My life has been collapsing the past 2 years and there is no sign of any relief anywhere, in fact it's just starting to get even worse. Lost my job 2 years ago because I had to take care of my disabled mother, unfortunately the way things are situated we have to stay with my dad (her ex husband) because he owns the house she has to stay in because there's no way we can afford to live on our own. I'm supposed to be getting paid for taking care of her but of course my greedy dad acts like barely paying for anything except a few bills (my mom uses what little she gets from social security to pay for food, multiple bills and utilities and even tries to give me money from time to time) entitles him to skimp me and barely give me anything that's owed to me. I can't do anything about it though because without him we're unable to afford to live on our own. I can't find a job, I've been applying literally non-stop a 18 months now. My anxiety is getting worse and I'm seeping further and further into depression everyday. Met a guy I'm crazy about who made me feel a whole lot better and put some confidence in me and generally made all this bearable, but is now sitting on the fence about whether he wants us to be together because he's still hung up on his piece of shit ex who he's speaking to again, who cheated on him multiple times after he took him back for the first time and I'm almost certain by now we're most likely never going to go anywhere relationship wise. I'm on the verge of being broke, stuck at home taking care of my mom daily as a care-giver, in a virtually one-sided relationship with someone I care a whole lot about, spiraling into depression and I cannot fathom a reason to wake up in the morning anymore. I break down every night and cry myself to sleep because I can't handle it, keeping away suicidal thoughts is getting harder and harder each day. On top of it all I have no one to turn to or confide in. I can't handle any of it anymore, no matter how hard I try, no matter how good of a person or selfless I am it makes no fucking difference. I'm always a door mat and always in a situation that makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Everyone says "it gets better" but these feelings have been haunting me since my early teen years and I can't seem to find any way out.
It may get better. It may not. But you won't know until you try. You didn't give up before, so why give up now? There are people who believe in you (like me. I may be hopelessly naive but I believe in you) so keep chipping away at it.(*hug*)(*hug*)
Everyone goes through storms. Some people's storms are worse than others, but you've held on this long. You cannot give up now. I understand where you are coming from. Everyone says it will get better eventually, but no one seems to understand that eventually doesn't help now. I've been in a similar situation. Sometimes for things to get better we have to make them better ourselves and it can be really hard especially when we don't want to step on toes or make anyone around us mad or upset with us. Is there anyone else who can take care of your mother? Is she your responsibility? Is it your obligation to take care of her, or is she capable of finding someone else? If there is any way you can get away from that responsibility without endangering your mother than that should be your first step. You at least need a break from that situation long enough to clear your head and focus on what you need to do to fix the problems in your life.
Well, it does in fact get better, but you don't have the stamina to wait that long. Here's my suggestion to get some help on this. Many people stress out to the limit, when acting as a caregiver for an elderly or disabled relative. There can be immense feelings of helplessness from this. If your mother is on Social Security disability, then does she have a "representative payee?" If she does not, then she is receiving the money herself. If she does have a representative, then the representative is obligated to spend 100% of the funds for her benefit. If your father is by any chance the representative payee, then he may be held accountable for any misuse of the funds. Second, there are numerous grant-funded charitable organizations that provide services for the elderly and the disabled. All of these organizations have individuals who can counsel you on available resources. One of the resources is "respite care" that can give breaks to people burdened with being an adult caregiver. If there is any organization in your area that does this, please call them or go in and see them, and ask for their advice and help. Also, you should visit the California Department of Social Services website: Adult and Elderly Facilities to learn more. You could call and ask DSS about alternative living situations for your mother, as well. Your employment situation is probably the key element of your problem right now. Without employment, it appears you are dependent on others for your support and have no money of your own. This is immensely disempowering, in a family situation like yours. You will need to devote additional effort to this and perhaps alter your strategy to find some kind of work. I'd like to know more about this, and what obstacles have stood in your way. I don't know what to do about your relationship issue. I think you are probably correct that the guy will be written off. Here again, if you can gain at least some control in other areas of your life then it may be more possible to expand your social exposure to provide some relief for this too. As it is you appear to be very close to friendless at this point. That is not a good place to be, which it's obvious you already know.
