This feels super embarrassing to post and I feel bad for writing it too but but I don't really know where to turn. It's a bit of a story, so I appreciate your patience! When I graduated from uni and started coming out as bi last summer, I had a libido that I'd never experienced before. I was noticing women more and more, and my fantasies were becoming about real people rather than women I made up in my head. It was a shock to the system because while I'd fantasised about women before, my desire to have sex practically vanished in the three years I was studying because I'd told myself to grow up and focus on getting myself a boyfriend. I even recall drunkenly telling a friend one night that I thought I was asexual :icon_redf Anyway, after graduation I started to consider that maybe bisexual wasn't right for me since no matter how hard I tried, when I tried to get off to the thought of doing it with a guy, either nothing happened or relatively little happened. And then the depression, anxiety and anorexia problems I was dealing with at uni reappeared and my libido started to wane. In autumn I sought out a therapist and by the end of the year, I'd come out as lesbian to her and a few friends, with some stubborn doubts holding me back from completely coming out to everyone. After months of dithering in and out of the closet, two weeks ago I set myself a personal growth goal list and end date for therapy. I had what I thought was a breakthrough last week. On Friday, my friends took me to some gay bars and then last Saturday I went to Pride. On Sunday I'd had a bit of a kick in the desire department and started to acknowledge the fact that while men are attractive I had no desire to sleep with them. It was, confusing, scary and yet empowering. A part of me told myself that I was merely being frigid, afraid of sex hurting and that if I couldn't like it with men, I'd never like being with a woman, and another part of me felt like I was finally starting to see clearly. So I explained all of my thoughts and experiences over that weekend to my therapist and she said that I wouldn't know for sure until I actually slept with a guy, and that I should sleep with someone just to see what it was like, despite me telling her that I was finally starting to accept my lack of desire towards men, and regardless, I didn't want sex to be an experiment. It was confusing, slightly patronising, sounded like she was encouraging me to question myself and heightened my insecurities about being frigid. Since then, my already weak libido has nosedived in the strangest way. I still feel barely anything when I think about sex with men and when I think about it with women, I get wet, but also feel tight and tense, like my body is literally fighting it. My head goes blank, I can't fantasise, and when I touch myself I may as well be trying to tickle my own arm - I feel nothing. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I decided to follow my therapist's advice and consider men for a little while longer, but it's left me feeling a bit hollow. Where do I go from here?
To a new therapist. Your therapist is likely straight and probably did not have to sleep with any women to confirm that. Not sure why she thinks you have to sleep with men to confirm you don't like it if you feel you don't. If you can, try to find a therapist who knows more about LGBT-related stuff. I would also not follow her advice if it feels wrong. My mind goes blank like yours if I am in a bad state when I try to fantasize. The only way for me is to wait until I am in a better state of mind, then my libido returns and everything is back to normal. Unfortunately I don't really have any idea of how to help you with your libido. Perhaps try to fantasize without touching yourself (and not even in bed or wherever you usually do it)? I know doing that can drive me to the point where my fantasies feel really strong and I get really turned on, to the point where I almost have to do something about it. I usually still have to be in a good state of mind for this too though. Also reading erotic literature can really help build new fantasies (you can find plenty online for free) and perhaps that will help you? I find that reading can take me out of whatever is on my mind and that can get me into it even when I am not in the mood. Sorry, but that is all I could come up with. :icon_sad: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you though, it just sounds like you are going through a tough time questioning.
Did your therapist say you should sleep with a guy to conform whether you like it or not, or did she suggest it as an option for how you might proceed? There's a bit of difference there. If it's the former it was really unprofessional, but if it was the latter that would be a more reasonable question to ask, though at least in retrospect it obviously wasn't the best question to ask. It's kind of a weird question, because even some lesbians can enjoy sex with men, if not out of sexual attraction in the standard sense, then just out of pure sensory pleasure. So in that sense there's a possibility that you could just become more confused.
