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I feel like me and my boyfriend are going too fast n our new relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BobJones, May 17, 2016.

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  1. BobJones

    BobJones
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    This weekend, I stayed over at a guy friend's house and some 'things' happened and I began to feel very attracted to him, and him to I. I mean, just cuddling with him as ecstasy to me. He admitted that he was falling for me and we, in our little moment we had, agreed to be boyfriends. Now, I just got over someone I was in love with for almost a year. I got over him about a month or so ago, so it's been difficult for me to form new emotional bonds , so, what I feel for this guy is both physical and emotional, but as of now, it's more physical. I feel as if I need more time to develop an emotional bond with him, but he is fully in love with me. We tell each other 'I love you' and he goes into detail on how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Now I'm scared constantly, thinking about whether or not I am really into him, and I was diagnosed with OCD, so, I dwell on it. It makes me worry when we're together and I con't enjoy myself with him. What if I stop having feelings for him altogether? I can't break his heart and it hurts me to see him hurt... What is there to do?
     
    #1 BobJones, May 17, 2016
  2. A Mindful Wolf

    A Mindful Wolf Guest

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    Well...love hurts...even when it's good it can crush you :/ You just gotta play it out, or else wonder about it for your whole life.
     
    #2 A Mindful Wolf, May 18, 2016
  3. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    When I first met my boyfriend, he had just ended a 17-year partnership, the first thing he told me was that he wasn't yet ready for a relationship...This was 6 months ago, we're still together...

    Love has no schedule, it happens when it happens. If you can, try to set aside your fears about the future and take each day, one at a time. You will enjoy each of those days a lot more than if you have to spend them with the shadow of uncertainty.

    Take each day with him as a gift, and meet each day with him with gratitude.
     
    #3 greatwhale, May 18, 2016
  4. BobJones

    BobJones
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    I'm just worried because he loves me more than I love him. I mean, I'm attracted to him and I have feelings for him, but not on the same level he has for me, and it scares me and worries me. I don't want to break up with him or anything because again, I do really like him. I just haven't fallen for him like he has for me yet, and I feel pressured to do so.
     
    #4 BobJones, May 18, 2016
  5. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    I know exactly what you mean, there is often this imbalance in new relationships. Let time be your guide, but if this ambivalence persists despite your efforts to get to know him better (and that is really your task right now, to know him better so that you may find the good things in him that you could love), let him know. Honesty really is the best policy at this stage. All you need to say is that you need time to figure this out, and perhaps you can suggest that he should also examine his motives, i.e. is he in love with you, or with the idea of being in love?
     
    #5 greatwhale, May 19, 2016
    Last edited: May 19, 2016
  6. TheHesitantAlien

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    As someone who is also diagnosed with fairly prolific, I definitely relate to how you feel. Honestly, as much as it's an irritating cliché, one of the best things to do is talk to someone - him, or your therapist (if you have one). Having an impartial person to help you decide upon/realise a solid fact allows you something to work from, and a point that you can believe in, despite any anxiety. This is fairly similar to how I felt at one point in my last relationship, but it continued to develop enormously and my feelings simply grew over time - in fact, I began not finding him particularly physically attractive, but it transpired that through him I discovered my love for a little bit of chub. All I can say is be open, honest and try to focus on the raw facts to help you separate the anxiety and nagging worry from what you honestly know to be true. Good luck!
    - Leo
     
    #6 TheHesitantAlien, May 19, 2016
  7. BobJones

    BobJones
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    It's just, I can never enjoy myself with him because this damn voice is telling me otherwise... That I'm not attracted to him when I really am, and another part of me is angry because I'm not in love with him...But the thing is, I am attracted to him, but my anxieties take over and make it impossible to become more attracted to him... It's really upsetting to me... I wish I could silence this thought...
     