Unfortunately I know full well there is misuse of her funds, but as the situation currently is there is absolutely zero I can do about it. She refuses to go into any kind of assisted living and as things are now she prefers being taken advantage of as long as she's home. If I were to try to make an issue out of any of this I know for certain the petty person that my "father", if you could call him that, is he would leave/sell the house/whatever just to make our lives a living hell. So I am stuck in terms of that until something changes. I know if I were able to find a job a lot of my current problems would disappear, and every moment I'm not busy I'm applying to jobs. One major issue is the town I live in has hundreds (possibly thousands) more people than there are jobs available. I'm talking if somewhere like a fastfood joint out here announces it has an open position, the day of the interviews there will easily be 50+ people there trying to get a job as well. What's even more disheartening (this is what I mean by it keeps getting worse) I had an interview and was offered a job, they told me all that has to happen is the background check clear and I'm good to go. What happens? No offer for 2 weeks, I follow up, they tell me there is still no clearance. Another week and I get a letter from the place doing the background check telling me whoever submitted in the HR dept. did not fill it out properly, so I had to call and talk with them and correct the information, by the time I did so the place hiring me had told me they had to go with another candidate because my background check was taking too long. I have NEVER even heard of something like that happening, but of course it happened to me. Seems like no matter what happens, no matter what I do; the second things start looking like they're going to be okay SOMETHING happens to screw it up. I try to wake up every morning and be positive but halfway through the day ANOTHER "something" happens to just pile on more bad news.
Hi PillsHere: I can sympathize with the situation you're in. Caregiving itself is draining and can be demoralizing without all the added stress that you're experiencing from your living situation/unemployment. I have experienced some of these things myself in the last few years and it can take a toll on one's mental health. *After reading your post what stands out to me as your #1 priority is for you to get some help with your depression. Crying yourself to sleep at night and suicidal thoughts are a warning sign that things are getting worse for you from a depression point of view. I encourage you to seek help, ASAP, from a either a physician or a mental health professional.* Once your depression has lifted a bit you may find that your ability to problem-solve is strengthened and that the future doesn't look quite so bleak. In the meantime, one of the things that may help with that is doing something nurturing for yourself every day. I know from my own experience that it's easy to feel "trapped" at home when being a caregiver and that getting out for even just a walk every day can help relieve that feeling and help with depression. There are probably other things that can take you out of yourself for a little while too, such as creative pursuits, hobbies, nature, sports, etc. If you can, try and make it a priority to do at least one of these things a day. Often, when we look after other people, it's easy to forget about our own needs in the process; this can also contribute to the feeling of being trapped and depressed. Caregiving can be isolating as well. If there's any way you can link up with other people to talk or have fun, I encourage you to do so. As for your relationship, I wouldn't give up on it just yet. There is not an adult on the planet who hasn't struggled with the should I?/shouldn't I? of getting back together with an ex and hopefully your beau will reach the conclusion that he's been burned before so he's likely to be burned again with this person; sometimes it just takes either time or an obvious incident before the light bulb goes on. As well, when you are feeling less depressed you may have a different point of view on the situation, so at the very least I encourage you not to quit the relationship before you feel better. As for work, the only thing I can suggest is to keep trying. I know it's demoralizing. This is the position I find myself in as well and it can be hard to keep it up when it feels like nothing goes right. However, I think that change is the one constant in the universe and sooner or later the situation has to change...the key is not to give up before that happens. The same goes for your living situation - at some point something will change - how or why, I don't know, but what you're living with now will not last forever. If you can focus on living one day at a time (not thinking too much of the future) and making the best of each day looking after both yourself and your mom, things may not feel so overwhelming. Of course, the first priority is to take care of your depression with a physician or mental health professional. Keep writing as you need to. Big hugs. (*hug*)
