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I have a girlfriend but might be gay..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Whoamo, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. Whoamo

    Regular Member

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    Hi,
    I'm 18 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7 months now. She has been my very best friend for years and our relationship was the best and happiest part of my life, we love each other deeply and in contrast to most relationships my friends have, thinking about a future together always made me happy and was something I was sure about, not something that would make me worry and panic. To sum up, what we have is very special. Since 1 month I'm an exchange student far away from home and we are physically separated. At first, everything felt normal, I missed her a lot a looked forward to going back, but 2 weeks ago everything started to change: I started getting panic attacks and thinking a lot about everything, until I realized I might be gay. Since then I am concerned the entire time, thinking about who I am and unable to enjoy what I am actually living.
    I just feels like everything is different, and I am starting to distance myself subconsciously from her. Although I feel like everything I want is to go back, stay with her forever, have children and be happy as I was before, something in me knows and tells me there is no going back, that I won't be happy with her and would suffer a lot If I tried to hide what I feel. Since she is my best friend normally she would be the person I'd talk to, but how am I supposed to do this?
    Also, I don't know what I am: gay or bi. It isn't that I never realized I might be different before, I played with dolls when I was a child and never was rude like "the other boys", I somehow also knew I might be gay when we started our relationship, but it never seemed as something that could change what I feel for her and just didn't concern me.
    I feel sexual pleasure when with her, but recently I realized in public I don't pay attention to good looking women, I pay attention to men. When I masturbate thinking about her turns me on and I orgasm, but I naturally tend to think more about men when masturbating. Also, I feel very guilty, as if I was lying to her, this breaks my heart and I feel suffocated.
    What am I supposed to do?
    I could talk to my sister or parents a outs this, but I simply can't. I'm afraid I would loose a lot of friends if I came out (since we have the same friends) and especially since I feel like I would hurt her forever. In my head my future life is with her, I can't imagine it without her. Also, strangely, the thought of another guy "having" her, spending his life with her and having children with her makes me feel angry...
    I really don't now if I'm gay but am afraid if so, it is something I won't be able to keep in the dark.
     
  2. Nordland

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you ever had feelings for other men or felt attraction towards them?
     
  3. Whoamo

    Regular Member

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    I never had romantic feelings for other men, but like I've said, in public I feel attracted towards men...