1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can anyone relate?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confused1988, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. Confused1988

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nsw
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So this is only my second post on here and I suppose I'm just searching for people in the same situation.

    I have mentioned before that I'm married with kids and im completely happy now to admit to myself I'm bisexual. I guess my biggest problem is that I'm not out. I convinced myself for some time that it didn't matter if people knew because it didn't change the fact that I'm married and that's not going to change. I've realised now that it is important. I can't deny part of myself and while I don't want to go round telling the world, I would like to tell some close friends. I just want that side of me acknowledged.

    In the mean time, I'm just looking to connect with people who may be in the same situation? I often feel quite lonely not been able to talk openly about all this.

    Thanks x
     
  2. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi. I'm not bisexual, I'm gay. But I am married. One question about why it is important to you. What do you want to do now with the knowledge that you're bi?

    I think answering that question may help you to move forward. For example, if you desire to include a woman in your sexual and/or romantic life, what does that scenario look like? Would your husband approve?

    If you don't want that and wish to be exclusive with your husband but now you're not hiding anymore, then what's the point of coming out?

    IMO it is only worth it to go through the painful process of coming out LGBTQ+ if you intend to act on it.
     
  3. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi confused!

    I'm also bisexual and also married with a kid. My husband has always known and I'm out to some family, some friends and some people at work. I previously had a relationship with a women when I was much younger.

    I'm going to have to disagree with Imgay47 and say that it is worth the painful process of coming out to people even if you don't intend to act on it. With people who know I'm bisexual, I'm more open, more relaxed and feel more 'myself'. I'm not hiding anything, I'm not censoring my conversation. Its part of my identify and I've realised I need to express that in order to be happy.

    Is your husband supportive? How does he feel about it? Although my husband has always known he felt a bit threatened about me being more open and more 'out' although I think he has come around to the idea. We talk about women we think are hot :wink: Although I am exclusive with my husband at the moment I can't rule out being with a women again in the future.

    Are there any close friends or family you could confide in? Do you know any other LGBT people?
     
  4. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I agree with a lot of what Dirtyshirt wrote. I was the definition of a happy closeted bisexual for 30 years of marriage. My wife never knew...no one did. I loved my gay feelings and thought I accepted myself. It all unraveled with a back injury and wife's hysterectomy. Over the course of two years I became a total ass to my wife, friends coworkers.

    I came out to my wife and it changed my life. See, I thought I accepted my sexuality but I didn't really. I was able to be completely honest and vulnerable to my wife. We started being intimate again at a level we never had because the secret was gone.

    Now, I am in the process of starting to come out to other family and friends. Only close ones though. I think I need to be able to be more open to all the people close to me. My wife and I worry about what people will think of our marriage, but we are starting to get over that fear.

    Everyone is a little different and this is a decision that includes your husband.
     
    #4 Nickw, Aug 28, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2016
  5. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I definitely disagree with the idea of only coming out if you plan to act on it. Even if you know you're going to stay in a monogamous relationship with your husband, it's still worth coming out. There's probably a part of you that just feels like you're lying in your daily life by not talking about this fundamental part of you. It might not be something you scream from the rooftops, but there's a difference between not talking about it because it doesn't come up and not talking about it because you're hiding it. Being out means you can talk about it whenever you want, and also not talk about it whenever you don't. Not out of fear or shame, but out of it just having nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It's knowing you could, not fearing what if you slip up and it comes out.
     
  6. Goldensun

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2016
    Messages:
    133
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Accepting your sexuality is a big step. It was for me. But then knowing what to do with this new knowledge is difficult and is something that changes constantly. But it's only fair to include your husband in the process and to do this, you'll probably need to give him time and space to work through it all. Maybe tell him it's ok if he talks about it with someone. And try and find ways to include your sexuality in your relationship - my wife bought me a nice calendar one year of male nudes and we both enjoyed the photos a lot. Because coming out and then doing nothing about it can be very difficult.
    As far as friends, maybe you have a close friend who you trust and you can discuss it with them and feel safe that their not going to out you to others. I told my best friend that I was bisexual before I'd even been with a guy but even he needed time to process the information.
    Treat yourself with respect and treat your husband with respect and find ways to explore and enjoy your sexuality with him.
    Maybe this will be enough, maybe not.
    Good luck and enjoy the journey wherever it may take you.