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OK, Here it goes.....your thoughts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by comingout2016, May 30, 2016.

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  1. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    I am literally trembling as I write this...I am gay. Or let's say I am pretty sure I am gay.
    I am 49 years old and never admitted it before.

    I think I am attracted to women - i look at them in the street get 'excited' when I see a woman with a nice body- but I don't get aroused.

    When I masturbate, I can't can 'get off' fantasizing about a woman but NOTHING like the rush of feelings and passion I feel when I fantasize about being with a guy.

    I have waited a very long time obviously - but I always told myself that the fantasies were just narcissism (imagining me pleasuring myself) or fetish-- i have a thing for tights (but not cross dressing - more like male ballet outfits) but then this year I "let" myself look at at some pictures of guys online - ballet dancers mostly - the waves of passion I felt were overwhelming - when I thought about declaring myself gay or making love (I want love, not just sex) a sense of peace comes over me. I finally realized I am much much more attracted to guys body parts- but still have trouble dealing with being attracted to a guy.

    But if i go through with ' the act' of masturbation- i immediately feel horrible afterwards, I rip out the confession in my diary, I tell myself it is at odds with how i want to live.

    Now since i haven't 'drained' myself i can write this but i know if I do I will feel guilty afterwards.


    How do I 'cross over'? will that post guilt feeling ever go away?
    Your opinions welcome
     
    #1 comingout2016, May 30, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2016
  2. Adray

    Adray
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    Welcome to EC! This is a good, safe place to write, read, share, and learn.

    I encourage you to learn more about yourself here.

    You aren't the only one who undergoes a mood shift right after orgasm. I do too, probably most guys. And what turns you on when masturbating might give clues to your true sexual orientation, but it's also okay to just get off on fantasy sometimes, too.

    I'm sure others will have helpful words, too. Welcome!
     
    #2 Adray, May 30, 2016
  3. SiennaFire

    SiennaFire
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    Hey comingout2016,

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    Congratulations on coming out to yourself as gay. This is an important and bold step in your journey. EC is an amazing community that will help you as you begin to explore and understand your sexuality. I was in a similar place to where you are today a year ago, and today I'm out and proud. I'm sharing this because I want you to know what's possible if you take the leap of faith and fight to accept yourself.

    Have you heard Disturbed "The Sound Of Silence"? Google it and check out the video. Watch and listen without anticipation. Let it enter your soul. Pretty amazing, yes?

    Same thing with your sexuality. Stop apologizing and just let it enter into your soul.

    I know it's not that simple ... today you just need to open yourself to the possibilities.

    Best

    (&&&)
     
    #3 SiennaFire, May 30, 2016
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
  4. faustian1

    faustian1
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    There are so many men who feel that switch go off, after the excitement is over. And then it lights up again, the next time.

    Your first challenge of course, seems to be admitting this to yourself, when you are not aroused or just afterward. This is going to happen, eventually.

    But how to make it easier? Do you have any gay friends or acquaintances? If not, you should get some. Oh, you hardly have to talk about yourself and your secrets. I think you need to see it's not a one-in-a-million thing.

    If you are compelled to have these thoughts, they are not going to go away. Your first goal should be to accept that you have these thoughts, even as you tell no one else. Self acceptance comes first. Your private thoughts are your own.

    Sexual arousal is caused by so very many things. There is probably not an object you could name, for which I would fail to find people who are aroused by it. The internet is a wonderful thing. When I was a teenager, I wondered if I was the only guy on earth who was aroused by denim or by smoking (tobacco). The internet came along, and lo and behold, there were thousands upon thousands with the same "sick" perversion LOL. Thanks to the internet, you already know that what turns you on is very common.

    You deserve to accept yourself. It's OK. Try for that first, and the next steps will come.
     
    #4 faustian1, May 30, 2016
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
  5. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Hi
    Thank you so much for your kind words. It's good to know that the leap of faith is possible. This forum is the first step for me. Right now I want to be gay, I want to be with a man. It's taken me a long time to accept that.

