I never had a relationship. But I have other concerns.

Yes, maybe I am more invested in this thread than others because you remind me a little of when I was very young. AKTodd and CharacterStudy also give fantastic advice, I hope you will consider them carefully. How do you claim that it's about views and not experience? Where do you think views and values come from? They're not in a vacuum, but are the products of our experience.

Remember, your point isn't that you don't want to be with people who have casual sex or people who want open relationships. That is totally understandable, as you have to be in a relationship with someone who is looking for the same thing. Instead, you're saying that you don't want anything to do with someone who's had that past, even if they are looking for something else now (something that both of you are looking for). You also feel this way due to many assumptions and prejudices about what makes one sexually superior and inferior, and what kind of people have casual sex. You defend this view by claiming that it is your opinion, which is true, but I think they are awfully misguided. Misguided especially in the sense that you want a special connection emotionally and physically with someone, but this view will probably get in the way of it. Meeting someone who feels similarly misguided like you does not necessarily mean the relationship is going to work, and this is why I said you have a lot of growing up to do. I'm sorry if it sounds condescending.

I am probably being a bit harsh, and ultimately meddlesome. You have to experiment and do what feels right for you, but I just wanted to point out that you should really be aware of where your values and views are coming from, and how justified are they really. I think your view on sex comes from your insecurity and instead of addressing them, it seems that you're trying to evade it by going on the offense. If you meet someone who shares the same view on you about sex, then maybe on the surface things will go well, but as long as your insecurities and judgmental attitude aren't addressed head on, it will cause problems in the relationship. You may still feel that what I have to say is rubbish, but good luck either way. I wish you all the best!

 

Again, if his decision is not causing him any pain or grievances right now, what is the problem? If it comes to that, he can always change his mind later... if he had posted something like "I have very high standards and I really want to be in a relationship" that would be something else, but he seems fine.

 

Point is you would accept if your husband slept around. You're both fine with that. If people want to sleep around with other people, that's their business. I just would not want to date someone who slept around. I told you it's off putting. Simple as that. Respect the fact that not everyone will accept what you find is acceptable.

May i address an opinion that i think is deviating this thread, your entire doubts/concerns around this phrase have 0 to do with gay sex or straight sex, is merely about sex, plain and simple, why? because at my early 20's i used to be just like you when i thought of sex, i wasn't so i could hook up with any woman example (prostitutes) from time to time when felt like to (not anywhere near regularly thought :lol and then one or two years somewhere close to your age i started having the same fears you're having i mean so much i went through it without needing a psychiatrist and i probably would have needed it back then, not saying you do, just in my case i was extremely ''obsessed'' and had taken things to a 24/7 scare time, i honestly think when someone right might come along wanting the same that you do no matter if is casual or formal, using all the needed protection ofc and everything in a respectful environment, you might automatically start changing those ways of thinking simply not paying them much attention in a slow paced process, at least that happened to me, and i never really think of it now but ofc doesn't mean you will change who you are or the basic needs of ''keeping mind-centered enough'' to keep protecting yourself physically and emotionally in a time of sex or fun, that stays attached for a good cause

 

obviously, every phase is different for everyone, experiences are different too and we don't think alike, i may have read wrong before but i thought you were worried about health in sexual relationships, and i posted casual sex as an example, it was clear in your post you were not into casual stuff, anyways best of luck buddy

 

definitely, but i think depends on the situation, let's say a sex worker usually does i don't know maybe 20 people per day at least? or somewhat close, if protection is used all the time it might can be perfectly clean, unless the girl/guy goes tempted by more money to do it without the rubber but most sane minded woman in that line of work won't do that, specially the ones that do it to maintain families, now i wonder if the girls/guys that cheat a lot to their respective partner would statistically use a lot or less condom in within their flairs, it sure depends on the person but since i am a total stranger to relationships i could not tell, maybe it increases the chances of it? a friend of mine got told by a doctor that ''protected intercourse with even unprotected oral was like almost a null chance, sharing the insight

 

ldxza, I was not going to post b/c my opinion is similar to yours and I don't think I have much to contribute but it's too tempting... I am just wondering why you made this post because based on your original post and the subsequent replies you seem quite comfortable with your opinion/viewpoint so why bother. Also this is something no one can give you a definitive or even generalized answer (you probably know that already) since most people only have somewhat anecdotal experience based on themselves or their friends.

