I am devastated and i have no one to talk to

i was in a same sex relationship. both of us are closeted especially my ex. I wanted to tell my best friends and I wasnt really bothered about showing affection in public but
my girlfriend was sooooo conscious and closeted. It was her 2nd proper relationship with a girl and she claims to be bi. I on the other hand had several relationships with females and i am quite more towards a lesbian than bi...i think i was in denial when i was dating males and it felt right when i dated females...i am still not completely open as i know my parents will faint but i told my close friends about my plast relationships and they are all fine about it. my ex really didnt want me to talk about our relationship with other people so i listened to her and didnt tell anybody... we were a secret, in hiding, lying..
going on trips, checking into hotels was like a 007 plan.

nobody knew we were together so i have no one to talk to after the break up because my friends never knew i was seeing anyone.

i was dumped 30th July.i was seeing her for just over a year. my best friend knew her from work and she fell and hurt herself and my friend referred her to me for treatment.
thats how we first met..we kept texting for couple months and started dating...although we had a rough start since she didnt want to ruin our mutual friends we had around us
and she said she didnt want to hurt me later..but we came through and she said she loved me and started going out since last July 2015.

She recently lost her father(stroke) and i was with her 24/7 comforting her and her family. since i am a doctor i helped out with her Father's admission and all the hospital things from the beginning. Her father was in our university hospital for about 3 weeks. even during admission she was very reluctant for me to come and see her and her family in the hospital...she felt uncomfortable about me
taking care of her father and talking to other physicians and seeing her family for the first time. so i refrained from going down to the ICU since she didnt want me to come.( i now think she was like this because we were not just "friends" so she felt uncomfortable about me being around her family) i was hurt she said all those things to me since i really went out of my way to help her Father transfer and etc.. but i tried to understand since she was going through a difficult time in her life. After the funeral she wanted to be left alone cuz she said she couldnt be bothered to do anything and was really tired. I understood so i left her alone and gave her some space. we met after 2weeks and instead of giving me a hug
and telling me she missed me and how grateful she was.. like she promised she would, she said shes sorry and thankful but she doesnt feel the same about me anymore and wants to be good friends for life.

i was shocked and devastated felt betrayed in a way..used and dumped?

even couple days before she dumped me she asked me to do stuff for her and said sweet stuff like she loves me and kisses on the phone.

when she dumped me in the car after dinner. i tried to act calm..didnt cry...i was in shock but i was polite..she was the one in tears really crying her eyes out..
i wished her well..she wanted to stay friends...i didnt answer her i said i dont become friends with my exes she kept saying she was sorry and that it was all her fault... and told me what a great person i was and losing me
is a stupid thing she knows that...she said right now she doesnt have the capacity to take care of people and she barely has energy to take care of her mom...and she doesn't want to go out with anyone whether its a guy or girl. i got out of the car...i was in tears and in bed the whole weekend...she texted saying she's sorry about everything and she wants me to hate her until i feel better and that its all her fault

she said i didnt do anything wrong but she just doesnt feel the same way anymore ...she said she still loves me but not as much as before and she feels that pretty soon that love will fade as well and she wanted to tell me

before it gets too late to even be friends.(dont know what she means by this) we recently came back from london and paris and had a good time..so i really dont know what went wrong...we traveled a lot together since we could only be intimate behind closed doors..we shared a lot of memories together although kissing and holding handsin public etc...was rarely possible.

I texted her the next day after she dumped me and ignored her for couple days and she and her roommate got so worried she called my work so i had to talk to her.she desperately wants to be friends with me and saids shes sorry.

i am so devastated since our relationship was a secret. she didn't want to tell anybody even our closest best friends
and so even my bestfriends or her best friends dont know we were together.

they might have a guess theres something going on between us but they dont know for sure since we never told them straight out. she was always so secretive and weary about other people finding out and i think she also freaked out since i met all her family and other group of friends during the funeral and while her father was ill i obvious had to meet her mom and her relatives since her father was admitted in our hospital...and i think she got scared and threatened in a way since i was now in the 'open' to her friends and family and they were all nice to me and wondered when we became such good friends cuz they never really knew about me...and we all got along so well which i think made her nervous and stressed.

I think she thought its better to keep me as a friend which would make life easier for her and also i think she was in a state where she was so sick and tired of hiding from people which i think really got to her when she lost her father and she really couldlnt be bothered with anything and was not in the mood to meet anyone or do anything.

she's a introvert person that doesnt show her feelings to even her closest friends and people didnt even know that her father was ill until he passed away which really shows how much she's introvert and secretive person and doesnt like talking about her personal life and feelings to people around her.

yes, i had a hard time as well for a year going out with her but i thought we can get through it because we really loved each other. During the one year we really went through alot and shared a lot of memories...we were both annoyed at times especially me..since she was sooo secretive about us...and she also lived with her ex/work boss/first female relationship(so complicating i know) still although they broke up years ago and both have new girlfriends they are very close friends almost like siblings now and i am quite close to her as well. trying to keep it a secret even from the roommate was very difficult..this meant texting was difficult, talking on the phone was very limited when she was around...and just made our relationship really difficult...and put a strain on our relationship. we also went on holiday together the three of us and it was so annoying trying to avoid her eye. and trying to be just "friends" acting like friends that are not THAT close which may arouse suspicions.

we also planned a holiday together which i already paid for. she has no loss in this since i paid for this holiday. the whole trip was catered around her schedule and when she wanted to go. we were planning about the holiday even right before she broke up with me. i dont know what she was thinking. maybe she was trying to not break up with me? or did she think that we can still go with no problems? or was it a impulsive breakup?

she moved out this weekend and is now living alone..which we were really looking forward to.. i am also moving out from my parents house now which would make things much easier on both of us..dont know why she had to break up so suddently when she knew things would be better off for both of us.

we kind of thought her roommate/ex/work boss knew about us..and i recently got a text from her roommate saying she kind of knows whats going on but didnt want to say anything before we said anything to her first.

she saids she knows why i am so distant and so depressed. she advised me if you really want something act wisely and you can go around a bit, although its a longer route. she also said my ex moved out well and that

she is not motivated to do anything at the moment...she said my ex is going through a " can't be bothered to do anything phase". she said i should give her some time and talk it out with her and decide whats good for us.

my ex sent me a text after we spoke(a week ago) and told me she doesnt know how she should act and that she wants to help me be better. i told her i have nobody to talk to and she said

"thats the reality of our relationship...." but even still...I love her...

i recently told my best friend who actually knows her as well...and i am doing the No Contact rule which is driving me crazy...since her roommate texts me to check up on me i know they work side by side and are close and

i dont want her to talk about me or i dont know what they talk about...but i just dont know what to do...

I still want her back...but I am so confused about her..how can she say she doesnt feel the same anymore after all that we've been through and after all that i have done for her family and for her...i feel so hurt that she had to end it like that..at that moment..
on that day...after seeing her for the first time after the funeral...she said seeing you being so good to my mom and mingling so well with my friends..i felt i want to keep you as a friend..and its not fair hiding you to all of them...
and she said she will make it up to me when we become friends..for all the hurt and lies we had to go through...she said she didnt treat me right and that she will make up for all the things she did wrong while we were seeing each other...
she saids we can really be a special friend...

we planned a holiday together in September..i really want to go still..she saids she wants to go as well as long as i'm ok with it...

what do you guys think? does anyone have similar stories like mine?
it was such a one-sided relationship...i did everything she wanted me to do
and i dumped out of the blue.
Please give me any advice or anything...i am desperate..in pain...lost...and dont know what to do...