    More and more I tell myself recently, just accept it.

    ---------- Post added 30th May 2016 at 04:38 PM ----------
    Hi thanks for responding. Yes right now I want this to happen. I am hoping for it right now. Just typing these words, I feel a rush of liberation.

    My baby step today was posting here. My next baby step is to write it in my diary and NOT masturbate. Previously, I would write it, with something like 'once you masturbate after writing this, you will have confirmed you are gay" then I would proceed with the act, and tear the pages out :slight_smile:

    But this time I am going to write my confession, hold off on getting off :wink: and let it sit there in my diary.

    I don't have gay friends but my next step will be to come out to a couple I am close with.

    Thanks guys, I am starting to feel better already!

    ---------- Post added 30th May 2016 at 04:40 PM ----------
    Thanks Adray! I am sure I am going to go through mood swings and shifts, but right now I just feel so ALIVE writing these words here... I AM GAY :slight_smile:
     
    #5 comingout2016, May 30, 2016
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  6. SiennaFire

    SiennaFire
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    Hi again,

    You seem to have a great attitude. What's your current situation? Are you single, married, or in a relationship? It will help us understand you and how we can help.
     
    #6 SiennaFire, May 30, 2016
  7. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Hi thanks! Single, pretty healthy and young looking (people mistake me for being in my 30s)
    Not to sound vain, but I have heard people say I am quite good looking.

    I was in a brief relationship with a woman a couple of years ago and recently she said (we're still friends) that I am probably into guys. She didn't say that to be nasty but more of her personal observation.
     
    #7 comingout2016, May 30, 2016
  8. IamI

    IamI
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    I am pretty much the same way. I have figured out that I like to just be me dolled up a bit but not to full on crossdressing. I still wanna be me - but cuter. I have the same thoughts that I like mens parts better for sex (even though I have never had gay sex). I just know deep down that's what I crave. But I also like breasts. Long story short; I like trans. I love the body and face of a woman, but with the tools like a man. I also get that feeling right after i finish. But the longer I have admitted to myself I was gay, the shorter the time I feel that awful negative feeling.
     
    #8 IamI, May 30, 2016
  9. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    That's good to know. I already feel like I am holing the thought of liking be gay longer than before. Before it was tied to urges, now I am living it with it not just when I think about sex.
     
    #9 comingout2016, May 31, 2016
  10. SiennaFire

    SiennaFire
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    Good - coming out as gay is a lot easier if you are single. Did your ex say why she thought you were into guys? For example, are you effeminate or just not into sex with her?

    This is quite typical for guys who are just coming out to themselves as gay. Initially you feel the sexual attraction towards guys and their body parts but aren't yet comfortable enough with being gay to be able to be attracted to another guy romantically. As you become more comfortable as a gay man, you will be able to feel romantic attraction for another man.

    Here are two resources regarding the stages of coming out that might be helpful to give you context.
    You need to do some work to heal your shame of being gay and love yourself as a gay man. I created this blog entry, which you might find helpful as a starting point.


    There's also an excellent thread on this topic that you might want to read and participate in

    I hope this helps to get you started on your journey of discovery. Keep on exploring and posting.

    Best,
    SF

    #sfpost
     
    #10 SiennaFire, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  11. IamI

    IamI
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    Yeah, after I would finish, I would feel so much regret and remorse and question everything I just did and watched.. whatever. I use to go as far as throwing every toy, I had been hiding, away and even the clothes I bought myself. Well, after doing that a few times, I realized that I was not going to stop. Now I take a deep breath afterwards and calm down before doing anything rash.