    #7 BobJones, May 20, 2016
    Last edited: May 20, 2016
  8. BobJones

    BobJones
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    I saw him this weekend and I had spoken to my therapist about my feelings from my OCD.
    I'm feeling almost nothing. Not only romantically but in general. I'm scared because he wants to get married to me one day. I feel it's gone way too fast. I don't know why I don't feel the same way I did a week ago when we got in a relationship... Maybe it was the huge bout of OCD I felt for the most of it. I was/ am afraid of not being attracted to him...
    After all of this, when he had to leave to go home, I cried. I wanted to stay with him... It's very confusing to me...
    I'm in a tough spot.
     
    #8 BobJones, May 22, 2016
  9. resu

    resu
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    It seems like all you can do is be honest with him that you feel like things are going too fast (it seems like a mere mention of marriage can make a lot of people nervous), but at the same time keep in contact with your therapist and friends/family so you have the support you need to not feel stressed out. Someone who loves you will be patient and wanting what's best for you.
     
    #9 resu, May 22, 2016
  10. BobJones

    BobJones
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    Does it sound like I should stay with him? I mean, I feel alone tonight without him... But I fill almost nothing when holding his and and cuddling with him... I don't know why
     
    #10 BobJones, May 22, 2016
  11. greatwhale

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    Try to avoid getting into relationships in order not to be alone. Relationships need to be gotten into with intention; this is critical.
     
    #11 greatwhale, May 23, 2016
  12. BobJones

    BobJones
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    The thing is, I was attracted to him at the time... I just have no idea what to do... It'll destroy him to break it off, and hell, my attraction may return... Should I propose just taking it more slowly?
    What I meant by feeling alone without him is that he is the one who made me feel "not alone" and that feeling wouldn't come from just anyone.
     
    #12 BobJones, May 23, 2016
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
  13. greatwhale

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    Aside from that feeling, was there passion? Was there a little madness in the desire to be with him? Not being alone whether he is capable of giving you that feeling, or not, is pretty sparse nourishment.

    Yes, I think you should tell him to take it slow, so that you both can cool down and take the time to think this through. Ask that he respect this request, for both your sakes.
     
    #13 greatwhale, May 24, 2016
  14. BobJones

    BobJones
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    There was an immense feeling of passion, I mean, it was pure ecstasy... It was physical and romantic, then my OCD kicked in and every thought I associated with him connected to a deep sense of worry. It spoiled a lot of it.
     
    #14 BobJones, May 24, 2016
  15. resu

    resu
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    Try working out whether the anxiety you feel is grounded in reality or more likely you making assumptions based on incomplete knowledge ("mind reading"). Many worries can be internal ("I'm not good enough", "If he knew X, Y, and Z, he would dump me", etc.). Also, it's okay to just say you want to be dating without more specific "definitions" of the relationship. Remember, it's only been a few weeks!

    ---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 07:26 PM ----------

    Also, I forgot that you had just come out of a long term relationship, so maybe you do need some more alone time, which he should be understanding about.
     
    #15 resu, May 25, 2016
  16. BobJones

    BobJones
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    Okay, I have just gotten over someone I loved so maybe it'll take a while for me to develop strong feelings for him, but I hope I do develop them though... Right now, they're slight feelings coupled with anxiety... If I end this relationship, his mental health will decline
     
    #16 BobJones, May 25, 2016
  17. resu

    resu
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    He should really not depend on this relationship for mental health because that makes you also feel unnecessary pressure. Does he have any counselors or friends/family to turn too!? While you might be of help, since you are the other partner, it can make him uncomfortable to share his feelings.
     
    #17 resu, May 28, 2016
  18. RavenTheRat

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    Actually, my boyfriend was a lot like this when we first got together. He was too taken with me, saying that I was the only person he cared about and things like that. It freaked me out so much I broke up with him. A bit later we decided to get back together, and I told him that I wanted our relationship to be more... casual. He said he understood, toned it down a bit, and now I'm way more relaxed with him, which is better for him haha. We're much happier together now. I think it's all a matter of communication.

    So maybe try explaining to your boyfriend how you feel about it? In a tactful way of course.
     
    #18 RavenTheRat, May 28, 2016
    Last edited: May 28, 2016
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