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Husband won't let me leave him

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by monkeytris, Jun 30, 2016.

  1. monkeytris

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    I have a problem, almost a year ago I came out as a lesbian to my husband, he took it quite well, except for one part, he just wants to "make it work" all the time.

    I have tried to divorce him for 6 months now, telling him I don't have romantic feelings for him, he's just my best friend. And he wants to continue being in this friend-state, but does not respect that either, because he's always too clingy, trying to touch me etc.

    I have told him so many times how sad I am, and the next day he just says "I'm glad we're staying together and working everything out".

    It's not working, at all. He's not leaving. I'm starting to think about getting an apartment behind his back and just be out of his way, but here's the really complicated part: we have two kids.

    Anyone else who've been in a position like me, with a partner who acts "understanding" but the puts a ball chain on you?
     
  2. Lin1

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    I am not in your situation but I would seat him down and re-explain to him that you are a lesbian and that no matter how much he wants this to work it can't. That you think the best for him (and you) right now is to get some space so he can process it and that therefore it would be good if you could think of a plan/date to move forward (aka go your separate ways).
    Tell him you understand that it's hard for him, that you do care about him but just not the way he wants you to and that it's NOT going to change. Tell him your goal is not to hurt him but he deserves to be happy and in order to do so he needs to move on from this relationship. Tell him you want the best for everyone and that you hope you'll remain friendly throughout the whole process and after as you want the best for your kids.

    It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done.

    Maybe casually asking something along the lines of ''So, how do you think we should tell the kids that we are getting divorced? I was thinking about explaining them in an age-appropriate way that mummy and daddy are still friends and still care about each other but are going to be living in separate houses from now on because blah blah blah, should we do it tonight ?"
    it will most like come as a shock to him but it will show him that you've made up your mind and that there is no going back. There is no easy way to end this relationship but your husband chose to be in denial and the best thing you can do for him is to force him out of it.

    Good luck though as it's a shit situation !(*hug*)
     
  3. Gravity

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    I'll respectfully disagree with Linning for the moment - not because I think what she mentions is a bad idea, but mostly because it sounds like you've already tried talking with your husband, and you're just not getting through to him. Granted I don't know him, and it's possible a clear, honest/up front conversation might be what is needed to get the ball rolling here.

    It's quite possible that your husband has a variety of reasons for not allowing the process to move forward - denial could be a part of it, he might misunderstand just how serious of an issue it is for you, or he might just be grieving for the impending loss and not quite ready to face it full-on. This is all understandable, but you need to watch out for you, as well.

    I don't know what local resources are like where you live, but are there perhaps outside organizations you could go to for assistance? Maybe not lawyers and legal help yet (in the divorce process), but other community groups that provide assistance to LGBT people and their families? As you point out, the children add another dimension to this, and making sure they'll be in a stable situation is going to be another top priority. Bringing others into the situation may help get that started as well.
     
  4. Chip

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    I'll echo Gravity.

    You have a husband who is in denial, and who will likely stay in denial until you force his hand. It might be a bit archaic, but there is a divorce concept in some states called "constructive desertion" in which, basically, you leave the marriage without the consent of the other partner because there's really no other way to do it. This might be one of those situations.

    I'm leaning in the direction of saying that you should get an apartment behind his back, and at the same time (well, before getting the apartment, actually) talk to an attorney and cover yourself. Under the circumstances, it should not be an issue legally. And unfortunately, I don't think your husband is going to get past the denial until something basically forces him past that. And that's likely going to be you moving on with your life.

    I'm sorry this is so difficult. The important thing to remember is that he does not have the control or power over whether or not you stay in the marriage. You have to believe in yourself, that you deserve to have control over your life, and that you alone choose how to live your life. I think as you come to believe in yourself, this will get easier for you.
     
  5. Lin1

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    While I agree with both of you, I am also concerned about what will happen for the kids if she just get an appartment behind her husband's back and take them with her ? Some people can become REALLY nasty when things go sour and have no remorse using kids as a payback to their former spouse everytime they can.

    I think the ones that need the most protection right now are the kids. They are going to have to process the fact that their parents are divorcing and that their mother actually like women (obviously nothing wrong with that but can easily come off as a shock to some). None of that are necessarily easy things to process for children and most likely will impact them one a way or another so if a nasty custody battle can be avoided or made easier, I think it should be.

    I am talking as a person whose parents got separated when she was very young (to the point where I don't remember them actually separating or even being together) and have had to live through years and years of custody battle and of being used as payback by both her parents.

    I second though the idea of getting exterior help, be it from a lawyer, an association, a marital counselor as maybe hearing it from someone else will help. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 Lin1, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  6. HappyGirlLucky

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    I was thinking about this too. I don't disagree with Gravity or Chip, he is definitely in denial and something more radical has to be done for him to get it. Still, I can understand monkeytris' reluctance to just get an apartment behind his back, because that could potentially make for a very nasty divorce that could hurt her children. I am certain she would have done it already if there weren't kids involved.

    So I third the idea of getting exterior help. If it still does not get through to him after that, she has no choice. There is an RFSL chapter in Örebro and there are support counselors you can call, e-mail and get appointments with. I would turn to them first before getting a lawyer or anything like that. They can probably advise you on what steps to take in your situation.

    Another idea I had is to tell him you have begun looking for an apartment so that you can move out and live on your own. Then you can begin searching for an apartment without doing it behind his back. This might make it more real for him, since it is no longer just an idea but it is actively happening, especially if you start preparing to move by packing away some of the stuff you use less often.

    Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  7. Shorthaul

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    I agree that at this point you should start looking at outside help. You never mentioned how old the kids are, so it might be best to ask for help with that as well. Unfortunately there likely isn't a way to do this without hurting some peoples feelings. But you deserve to be happy and live your life your way. A marriage counselor or therapist could offer you better advice on how to talk to your kids about this.

    HappyGirlLucky makes a valid point about telling him you are looking for a place of your own along with the packing less used stuff. It puts it out on the table and makes your intentions clear.

    I am sorry you are having to go through with this, just hang in there, it will get better.