    Once I am out on my own again, I am going to try to just sit and not do anything right after. Just let the feelings come and go. Hopefully this will let me be finally free of that bittersweet. I love the way I feel and look 99% of the time. Why would I let that 1% ruin everything for me?:eusa_doh:
     
    #11 IamI, May 31, 2016
  12. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Thank you so much for the links and this post SF, she observed that I just wasn't into sex with her and now I realize its true- I could orgasm, but it was work. Just today I was reading a primer on giving a good blow job (I know I am not ready for that but when the time comes :slight_smile: ) and its not an exaggeration to say that I felt like i was going to orgasm just reading it. I thought "yeah i could do that, and like and not even orgasm!. Right by it there was one on performing oral sex on a woman.. I was like 'eh' .

    I can admire a woman's beauty and femininity even get 'excited' about say a girl with a nice ass- but I can't imagine getting aroused, where with a guy, I want to just dive in!

    One thing I realized today there's no turning back. I am not going to deny things anymore. I have a strange sense of optimism that this time it's going to be different. This time I am going to see it through. I can't describe how alive I feel. I realize this is not just about sex, its about completing me.

    I just took another baby step and took this off my incognito browser. Now in the privacy of my own home, I am always going to enjoy being gay.

    I already notice other changes. I am excited to tell a couple I know. Not for shock value or anything, but because just telling myself lifted such a burden from me.

    I am still scared, but funny now I am scared that I won't follow through, rather than being scared that I will follow through.

    ---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 02:45 PM ----------
    Oh yeah, I've done that with the clothes more than a few times. That's why I am trying to hold off now and get my head in order first!
     
    #12 comingout2016, May 31, 2016
  13. Katchoo

    Katchoo
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    Hey! Welcome! I'm proud of you making progress on coming out to yourself!!! It's one of the hardest parts of coming out, for me, so far. Glad you're here.

    I was thinking this weekend about how the shame that Ihad about simply masturbating for a long time kept me from even being able to acknowledge what I was even masturbating about. I totally get that. Before I could deal with the shame of being (mostly) homosexual, I had to first get through the shame of just being sexual. I don't really know what the guy pop culture equivalent is of what helped me. I listened to a lot of sex-positive, feminist podcasts that helped me embrace that sexuality is good and that masturbation is a way to get to know your body and your mind, explore what you might like, have some power in independence because you aren't dependent on someone else to feel good / orgasm. Like, there was a podcast.... I forget if it was from Bitch Media or Bustle.... Where the hostesses were having a conversation about how they really wanted to promise themselves that they would masturbate more. I was so confused, and then intrigued, and then liberated. I'm so grateful that I've managed ditch so much shame about that. Still occasionally a thing, but it has less power over me, too. Anyway, I don't know if that will resonate across the gender divide or not, but, I really relate to your experience. Thanks for posting.
     
    #13 Katchoo, May 31, 2016
  14. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Hi Katchoo, thanks for observations. It's good to know it can have less power over time. I am holding off masturbating now because right now I feel so happy and am taking positive steps like posting here. Yesterday for the first time in my life I broke the cycle of masturbate-feel guilty-forget/suppress. Honestly I wasn't prepared how liberating and how JOYFUL it would feel here to just admit I was gay. I had doubts before yesterday- but now I don't doubt at all and I accept that I am attracted to men.

    I feel that having sex with right guy will be beautiful, I want it so bad right now and I don't want to just fantasize anymore!

    Right now I am really happy with the idea of being gay. I am sure other people have felt the same thing but I feel so complete and free. I don't want to jerk off and feel like crap, until I can at least take another step like telling a friend or make some contact in the real world.

    Before I would be overwhelmed by a gay urge, masturbate then feel guilty and go into denial. Now I feel I want to defeat that guilt and denial. I want to be happy about fantasizing about a guy.
     
    #14 comingout2016, May 31, 2016
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  15. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Hi SF,
    I wanted to post on your wall but I am not allowed yet :frowning2: but thank you so much for this- and your blog: the parts about action vs reflection really struck home, as did the simple act of looking in the mirror and saying "I am gay" there is great power in it. I am going to go through with it this time!

