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How to make the first move on online dating?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tre, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. Tre

    Tre
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    I don't have much opportunities to meet people in real life, so I'm trying online dating. I've tried before and I just didn't know how to make the first move. It's so frustrating being a queer girl because no one will make the first move. How can I send messages that are fun, interesting and not awkward? Any good lines I can use on everyone?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Believe it or not, a very simple, "Hello, how are you? I enjoyed reading your profile." Is always a good straight forward approach.
     
  3. Tre

    Tre
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    I'm 20. I'm sure that works great for your age group. Just sounds weird and stilted for me.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    What actually sounds weird, even at your age group (and any age group for that matter) is when people are trying to hard. It comes off as forced and contrived. And no one appreciates a lack of authenticity. So, trying to come up with good lines to use means your trying to hard, and is unauthentic. Just be yourself. As your build more experiencing life, you might see it will take you farther and help you achieve your goals better.

    Of course, being 20, I am sure you have strong convictions different to what I am saying, but keep this post. Look back on it in the years to come......
     
    #4 OnTheHighway, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  5. Tre

    Tre
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    Just be yourself doesn't make any sense to me...
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    For 19 years when I was in the closet, it did not make sense to me either. But we all learn :slight_smile:
     
  7. Tre

    Tre
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    I'm still kind of in the closet. I just can't deal with everyone doubting my sexuality.
     
  8. Robert

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    Hey there, Tre :slight_smile: I see you are frorm Canada; I have never actually been outside of Europe myself but I read about how much space and pretty much uninhabited land there is in your country :eek: It sounds like a campers paradise ... Actually, you have bears there dont you? :eek: I think I'll stick to England as our wild life tends to have significantly less giant hungry death machines lurking around :lol:
    Do you live in a rural area or in a city, may I ask? I recently moved from a city to a town to a village. It can get a but lonely around here but the area is so beautiful (plus there are less drug dealers trying to stab me so thats good, I guess :lol:slight_smile:.

    Where did you come up with the username 'Tre' by the way? Its French for three isnt it? Or does it have another meaning also?


    -----------

    Thats the sort of message I would send. Granted I'm not the smartest when it comes to social stuff but its somewhere to start, at least.
    So, just to be clear what I did: Read the persons profile... Show your interest by responding to certain parts of it. Talk a bit about yourself. Ask a few questions to get to know the person more. Poke fun at yourself a little or show your good humour in another way.
    But always remember to be true to yourself. You're not trying to trick anybody in to responding to you... You're just trying to show who you are and what you're about.
    Dont expect an answer from most people.
    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Robert, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  9. Dobby

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    I have a similar problem to you. It is strange though, because i feel like i should make the first move.

    i downloaded an app for dating (the one where you swipe left or right), and found the casual format so much easier to start a conversation (i have only started talking to one girl...i'm a newbie)

    i just sent a message like saying morning and asking how she was and acknowledging we matched, i also find emoticons or memes are a really good icebreaker and lead to a light and easy conversation (if she is on the same wave length about enjoying memes/emoticons).

    good luck, would love to hear an update if you have any success and your method!

    (&&&)
     
  10. Robert

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    Yeah. Just be yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I personally wouldnt respond to someone just saying "Hi. How are you? We matched... Yay!". But people are different.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 10:38 AM ----------

    Your profile picture, as well, should represent your personality or should have something interesting in.

    Got a pet? Go on holiday? Enjoy playing chess? Like a certain Tv show? Cheeky? Good natured? Try and show this stuff in your pictures.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    Just food for thought, as I can appreciate where you are on your journey, there is a massive difference in our individual perception of authenticity when comparing the perception while being in the closet and the perception after coming out of the closet. Coming out of the closing eliminates massive emotional walls the impede our ability to truly be ourselves. Although I am sure I am not telling you anything you do not already know.
     
  12. confusedbubble

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    I found my partner via an app I read her profile and created a message round that I think I said something like hey how are you so I see you are into xx band what's your favourite song from them? She has tattoos so I asked about one that she mentioned in her profile, I also asked about her cooking and what she likes to make.
    We messaged each other asking various stuff asking about each others profiles later she asked for my number and we messaged via messenger app and took it from there.

    Try to pay attention to what their profile says and build a message around that, use smilies and emojis, ask about what they do for work if it's not stated or what hobbies they have
     
  13. Tre

    Tre
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    I've already tried coming out. I couldn't handle the way people responded. That ended up making me suffer from a terrible obsession about my sexuality. I wish people would have warned me more about the doubters and how horribly they would affect me. I bet I would have been better off if I didn't come out.
     
  14. sonnentanz

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    Focus on interests and what they mention as being important or fun to them, and don't overthink it. Past a point there are diminishing returns to waiting and thinking, anyway.
     
  15. Chickadee123

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    My girlfriend of two years hit me up with a simple 'hello, how are you?' And it went from there. I agree with others that have said make conversation about their interests.
    Don't overthink it, I did for a very long time, but now I'm really happy :slight_smile:
    If someone doesn't respond don't be disheartened, just keep looking, you never know who you might meet :slight_smile:
    Just practice online safety, video chat before you meet, let a friend know who, where, when, etc.
    I didn't come out till nearly a year into our relationship, I was terrified of coming out and what people would think; turned out they were happy that I was happy :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Chickadee123, Jul 29, 2016
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  16. SpTara

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    As a lesbian who met her girlfriend of two years through an app...

    When we are in the closet, it's like there are two sides of us, the one people-who-don't-know see and our truly self, the one what people-who-knows see. So if you are talking with another lesbian, then you can be yourself, cause you have nothing to hide. The being in or out of the closet doesn't matter!

    Sometimes we try too hard to impress someone and it's just worse, so my advise is to take a look to her profile and see if there is something you can remark or talk about... and why not begin with a Hi, how are you? You can be nice and interesting but also polite :slight_smile:

    I usually found that sometimes it was too obvious that the person was trying too hard to impress and that made me lose interest. I guess in the end it depends of the preferences of the person you are talking to, so the more reason to act naturally.

    Hope it helps! And don't give up hope, usually it takes some attempts to find someone really interesting
     
  17. Tre

    Tre
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    I don't feel like I can be myself in the queer community. I think I'm too geeky, weird and awkward to fit in.
     
  18. Michael

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    It seems you were literally looking for sentences to break the ice. There is advice out there, just google it.

    On the other hand, the advice being given to you was not worthless. When you do just what others do, you become others. The implications of that become clear when you feel tired of having to act like others. For instance, how do you feel being on the closet. I'm still in the closet in many places, and to many people, so I can keep a job, or I don't need to break contact with someone from my family, but you know that having to act is not enjoyable, unless you are really into acting.

    For pre-made sentences, like pre-processed food, google is your friend. I'm sure you are not the only one who asks for this kind of advice, but what they advice you was well meant. Imagine that the girl at the other side also rushes to google best reponses to the first message, and answers you with that. Are you both going to spend the rest of the relationship doing it? I guess you could...

    Wish you the best...
     
  19. sonnentanz

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    I actually know a lot of people who are geeky, weird, and awkward and would probably understand. Most people don't like to make that their public face, though, because they're also worried about what people would think if they knew how much time they spent watching anime in their pajamas as an adult.