Genderfluid (afab) - Tips? Presenting as male? Relationships?

Hey everyone

I'm biologically female, and until recently had identified as a lesbian and presented as a girl. However I've always felt there was something very unfixed about my gender.

I never felt particularly happy in my female body, yet neither did I want a male body all the time - I knew I wasn't trans. It would also flip back and forth a lot, so sometimes I'd be fine in my female body, then sometimes I would feel so uncomfortable and want to get rid of everything female and have male genitalia. Socially I've always been comfortable with men and women, and floated somewhere in the middle of not quite 'fitting in' with the guys, but equally being way too manly and crude for most women?! It never really concerned me, and apart from the days where the dysphoria was particularly bad I wouldn't pay much attention to how I felt within my gender. I guess I didn't think too much about gender in general...

I like women, but felt somehow guilty about using the term lesbian. It didn't quite fit how I feel, because a lot of the time I feel like a straight man rather than a lesbian female. So I guess I just tell people 'I like women'. More often now though when it comes to attraction for women I feel male, and so I'm starting to experience these 'flips' in gender more and more often, and the dysphoria is starting to really get me down some days.

Something that's been frustrating me recently is working in a female clothes shop and having to go into work in a dress - I just feel like a man in a dress sometimes! So even though anyone who sees me just thinks 'oh, a standard girl in a pretty dress' that is not what is going on inside...

So a couple of months ago I started experimenting with presenting as male. I still live at home, and my mum has always liked me to look typically girly - would only let me wear dresses when I was young, kept my hair long, encouraged makeup etc. I cut off my hair last year and she was so upset. I look way more androgynous now, and have been working on broadening my shoulders and building arm muscle. Now my brother is bigger than me (he's grown so much recently - I'm jealous!!) so I stole all his old clothes Yesterday I bound my chest and went to a beach party wearing one of his old shirts, jeans, converses. Easily slipped into my male mannerisms. I have quite a deep voice anyway, my jaw is square, I'm the height of an average man... I felt good. Like, super good And my really close friend (who is a straight female) told me I looked like a 'cute farmer boy' (which I took as a compliment!).

So I guess I'm looking for tips on presenting as male? And getting people to treat me as a man when I do so? I mean, I felt good last night, but equally everyone there who knew me knew I was 'female' even though I was trying to pass as male (I'm only out to the one friend who called me 'cute'). Everyone was referring to me by my female name, but I do have a male name I'd like people to call me. But because I'm not trans, and my gender flips, I feel like maybe it's too confusing to ask people who don't know me that well to switch pronouns and name?

Also, any tips on how to deal with this within relationships? I haven't been involved with anyone for ages because I've been quite happy just figuring out who I am, but now I'm more comfortable with it I'm starting to think of dating again. I guess bisexual/pansexual women will have the greatest chance of being alright with my switches in gender?

 

Good luck with everything Snidi I hope you do manage to find someone.

Out of curiosity, what do you do about your name and how people refer to you pronoun-wise?
I love my female name that was given to me by my mother, so I don't want to switch for a gender-neutral name. I have also found a name that I really identify with as a male. But I don't know whether it's too much to expect people around me to use two different names? With pronouns I'm happy with gender-neutral 'they', so I'm going to ask people to use that when I come out to them. But the name thing is more of an issue to me...

 

Yes, that's what I was worried about... Pronouns not such a problem, as they/them is good for me, but as for the name... I don't know, I like my name too much to let it go, but it's such a soft typically female name.
Don't know where I lie yet as far as being masc/femme gender fluid is concerned. I can't really explore my male behaviour/presentation until after I've moved away from home (my mother genuinely hates it when I look even remotely un-girly). I'm starting to feel male more and more often though and experiencing dysphoria more frequently and strongly, so really can't tell where I'll settle with masc/femme (guess that's part of being gender fluid ) ...So I guess you're right, a gender-neutral name is probably best :/

Were your family understanding when you came out? I'm not sure my parents even know what 'gender fluid' is. I'm not even out to them about my sexuality, so the prospect of trying to explain this too makes me really nervous. Not sure whether to do it in two stages or just get it all over and done with in one go? I really want to tell them, because I get this vibe from them that they know I'm keeping something from them but they can't tell what it is...

---------- Post added 25th Aug 2016 at 11:22 AM ----------

Lawlight - yes! Thank you. I don't know how, but I've never come across that term before... Just googled it and it fits perfectly.

 

Mm... My mother and I have never had the best relationship. She's ignored me for periods of 4/5/6 months at a time over things she'd feel less strongly negative about. I know she'd probably be ok about me liking women, eventually, but not so sure about the gender fluidity :/ I'm worried she'd disown me/not acknowledge my existence for possibly years.