    I want this to be more about sex- like you say- I want it to enter my soul.
     
    #15 comingout2016, May 31, 2016
  16. whizbang

    whizbang
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    I used to have this same problem. It's nothing to worry about, however i commend you for reaching out to this forum!!!

    So i cant really give you any advice, but i can tell you what i've learned:

    Feeling guilty after a sexual release with same sex porn is completely normal. The thing I've noticed is that after i accepted myself, those sort of feelings go completely away.

    It all boils down (in my opinion) to self acceptance. Once that barrier is crossed, things start sorting themselves out.
     
    #16 whizbang, May 31, 2016
  17. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Thanks! You don't know how much that encourages me! I almost started to cry with happiness when I read that! I SO want to get to that stage! There's no turning back now!
     
    #17 comingout2016, May 31, 2016
  18. Devil Dave

    Devil Dave
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    Have you ever experienced homophobia? Or have you been around people who make fun of homosexuals and use gay jokes to insult one another?

    The feelings of guilt and shame after masturbating could be a feeling that you are giving into other people's doubts about you. That's kind of what it was like for me, before I came out. I would get off to pictures of men, and feel guilty afterwards, because people that I was growing up with would call me gay because of the way I spoke and behaved, and it was like I was giving into the insults and jokes that were aimed at me.

    But after a while I just stopped caring what other people thought of me. They were making me feel miserable and bad about myself, but the images of men were giving me pleasure. The thought of being intimate with a man became more and more appealing to me.

    So I ignored the people making gay jokes about me or questioning my sexuality, because it was none of their business what I found to be sexually arousing.

    My sexuality is an aspect of my own life that I've got to deal with. I don't intrude on anyone else's sex life, so they don't have the right to intrude on mine, and if they think they can comment and question my sexuality without my invitation, they are not worthy of my time and energy.

    Once i stopped disregarding other people's doubts about me, that's when I was able to start enjoy being a gay man, and to no longer feel guilt and shame about my desires.
     
    #18 Devil Dave, Jun 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
  19. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    Thanks. I broke down and masterbated last night wto a picture of a guy, it felt so good, I felt much less guilty than before, and kept saying let it into my soul, it's who I am... but afterwards almost immediately I felt terrible. But then I woke up this morning and went to the mirror and said I am gay. It's who I am. I feel better but still doubtful now. But definitely the guilt doesn't last as long as only a few weeks before
     
    #19 comingout2016, Jun 1, 2016
  20. comingout2016

    comingout2016 Guest

    I can really use everyone's advice right now. I masturbated again just saying "please please just let it in" it felt so right. I really wanted to 'consummate ' this with myself.

    But after that I felt even worse than the first time. I seriously want to delete my account here and move on.

    All day today I was shaking and felt horrible - this is not who I want to be. but half the day I also was fighting an erection and thinking about having sex with someone, no not someone, with a man.

    And one point I literally just had to sit down, I never had anything like this happen before I was walking an almost felt faint. I sat down on a bench and just said to myself I am gay and I was shocked by it.

    I was thinking this is not who I want to be but I was also thinking how much closer I will be to a straight couple and some other close friends I know if I come out.

    I also thought maybe this is just a sexual compulsion. Maybe this is just wrong. Maybe I am just being led around by my emotions.

    I am so shaken right now usually by the end of the week I want a couple of drinks but I have no desire to. I am so emotionally shaken much more than I expected. I was thinking about drinking problems I have had while I had them I knew it was a problem even when I would do it. I didn't sit there saying 'please let it into my soul' like I do when I think about accepting being gay.

    But is it just a thrill? maybe its just a submission to letting myself go no matter what it is? I still like to look at women, I just don't get aroused, maybe because I have been alone so long?

    I don't know what to do anymore but this be my last post.
     
    #20 comingout2016, Jun 2, 2016
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