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Crushes on Friends?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CoconutOilLady, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. CoconutOilLady

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    There are a LOT of stories from gay people about how when they were at school, they had a crush on their best friend(s). It's so common, but it's never happened with me. My friends have always only been seen as friends in my eyes - while my crushes were always, instead, on teachers.
    I don't think It's even an 'older woman' thing, because despite the first teacher I fell for being 30 and the next being 45, I have had many famous crushes who have been as young as 23.

    So I think it's an 'adult' thing (I know I'm 18 now so really, it's fine now. But these teacher crushes were when I was 13-16.)


    Why is this? Has anyone else had this? Why can't I develop a crush on someone my own age? My friend is gay too and I'm pretty certain she likes me, and I don't like her back despite having never met anyone I have as much in common with as her. We think in nearly exactly the same way and I love being around her - but that's it. The idea of anything more makes me really uncomfortable. The idea of going further with any of my friends disgusts me.
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Heya,

    I don't have direct experience of this as I do/have crushes on my friends but I think there might a couple of points and questions for you to think on.

    Everyone experiences romantics and sexual attraction in different ways. I think I tend to have crushes on friends because I know them and the idea of being romantic with someone I haven't gotten to know well is a bit baffling for me (even if I find them sexually appealing). Basically, I'm trying to say try not to stress too much on the fact that you've only had crushes on non-friends.

    However, it does (obviously) bother you so here's a question: does it bother you because you had crushes on non-friends or because you had crushes on teachers or because they were older?

    I think most people get crushes on friends because of the emotional closeness that can develop. Following on from that, are you worried that you feel emotionally close to people without any romantic and/or sexual attraction? (Sorry if this is a bit presumptuous but you mentioned specifically your friend has crushes on their best friends so emotional closeness could have been a factor in their crushes). Also what is it about the idea of going further with friends that disgusts you? Is it crossing a boundary or because you would feel it have to be forced or is it just unappealing?

    These are just some things to think about and hopefully answering these questions (to yourself, you don't have to post your responses) will help. I want to be clear that I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you and your answers are you own, everyone experiences attractions differently, I'm just asking these questions so that - hopefully - in answering them you will gain some clarity. I hope this helps and post back if you want to do so.
     
  3. CoconutOilLady

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    Thank you for this.

    I suppose my friends are more like intellectual soul mates. There's always been very little emotion attached to my friends - I do like them, but emotional bonds are never formed. The main emotional connections I feel are towards those I have romantic feelings for. So I guess that's why.
     
  4. Creativemind

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    Because everyone is different.

    I personally can only be attracted to my friends, and not strangers. Some people can only be attracted to strangers and not people they know. There's no right or wrong to this.
     
  5. Barbatus

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    No problem. Hope it helped you think things through. From what you say it sounds like you just don't have romantic feelings about your friends but, as Creativemind said, everyone is different. If I might make a suggestion, it might be that you feel like you should have crushes on friends because other people do - but that is really not how you should judge yourself. You should just do what you feel comfortable with and fall for who you fall for. I personally don't think there is anything remotely odd about what you experience. (Actually, I always worry that I don't fall for strangers but only for people I have gotten to know - basically the opposite concern of yours.)

    I hope you realise that you shouldn't be feeling one thing or another and know that you are who you are and what other people feel is no comment on you. :slight_smile:
     
  6. iiimee

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    I can sort of understand what you're saying: I don't typically have an age preference, but I do find it easier to date someone two years older or younger than me, usually because the people in my age group try way too hard to be my friends, and because of this they end up seeming more like fans than friends, or siblings at the very best... Personally, I just like someone who can match me intellectually and is attractive. :/ Still, I guess these personal tastes are too picky, because I only end up rejecting people and then getting rejected 90% of the time. XD It's not like I only like people who will never like me, but the few who actually match my tastes AND like me end up not being able to date me for other reasons, such as living far away or something else that's horrid...

    When it comes to really, really close friends though, I do sometimes fall for them. Not always, but usually if they make a move towards me, I won't find it that unpleasant... but yeah, my really, REALLY close friends aren't in the same age group as me typically.
     
  7. CoconutOilLady

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    That is true. I worry about it because I have never met anyone/heard of anyone else who doesn't fall for their friends. When I am drawn to someone female it's either because I want to be friends with them or because I find them adorable and want to date them. It never overlaps(perhaps it may happen one day, but so far it never has). It's like as soon as I become friends with somebody, I have the same reaction to the possibility of anything romantic happening with them as I would if they were a family member. It's just entirely off limits.
     
  8. littlespencie

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    I relate to this! I'm just starting to come out in my thirties, but as a young girl I always had highly romantic crushes on pretty teachers and church leaders and one college professor. Never had the same feelings toward friends. Friends were just friends. I've had deep emotional connections with a few of my female friends, to the point it broke my heart when they moved away, but I never could see them in a romantic light. As I am coming out, I sometimes question whether I was repressing romantic feelings for them, but so far I haven't come to any clear conclusions, so I'm content to leave them in the friend category. :slight_smile:

    Question - do you think the "teacher" thing had anything to do with them being unattainable or a challenge? I wonder for myself if that was a safer way to experience same sex attraction without having to act on it.
     
  9. Barbatus

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    I think we can all worry about who we are attracted to and why (beyond the obvious issues of same-sex attraction). So for example, I tend fall for people I spend a lot of time with which are basically my friends. So then I worry that maybe I'm only friends with them because I like them, but I know that until I get to know someone I'm not that attracted to them, which I then think is weird because lots of people I know seem to hook up with complete strangers and start going out with them.

    You get my point (before that goes on much longer) - we end up comparing our attractions to what we know of other people and it is easy to think that other people are normal and we aren't. But everyone operates differently and at the end of the day we like who we like whether as friends or romantically or sexually. Its our own normal.
     
  10. waifuofino

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    Always seemed simple to me. Kids are likely to form close same-sex friendships. Gay/bi kids like the same sex. So stuff happens.

    My most intense romantic feelings were for a friend, because she gave me someone to reach out to when I needed it.

    But, if you don't like your friends, maybe you just want friendship more. Dating a friend can be a very bad idea-- maybe your subconscious knows that!

    You don't have to start out as friends to start dating. Maybe you should hit some lesbian dating apps to kickstart a romance from the get-go.
     
  11. Renegades

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    Everyone's minds work a little bit differently. Personally, I've never had a crush on my best friend, but I have had crushes on good friends. But usually the crush comes before the friendship. Usually the people I suddenly become friends with is somebody I am crushing on. Or feel like an older sibling to them. Like some of the freshmen in band.
     
  12. CoconutOilLady

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    Yes, I was wondering that too!

    And interesting question. If combined with subconsciously repressing feelings for friends, that would make a lot of sense.