The best approach for dealing with this guy

Wow! I can't give much advice on this, but I am a sympathetic ear to your venting.

From my perspective of what you wrote, he seems to have a very real (physical/sexual) attraction to you (you said he asked you out on a date - did he call it a 'date'?) that he himself is not comfortable with in his own mind at all. That makes the problem mostly his, but it's obviously having a big emotional impact on you, as well, because you are openly attracted to him. So, is he secretly gay or bisexual or is he just messing with you by being a big tease? Have you thought about sitting him down and having a one-on-one heart-to-heart conversation, telling him that if he won't be upfront with you in the conversation that you intend to just walk away and have nothing to do with him ever again (or something along those lines, depending on how you feel about it)?

Knowing only the actions that you have described, I kinda think he's got at least a huge crush on you. But if you try to pursue a relationship with someone who is in self-denial, you are going to suffer massive emotional consequences. Sometimes it can be worth it, sometimes not. In my view, it depends in large part on whether or not he's on the brink of opening up to his own sexuality (in his own mind, first) or if he's locked in his denial, but is messing with you because his subconscious and body won't allow him to completely deny his true nature. (The heart-to-heart conversation I mentioned above might bring things to a head between the two of you - and, actually, do you have anything to lose by doing something like that?)

Ultimately, I guess, only you can decide if you think it's better to try to pursue a relationship in this situation or just shut it off and not have to have such a distraction in your life.

I don't know if I've really been of any help to you. Sorry.:icon_sad:

 

Does he know you're gay?

 

Good point, NickW! I assumed that when he said:

that his friend KNEW he was gay. I mean, what straight guy tells his friend HE thinks he's hot?

 

He is probably bicurious, bi or gay. But, he does sound like he sort of wants you to make a move. Then he won't have to decide.

I was him once. But, not quite so dramatic. I flirted and hinted with a gay guy because I wanted him to decide I was into it. Not me. It was chickenshit of me and not fair to the other guy. Not fair to you. I wish this guy would have just said "look me up when you figure it out". What he did do was proposition me. Scared the shit out of me but it worked. I decided to face my sexuality because of it!

But, if I would have taken him up on it, I was not ready and it might have been a scene.

I advocate total honesty. Just flat out ask him what he wants. Then you decide if you are cool with it.

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 03:41 PM ----------

My friends and I have done this for years joking around. Little did they know I was serious!

 

Whew! You said so much! (Not a problem.) So, let me try to address things that caught my attention in order. (And all of this is just my opinion, of course. And you don't actually know me from Jack, but I promise to be honest and heartfelt- if not always tactful.) (I don't know how this post is going to look because I'm going to try to parse your post in pieces to respond to specific comments directly.)

If he didn't say the word "date," that would be more of an indicator to me that he even more repressed or actually just stringing you along (the extremes).

You weren't questioning his sexuality (I assume), so that would indicate to me HIS repressed sexuality putting 'words', as it were, in YOUR mouth.

It's definitely NOT fair to you, which is why I said that only you can decide whether or not you think pursuing a relationship with him is worth it. And I would bet money (not literally, because I would never try to make money from someone else's pain) that you will end up suffering significant emotional distress (at least in the near-term) from pursuing a relationship with him.

Uh, sorry, no. Not everyone deals with their own sexuality the same way. That's why we are all individuals. Personally, I didn't come out until very late in life, but I dealt internally with my sexual preference and became comfortable with it at a very young age. If he's dealing with religious, moral, family, etc issues that tell him it's wrong, he may not yet have really faced his own sexuality in the mirror. No bad on him. People are people.

A couple of the 'gayest' friends I've had, if you will excuse the use of the word in an almost derogatory fashion, were initially 'straight' guys who had a ton of girlfriends, but they could never keep a girlfriend for any lengthy relationship. Can you guess why?

That's cute. And yet another indicator of how much he seems to be in to you. But then his denial kicks in...

Oh, yeah, and Chris Hemsworth is very cute. I put him in the league of Hayden Christensen.

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 06:57 PM ----------

NickW's comment about total honest is totally in line with mine about having a heart-to-heart conversation with him. If I was in your situation and he wouldn't open up in a heart-to-heart, I'd let him go. But, again, I'm only providing my opinion from a distance and in the real world only you can ultimately decide what is best for you. (Albeit, hopefully, a bit more informed from the discussion in this forum.)

