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For those of you with children...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    Although I feel that my relationship with my partner lacks connection, depth and attraction, I still enjoy our family moments, and feel a comfortable warmness when we're all out together as a family. I like watching my partner play with our daughter too. At times it feels false and strained, but we do have enjoyable days out together.

    Can anyone relate to this?

    It makes me doubt whether I should be considering leaving at all, and whether I should try to make it work.
     
  2. Mifora

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    I have a few friends whose parents have stayed together just "for the kids", and they all wish that their parents had split up and been happy instead. The more love and happiness you have in your own life, the more you can give to you children. I know the decision is not easy

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2016 at 02:11 AM ----------

    Ps, sorry for the typos, I am writing this on my phone and I'm in a hurry
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks, Mifora. No it's not easy.

    At the moment, I'm thinking how important is sexual attraction really? But if I don't really enjoy it, how long can continue doing it for? And we've not got the greatest connection anyway, we want different things, have different priorities, don't really talk, etc.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    The kids know when the other stuff is missing. My children get the best of both worlds with us being divorced. Since my ex and I are friendly, we've been able to do things as a family even though we live our separate lives. We will do things like him, his wife, the kids, and I spending an hour playing Pokémon Go together in the park, or all go to the pool. We usually do these around time to switch parents, and just overlap time a bit. The kids no longer have to live with the strain of a loveless marriage.
     
  5. Teach1

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    Of course it makes sense. I love my family, but am in a completely unfulfilling marriage. I am in a marriage where the only connection that I have with my wife is that she is the mother of my children. I love her for that, but I am not in love with her. I enjoy my children and being together as a family, but family dynamics are always changing- kids grow up, they move away , etc. my children are in their teens . Once they are gone , I can't fathom living unhappily in a straight marriage.
     
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  6. TravelerMe

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    Like Teach1 says that make sense. I think it's totally normal to think about toughing it out and staying for the sake of the family. My wife and I have been a great team and are raising great kids. I enjoy our family moments too. We have good times together but I also know I'm not always fully present for them. My mind wanders too much and now that I've accepted I'm gay there's just no going back. I have to be honest with her and myself if I'm to live as my real self.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks all for your replies.

    Yes, I often feel that I'm not fully present when with my partner.
     
  8. 2dragons

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    I have a child and am no longer with her father. We tried a couple of times to make it work. I did it for the same reason; it's nice to have family moments. However, staying together just for the kid(s) isn't necessarily the best idea. If the parents are miserable, it will be perceptible to the child(ren). It's an honorable deed, but could do more harm than good in the long run. Always keep in mind that you know your situation and feelings better than we do. How does your partner feel? Could this be an amicable breakup? I have stayed friends with my ex. We can still joke around and he is invited to her bday parties and such.
     
  9. dirtyshirt84

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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks for your replies. Glad others can relate.

    Hard decision. In may ways the easiest option is to stay.
     
  11. looking for me

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    my ex and I stayed together way too long. our split had nothing to do with my sexuality or gender but my son did thank me for getting him out of that situation, and now he's a pretty well adjusted (with time, distance, and a little counseling) young man. my opinion is that staying together for the kids is too often not for the betterment of the kids.

    just my humble opinion/experience.
     
  12. latenlife lez

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    My response will differ in some ways

    First my husband and I are not divorced- but consider our marriage over. We live in the same house on different floors and we have meals together and do things with our kids together.

    I have my partner living with us- and my husband is ok with that. She lives upstairs with me and the kids. She is a third parent and great help. She sometimes struggles with the face that I am not divorced (and we are working on it) but also understands the why.

    The moment I moved out of my marriage bed and into another room- the constant fights and bitterness got much better, my kids seemed to calm down and I felt better. It is my hope that someday in the future my husband and I will apart, he will find a spouse who can love him as he needs it and my partner and I can continue our lives.

    It sounds rosy- don't get me wrong we have bad days- and moments and it takes it lot of work. I could not do this without my partner being with me. The promise is we will do it as long as it works-and when it doesn't then we will split households and lives.

    You have to do what is right for you and your family. Even if it is not the conventional thing
     
  13. bright skies

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    I fight with this regularly! 8 months after I told him I was confused about my sexuality and I'd had feelings for a lesbian friend, I could no longer cope with his constant comments, obsessive behaviour and arguing. We have now separated and he is fighting hard for us not to separate. I have days I want to be with the woman I fell in love with and days where I think I want to be in my family unit giving my kids normal whatever that is. On the days we don't argue and we are altogether it feels nice, but I'm reminded this is percentage of my life as I then have to make my partner feel good and happy in the bedroom department and I don't feel that for him anymore.

    My eldest teenager overhead him saying stuff about my sexuality and is now convinced I am gay and has told me if I come out she will leave and live with their dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing between my own happiness and everyone else's and a lot of the time it's everyone else's thag wins.
     
  14. RosePetals76

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    I'm sorry your daughter is acting like that. Teens are notoriously self centered. It's actually a developmental stage. Hopefully she will come around.
     
  15. Jackie13

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    As someone who grew up with parents not only in a loveless marriage but also a toxic one, sometimes divorce can be better. My parents stayed together because my Dad believed divorce was wrong, but I wished many, many times they would separate. Because of the constant stress, I lost both parents to the toxicity and unhappiness and no one was really on the side of me and my siblings.

    Every situation is different, but staying together is NOT always the answer. I hope you find your way to make the best choices for all of you. (*hug*)
     
  16. Thessa Blossom

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    From my current point of view it's the best that my wife and I are separating. I realized how asymmetric our relationship became in the last years and how this affected our daughters well-being. The separation process is very hard for all involved, especially for my wife due to the fact that my daughter wants to stay with me. But I'm pretty sure that when the dust settles everyone will be much happier in their life. The only thing I'm struggling with is how things are happening.

    Before that I wanted to get through with our marriage and had hoped for "I will get better" guess what, I got worse every year and every attempt to fix things evaporated. You always need two to fix a relationship.

    So my conclusion: If there is nothing left in your relationship to rescue, separate even when children are affected. It is the best for everyone.
     
  17. Radioactive Bi

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    As a father myself, I know how difficult it can be when you have to factor children into things. My divorce is coming through soon. It took a very long time for us to decide to actually separate and the main factor in it was worrying about it can affect the children. It's easy to think about how hard it may be for them having split parents and homes.

    That being said however, you have to remember how perceptive children can be and they can often pick up on if there are problems between the parents. In my instance, after my ex-wife and I separated we were much happier in ourselves actually got on a lot better. Having two places to live didn't really bother my children as I think they were more happy with the better relationship their mother and I now have.

    Because we chose to set aside our differences, we have managed to maintain a good friendship which allows us to all still spend some good family time together. As we are both still single, we even still take the occasional family trip and holidays together (if one of us entered a relationship, that would probably have to change although we would still remain friends).

    All in all, I think as long as both of you remain civil and mature, separating doesn't have to be a negative experience and can, as in my case, actually be a positive one. Hope that helps somewhat.

    Happy days :slight_smile:
     
  18. Thessa Blossom

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    Just noticed my mistake: It will get better... It got worse...
     
    #18 Thessa Blossom, Jul 31, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2016