 

I never had any success on dating sites and I was using them for a long time (not right now). I did not get the vibe that most people were that casual sexually though. But I was searching for girls and that might be very different from your experience (as much as I hate to admit it, girls and guys often have different opinions on sex probably due to societal/cultural/biological reasons).

Everyone I know of has certain standards that significantly reduce their dating pool. Being lgbt while trying to hold the same standards will probably further reduce it. Oh well...

 

It's almost depressing to hear that most of the "good advice" is effectively saying not wanting to sleep with promiscious people (with high chances of STD's, low chances of wanting to commit, and high(er) chances to cheat), means you have "high standards" and thus "you have a low chance of finding a partner". Is this what the LGBT dating culture is?

I'm pretty sure few straight couples have to worry about this. Not that I would completely dismiss a person based on promiscuity. Depends on many subjective factors. But still.

 

I hesitate to wade into this one again, but I'll give it a shot. I don't really think it's about having high standards. I think people should have high standards. For me it's more about the assumptions that are being made about people who have had fun in their past. If you are finding everything you are looking for that's great. Don't change a thing--continue on with the relationship(s) you're finding. But that isn't the impression you give in your post, at least not to me.

First off, let me say that you are absolutely right. There are plenty of gay men out there who think exactly the way you do. I don't really think it's a generational thing ether. In my experience there always have been. So, that's the good news. The thing I will say though is that I'm not sure you're right in assuming that they are necessarily the "relationship material." I'm assuming by that you mean people capable of forming lasting, loving, happy, monogamous relationships. As counterintuitive as it sounds if I had to bet on the chances of someone ending up in a truly happy long term relationship I would bet on the other camp. I don't come to that through any kind of philosophical path I just get there through observation. I know an awful lot of gay men. I've been very actively involved in the community for over twenty years. I know a lot of men who think exactly the way you do and I know a lot of men in really wonderful, loving faithful relationships. The thing is, with very few exceptions, they aren't the same people. Ironically most of the people I know in the first camp end up as sort of serial monogamists--maybe six or seven months at a time. And then there's the people with a more playful attitude towards the whole thing that you would never think would end up in the suburbs with a husband and a dog--then they meet the right guy and boom it's fifteen years later and it's hard to imagine they were ever not together. I mean it's not a scientific sampling but it really is a pronounced pattern from what I've seen.

And it is counterintuitive even from the other side of the fence. I suppose it may have something to do with openness to others, with a willingness to give people a chance. I think in the end it comes down to what I like to think of as "generosity of spirit," and I think it's a pretty high standard indeed. And in my experience it's a pretty reliable indicator of who is and isn't "relationship material." I've been with my husband for eighteen years. We're faithful and we're literally more in love with each passing day. And we've got pasts, both of us--wonderful, fun, interesting pasts. I'm glad for mine and for his.

Anyway, just my two cents. If what you've got going is working, by all means carry on. Nobody is entitled to date you. Have whatever checklist you would like. I certainly had/have one. But if you ever feel like it's not working (and it's kind of hard to read your posts and not get that impression), well than it's time to look around.

 

i think you have the concepts a bit mixed up, trusting someone with your body will be having sex without any sort of protection not the way around, for example you can start dating someone that you like and start knowing a bit of that person and sharing who you are, you're still vulnerable if that person is a player filling you a specific resume or hiding one for the sake of ''getting somewhere'' if you don't get this you'll be assumming everyone is loyal and trustworthy out there that with no offense is kind of childish thought, and another thing i wanted to ask that i might missed, how old are you? because you are perfectly fine having your specific opinion, but if you are somewhere from 30's to up, by logic let's say any older person you meet has chances of having had more sex, unless you're planning to find a 40 year old virgin in the future lol, society nowadays has changed to a fast-pace, kids from 15 are already having sex, being in something and having children, imagine the rest

 

I think people are interpreting your first post as some sort of complaint about not having a relationship or inability to find someone... otherwise I can't understand the replies.