 

I guess when it comes down to it, StarHealer, you have to live your life. If you invest too much more emotional capital in this semi-/kinda-/sorta-/sort-not relationship, you have much more to lose than he does. What do you really have to lose by ‘pulling off the band-aid,’ as you said? From what you posted, it basically would either mean that you go your separate ways (by your choice overtly, but also by his choice if he doesn’t choose to open talk to you when you question him directly) or the two of you become MUCH closer. Either way, your life moves forward, doesn’t it?

It sounds like you think that because you move in the same circles, ending it on your side won’t necessarily end it on his. I guess if it came down to it, you could always tell him that if he doesn’t own up or let it go, that you would start telling your friends about your failed mutual love affair with him… but that would be pretty mean and probably a last resort – maybe the just the threat would be enough. (In fact, I think I, personally, might threaten someone in similar situation to yours with that, but I don’t think I could ever actually do it.) YOU have to live your own life.

I don't think you really want to listen to that little voice in the back of your head and just freak him out. That would ultimately leave you unresolved emotionally.

And you still haven’t shown any evidence that he isn’t just stringing you along and playing with you. That is a horrible thing to do and I still think it’s unlikely given all the other things he’s done to and with you, but it still can’t be ruled out at this point.

As far as age, goes, I wasn’t being critical, I was just pointing out that you can’t assume what feelings about his sexual identity he has come to terms with at any particular age. If he is in deep denial, why would he have gone through this before? Maybe he has and is in denial about that, as well. Or maybe he has simply never encountered a guy he cared about as much as you before now. A good friend of mine had a boyfriend about 15 years ago who was in his 40’s who was married and two daughter when he ‘suddenly’ came out of the closet. Of course, it wasn't really suddenly, but he hadn’t accepted his sexual identity up to that point.

As to why ‘you,’ love is a mysterious thing. Real, lasting relationships are based on so much more than physical attraction. The idea of a true soul mate is not a myth and it has nothing to do with the physical appearance or gender of either person. Don’t question your own self worth. If someone loves you that is enough.

Best of luck and stay strong!

 

Sorry to hear that StarHealer, but maybe the best way to look at it is that now you can move on...

 

I think it's best, with everything you've said, to let this one go. Even if he is gay, even if he likes you, even if you like him, you're both on two totally different pages. Things aren't this difficult when it comes to a flowing, healthy relationship.

Don't be in a relationship because he makes it seem like you are. Be in a relationship because you guys are great together. This is not great together. At least it doesn't sound that way at all. He could still be sorting out his sexuality, but believe me, you don't want to stick around for that. He may never accept it and always just play games so he can get his fill without anything real happening.

You guys don't seem to speak the same language. That would only get worse and more hurtful the deeper you guys might get. So either tell him you like him and want to be with him, having a super open and honest conversation with him - or leave it be.

 

You sound attached - fretting & worrying about him, whether he smirked or smiled. It's not healthy.

Let go of him. If there is anything there, he'll come to you. But don't wait for him, or expect it. Put the ball in his court, do some kind of separation ritual for & by yourself, and move on. Don't waste any more of your time with this guy. Find someone authentic.

 

You have what I call a "Player" in your net. You opened up emotionally to him and he is playing safe. For a time he may say all the right words every now and then (knowing that you are into him), but he is either genuinely playing you or he is just chicken shit scared which brings up all sorts of puke - denial, defensiveness, even dating a girl and telling you about it to throw your head in a tailspin, etc...

If he doesn't mean what he says and says what he means and his actions match his words. Save yourself a whole heaps of heartache!

He is game playing against your emotions. Seemingly in but really hidden.

Stop second guessing his motives, what he says, what that face he shows - what could it mean? It will just do your head in looking for hope

Guys (closeted gay guys too) can be mean and play all sorts of childish twisted games when they know someone is into them more so if its another guy.

Just ignore him (that may take some time to let go of him emotionally) work professionally.

 

It sounds like he is interested in you, but is feeling ashamed of his sexuality. The fact that he's getting jealous and acting this way tells me he wants you. I just think he's having a hard time accepting it. I think maybe you need to confront him and say something like, "Look, I don't know what your problem is but, do you like me like that, or are you just fucking around with me? I'm willing to give this a shot, but if you keep playing games like this, I'll have no choice but to end this whole thing."

I'm being harsh because it seems to me that he communicates that way. Keep us updated.

EDIT: I just read the other posts. He's an asshole, yes. But I think he's acting this way to repress his feelings and sexuality. He reminds me of the guy, Perry, in the movie The Mudge Boy.

 

LOL! He's toxic. You don't deserve that crap in your life.