I don't really want to start over. I've been seeing this lady for several months now and aside from a few times when I feel like I'm not being understood, or she's confused me or I feel like I'm annoying her, we've had a pretty good relationship. I understand that it can be frustrating to deal with me at times - we even addressed this issue last month and it felt good to clear the air. Also, I see your point. I've been quite stressed out lately, not just with things going on in my mind but also with work. I feel like sometimes I'm trying too hard and thinking too much so nothing really happens. Thank you for the suggestions! I will try out the literature. It was a suggestion, one that has been made frequently and I have always said no to because I think something like that should be meaningful, even if I didn't think that, I think it would confuse me even more. The sex thing is something we can't seem to agree on. I've never been kissed so I have little to work with except for my fantasies, memories and interactions with men and women. When I first started my sessions, she thought I was scared of sex and I was tempted to go out with a guy I worked with to prove I wasn't. Since then she's been encouraging me to embrace sexual fluidity and ignore labels and gender even though I've told her that the label is important to me (I'd gone through a huge identity crisis whilst doing my degree). I usually brush these things off but this week was different because I genuinely thought I'd made myself clear. I feel bad for posting this because I feel like I'm trashing her when she's done so much to help me. I feel quite guilty, childish and stubborn :icon_redf
Hi PerdHaply! Before I comment, I must say I am not a therapist, I am not a proffesional and am pretty young as you can tell. This thread sparked my interest because it is a bit similar to my experience. When I first realized I could be with girls, my libido skyrocketed from zero till idk, really high. I was feeling really good and upbeat at that time. It was untill I started to question those feelings: What does this make me? Am I gay? Do I even have feelings for boys? I became scared, afraid. I did not understand it. I thought I was heterosexual but I never noticed ''hot'' guys or sth. Anyways with the questions and anxiety came depression which totally destroyed the libido I once had. I still am in a place where my libido is complete nothing because of the stress of finding a label. the stress of discovering who I am. It is an identity crisis. You've already said it. (or at least went through an identity crisis haha sorry if I misinterpreted) I want to say that there is nothing wrong with you. Do not feel ashamed for coming to this forum, do not feel ashamed. Talking is good, it means you want to do something with your life. It is good to talk to multiple people. Theraphists are also people after all. It is good to let it all out instead of keeping it inside, blocking it and completely ignore it. Now your theraphist said to consider men longer, or at least that is how I read your thing, but you said that it leaves you hollow. Don't do it then. If there is no exitement in experimenting don't do it, because it leaves you with nothing. Forcing things is also not a good option. Never force things, let it go, all of it. Because that is what I did and it feels good. Now I am not saying you should completely shove labels aside, or accept sexual fluidity or anything. What I am trying to say is that you go back to the moment you are in now. Don't try to force your libido to come back, but let it come back when it's ready to, when you are feeling ok. I think you are feeling (sorry pretty blunt) like shitt atm and have tendency to fall into depression etc (you've said this). I get your point about not wanting to start over with a new therapist (I toatlly get it, I even refused to go to one and decided to try and solve my own problems because well, I've had counseling before, several psychologists.. and starting over is so heavy) and I don't know how you are really feeling at the moment, so I don't know what to advice you on that. I am so sorry for telling you all this I feel like some school teacher giving you shit advice kinda like person, but I really want to, yknow, respond. Ok so, never force things and just accept the unknown for now. Just let it slide over you, Just let time tell itself. I know it's cliche and something that is really leading you to nowhere and it is really frustrating I know, but just, I can't give you more. What I did when I felt like shit and my libido was gone, is that I just completely shoved my questioning aside and focused on other things. Like on music, food, watching some stuff. Going purely back to the moment. Being content because it rains. That's just it. I am still doing it, my libido is not back where it was, but I am feeling more at ease. Not frustrated all the time, anxiety less and less. It is so hard, but really, going round in circles in your head is not going to lead you anywhere. Idk this was messy I am sorry if it was shit advice and i Need to go to sleep. there's probs some spelling errors in this but yea I. well. I hope this helped a bit haha. (probs going to come back tmorrow and see what i wrote and realize i wrote a bunch of crap hahaha ) Have a nice day tho ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2016 at 11:21 PM ---------- wow this was long, sorry lol
Thanks for your message Loppox! I agree about talking being helpful. I was nervous about using this website when I first joined but now I just want to interact with people who I could possibly relate to And same with the identity crisis element. Between the ages of 17 and 21 I changed myself so much that I couldn't recognise myself. And as much as I didn't like who I'd become or enjoy behaving the way I did, I didn't (and often still don't) want to be the old me... It's a self destructive cycle and probably why my drive started to go. I think it's the thought of considering men for longer that is leaving me hollow. I did do that whole letting go thing in June and it started to feel really good, just like you said. No questioning or ruminating over thoughts and feelings. No going round in circles, just listening to myself, trusting my instincts. It took about two or so weeks of just letting my thoughts flow and it led me to what I ended up telling my therapist. Lol. You're not being blunt! What you said was honest and fair. And I don't know how I am feeling tbh. Maybe a little lost and frustrated. You didn't give bad advice at all. Thank you
I think the whole, just do it, thing is a bit unprofessional. Sex should be something you want, not just something to do just cause you are unsure. If it really worked that way, you could just have sex with a woman and skip the trial with a guy. Next time you see your therapist, you might bring up how uncomfortable and confusing her suggestion to just do it was to you. Perhaps she didn't phrase it right or realize she had said it the way she had. You never mentioned, but since graduating do you have a job? I ask simply because there might be some other thing or things causing a little stress or anxiety. I don't even mean bad stress or anxiety exclusively, you could just be a little stressed and excited about a new job.
Mm. I think that would be the best. I think she meant well but she has confused me a lot. Either that or I've allowed what she said to confuse me... Yeah, I do have a job. I decided to take a gap year to figure myself out and save some money before starting my postgraduate studies but the commute can be long and both jobs I've worked in have been somewhat stressful due to the deadlines involved.
