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Wondering...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mihael, Oct 19, 2016.

  1. Mihael

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    I'm a bit confused again. So probably how I feel gender-wise matches closely how binary trans people feel. I feel like I'm a completely normal guy, except for being a woman. Think rocker guy. But the thing is... I actually like being a woman. I mean, I look pretty androgynous for the moment, a lot of people stare at me trying to figure out if I'm a man or a woman, sometimes someone even asks me about it. But physically, I like being a woman. I'm not really sure if I will be androgynous like this for long. It's fun, I don't mind the staring, I like the look. To be honest with you, it has always been my beauty ideal, and I'm really happy I achieved it. Somehow, also, being a woman is a significant part of my identity, and I don't want to earase it. Not that I feel very womanly. It's just been years... And memories... And so many important moments, and things I love and find important. In the normal, human way. So by my expression, it would be "correct" to identify as non-binary, in the middle, something like that. But I don't feel in the middle. I feel... male. By that, I mean that I don't understand women, and I never did. Not in the way that a woman is supposed to understand another woman. To, sum up, I am a woman, I feel like a dude, I don't want to transition other than being androgynous/butch/tomboyish (heck, I even find -that- limiting), and coming out to a few people. Any label ideas? Nothing seems to fit. Trans male? Hm. Well. I like my body. It's not that I don't have the means to transition, or that I'm scared, I simply don't want to. Non-binary? In truth I feel like a man, and that's what the story is about. Like, how do I get out of this confusion?

    ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2016 at 02:32 PM ----------

    Cis female? Hm. Can I call myself cis female if I permanently did stuff to my body and expression to look less female? It doesn't really make sense. I figure that a lot of cis women would be uncomfortable if they were mistaken for a man as frequently as I am.
    But technically... Yeah. And somehow, I see myself as a woman, and identify with that. It's a part of me. I also don't know if one day I will not just stop the being androgynous, grow my hair out, I dunno, but it's going to be different then, I think, since by that time my relationships with others will look different, and hence, it will be easier.
     
  2. Smores

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    You can be trans without transitioning. Just because you don't transition doesn't make you not a dude if that's what you feel like. Also, gender identity and expression are different so if you choose to stay biologically a female, identify as a dude, and present androgynous. However, if you're looking for a different label that would fit better, research it. There are tons of other genders you can identify as if you so choose.
     
  3. Pistachio

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    http://youtu.be/lX3yYkkEulY
    Not saying this is exactly how you feel (and you might have seen it already ha) but I thought I'd link you to it because you might find it interesting.
    (*hug*)
     
  4. Mihael

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    Thank you for your replies. So you think... I can identify as a trans guy with all I experience? I mean, I don't want to go into someone else's way. I don't mind dating as a woman, even, as long as I can behave how I see fit. People are like... you shouldn't date as a gender you don't identify as. I agree that if you're not comfortable with yourself, it's not going to work, but otherwise...? I don't mind that I'm viewed as a woman, I am a woman after all. It doesn't really matter, as long as there is a line of understanding, so to say, with my partner, and as long as who I am is being recognised and accepted. It's not... just a word. It's the way I am, no matter if I name it or not, no matter how anyone calls it. You can see it and not be able to put a name on it, and that's what happens usually. Surprisingly, the name is quite confusing to many people.

    I've seen this video before, Pistachio, and I identify with it a lot :slight_smile:
     
  5. SystemGlitch

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    You can identify as a trans guy, yeah. Choosing not to transition doesn't make someone not trans. Being transgender is a part of who someone is and is intrinsic to them, while transitioning is the most common treatment for the discomfort/pain that usually accompanies being trans and is completely a choice - there are people all over who consider themself to be trans but choose not to transition for whatever reasons, whether it's personal, social, financial, or anything else. So yeah, if I felt how you do and had to label it, I'd probably call it "trans male who isn't transitioning".

    Just cause the majority of people wouldn't want to date as a woman if they were a man, doesn't mean that you need to feel that way. People are unique and all have different experiences of things.
     
    #5 SystemGlitch, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  6. Mihael

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    Yeah. Dysphoria. I used to get that a lot too, but it seems like I'm magically cured since I noticed it's because I "have a male brain". Dysphoria sucks.

    I don't see how transitioning could help, but that's just me and if it helps others be happier *shrugs* I could make up a million reasons why not transition, but I don't see why yes in the first place. People have such diverse situations, personalities... I can see that if someone "caught me" when I was younger and really suffered about my gender not even knowing why, if that happened, if I didn't wait for so long, then I see how in my state back then, transitioning would be a solution to my problems.

