What to do?

Kidnap Benedict Cumberbatch!

Oh.. well, maybe not.

Hi, Teach, nice to meet you. Let me tell you a brief story.

When I came out to my wife as gender fluid and (as I saw myself at the time) bisexual, she was VERY taken aback by it all. It was hard for us to deal with. I made a critical mistake in pressing her for acceptance right away. I needed to know she wasn't going to leave me. In so doing, I almost pushed her away.

I managed to calm myself down and let her work through it at her own pace. It took many months (and counseling for both of us) for us to get where we are now, which is a very good place for us both. We love each other. She calls me her best husband and girlfriend ever. We go out together occasionally as girlfriends. And she started as the classic "don't ask, don't tell" attitude.

Give her time. Let her process, and she'll talk to you when she's ready to do so. That may not guarantee a happy ending (whatever that happy ending may look like to you), but it will at least ensure that her responses are thought out and honest. And she may surprise you.

Hope that helps,

Morgana

PS. Perhaps foolishly, I started off with humor here. Teach, I did not mean to make light of your situation, but perhaps make you smile a little bit and then tell you a bit about my situation in the hopes you would draw encouragement from it. If I erred, please forgive my brashness.

 

Thank you all so very much for your support . I am out helping my mother with some yard work and shopping today . Will post more later .

Morgana , I appreciate your humor No need to apologize. I think it's great !

 

Hi Teach1

It sounds like the process is in motion even if you didn't get to fully state your sexuality. She may just need the information in bits and pieces to process it. Hang in there and remember that you are what you are and do not start blaming yourself.

Before I came out to my wife, I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. It can be very draining and sometimes it just feels like you want to crawl back into the hole. But, you can't...you got to move forward.

 

As my wife has been on vacation this week, I have called her a few times and sent a text just to check on her and the kids. Each call has been unanswered. This morning she texted back-"please do not feel the need to call us while we are here. We are having fun. Enjoy the time away from us."

Not exactly sure how to take this. Every time we have been away from each other, we have talked daily. Kind of sad about this change in our interaction.

Also, I called our local LGBT support center (closest one) and asked for a couples therapist for someone is our situation. They gave me a name of a woman to call. I have set up a session for next week. Also, the person I talked to at the center was very friendly and explained that I had all the support in the world there if I needed it. Very comforting.

 

Hey Teach1,

I know that feeling of wanting to check the emotional temperature of someone, especially after having a life altering conversation like you had with your wife. My heart races when I don't hear from my wife at times after an argument. Sometimes it's just about needing space.

Your wife's message seems thoughtful and non-threatening. "Enjoy the time away from us" to me seems to indicate she wants to give you your space to work things out, just like she's needing the time to process.

You're doing the responsible thing and have set up an appointment with a couples therapist. That's proactive and will be one of the best tools the two of you can have to figure out the future.

My suggestion is to allow each of you to enjoy your "break" from each other for a few days. You can spend the time to collect your thoughts and figure out what you'd like to share with your wife in front of the therapist.

Take care of yourself. You're probably on one of the craziest journeys of your life right now. Hang on tight, but you'll get to your final destination as a better and more authentic person. I think there's enough people on EC who can validate that.

 

Hey Teach1

I will echo what HWG wrote. My wife suggested the other day we can lay off the total disclosure/every thought honesty thing for just a bit. She needed a break!

One thing I did wrong in all of my coming out process was that I did not sleep enough. I got really worn down and that affected me in a lot of ways. I was well into my "crisis" before remembering I needed to distract myself with some hard physical activity each evening. For me, I rode my bike hard to clear my head.

 

Thanks HereWeGo and Nickw.

Both of you give good insight and advice. I have slept much less than normal. I will try more exercise.

 

Last time I posted my wife was on vacation and I had scheduled a session with a therapist for us. My wife extended her vacation by going to her parents' for an additional 10 days. The extended time forced me to cancel the counseling session. I haven't rescheduled. Once my wife arrived home, things were pretty much the same as before with the exception that she asked me if I would consider myself gay/bi or what? I had to explain that I fantasize about being with other men and that the need has become stronger. She asked if I think about other women at all and I told her no. This led her to say, "sounds like you're gay." To that I said, " I am." So now she is convinced that I am involved with a man. I can't convince her other wise. Now, she is carrying on like she did before, except our conversations are direct and to the point. No friendliness. When I asked her when she wanted to reschedule our therapy session, her response is that it is up to me, because "what is there to really talk
About?"

So I had been so excited. I thought that I will get to be gay! Date and have a boyfriend. Now, back to a lot of confusion.

Through this I also spoke with my mother about what I have been going through. She said that it had been worrying her since I got married that this would happen. She said that she and my sisters were always surprised when I got married. Mother was very much to do what makes me happy, but also be a good dad.

 

Hi Teach1

I would go ahead and schedule the therapy anyway and insist that she go "for you".

Do you see yourself in an open marriage with your wife anyway? This only can work with full acceptance, respect and communication. It seems your wife is not headed that way. She may need more time, I suppose. But, the accusations of infidelity do not look good.

 

I was thinking that an open marriage would be , at least, a possibility. However, my greatest fantasies have me partnered with a man. I know my wife is having a difficult time processing this, but I was kind of thinking that the therapist would help give her some insight into some of the options for our marriage. However, I am beginning to feel separation/divorce is inevitable, and may be what I truly desire anyway.

 

Maybe so. This is uncharted territory for me too. My wife and I are not really looking at an "open marriage" just what sort of gay stuff can be part of our marriage. But, the most important thing, for us, is that we both get something out the the deal.

There may be nothing that your wife sees as a good thing for her and she may have needs of her own that cannot be satisfied in an open marriage.

I wonder if you need to start talking to a lawyer to be sure you retain the sort of access to your kids that is important? This sucks...I feel for you man! Just keep in mind that you are not destroying your family. Kids are best when their parents are at their best!

 

It seems to me that separation/divorce is inevitable for you, and it's what you want and need to live an authentic life. I was in a similar place a year ago, and today I'm the happiest and most content I've been in my life because I fought for and won what I truly wanted and valued. I'm sharing this with you because things will get better once you work through the process, although you will experience short-term pain getting there as you and your wife grieve and work through the loss of your marriage.

I'd suggest viewing your asking for a divorce as a second coming out. It seems that you are doing the right things so far. This blog might be a helpful checklist as you prepare - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13373-preparing-come-out-your-spouse-gay.html.

Best,
SF
#sfpost