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 05:16 AM ----------

    Funny. I can't complain about people not seeing who I am. Friends kept on hinting that I'm a dude all the time... At some point some people started treating me like a dude, and I liked it better than being treated like a girl (annoying, very annoying), which is what made me think that maybe I'm not agender like I thought before but trans... So I can't really complain about that. It kind of explained a lot.

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 05:16 AM ----------

    Like about my dating in general
     
  7. SystemGlitch

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    For me, I cannot stand the idea of continuing to exist and be seen as female. I'd rather kill myself. Since I've been living as male and had people treat me as male and refer to me as male, a fair amount of my discomfort has gone away. People are seeing me how I see myself, and to me, that is extremely important. That's why transitioning is a definite yes for me, and how it helps me. It means I'm actually able to live instead of being a dead empty shell of a human being. But, like you said:
    So while transitioning might be an ideal path for some people, or the ONLY path for others, for some people it isn't even on the table. And that's fine.
     
    #7 SystemGlitch, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  8. Mihael

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    I get where you're coming from. It sounds somewhat familiar. I used to feel like that too, but being more out to people helped with it. I think... I'm fairly out of the closet right now. The "empty shell" feeling is downright creepy, not to mention depressing. You know what I did a couple of times? I touched the mirror in disbelief, because somewhere in my head it didn't compile that it's me, it felt so suspicious that I watched it closely to find the reason why but I couldn't. My imagination is super creative, so what comes to my mind recently is that I touched the mirror and under my touch it broke in a spiderweb pattern centred at the hand. I don't really know what it's supposed to mean. But a phrase "break free" comes to my mind.
     
  9. Mihael

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    I don't want to make another topic on basically the same with some modification. I hope this post won't be long, but it can.

    I've been thinking about bisexuality recently, and, I am attracted to men and women in different ways, which is very confusing. I think that with gender it can be similar, that you identify with men and women, or as a woman and a woman, in different ways. Also, something that I very much understand, because I identified this way, or maybe even was this way for a long time is the "mostly straight" thing. It means that you have a preference, but keep an open mind, so to say (not implying that it is anything more than a comparison), and are attracted to traits that are gender-specific, not to the gender itself. Same goes for someone who would be "mostly gay". And I think... this is the case for me with gender. In a way. If gender had Kinsey scale with 0 completely cis and 6 completely trans, I would be a 4/5, or something like this. With a minority lean, but still flexible.

    Sorry if I nag you or something, but writing and getting it out of my head helps to organise thoughts, and also, I find it helpful to read others' scribblings too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Two-spirit, right? No, it's a tribal role. Although I find the way it's done there a cool solution. I wish we had something along those lines, because I could express my identity in a way I would like. I think this constant confusion I face is an internal tension. I don't really know how to remove it. I'm on the other side. There is probably no good way for me to express myself so that I woldn't feel this tension. If you have any ideas you're welcome to share them , maybe you could come up with something I didn't come across yet. I already looked into a lot of things.

    I know I can't do anything to my body. I feel like I don't have the right, the problem doesn't lie there, I wouldn't gain anything, and would possibly lose health, fertility, and a lot of nerve, which, considering my temperamental nature, is a no good perspective. I don't like the effects of hormones and surgeries either. It's not that I wish for that sort of body per say. If I already had one, I would feel like about this one.

    So I looked into other ways of doing it. The butch-femme thing interested me for a while, and I even tried dressing plain dudely, but it doesn't work for me. I have the wrong face for manly haircuts, the clothes don't fit me, and if they do, I look so without spirit... I don't feel like myself, and don't look like myself. I'm not a reserved person, and this is the impression left. I may not like it when someone gets too close to me physically, and might not be meek&mild , but I'm quite emotional. So I gave up on this. Some stuff stays. But a lot goes away. No more loose, dull clothes. Moreover, I can't really stand it visually. No. My sense of aesthetics hurts. I'm not suggesting everyone looks bad in this style, it's just that I look bad in it. Also, it didn't make me pass either. I moved to dressing in a more androgynous manner. And even femininely, because it looks pretty. Surprisingly, that makes me pass somewhat (the androgyny, not the skirts). Just full-fledged masculinity isn't for me. I think that if I was born male, I would experiment with androgyny. I wouldn't be devoid of sense of style, still.

    But it is a very visible thing, my style preferences, and it reads as feminine. Name changes are nearly impossible, and I don't want to make fuss that nobody would understand (like pronouns and being out&proud). So... I guess I'm stuck. I have no way to communicate my identity or to express myself.
     
    #9 Mihael, Oct 21, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016