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Out for almost a year and still in limbo

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lemongrass, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. Lemongrass

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    Hi all. I brought this up in a couple posts, but I came out as bisexual to my opposite sex partner last winter. It was good to get it out, and we had some good discussions. Partly due to other reasons, it went on the back burner for about six months, but the feelings have returned in the past month with a vengeance.

    She doesn't like the idea of an open relationship, so my options for exploration are very limited. I sometimes wonder if I'm simply more into the idea of being the receiver versus the giver, which is a different subject than gender attraction. She is open to the idea of pegging me, but I didn't get the impression she would enjoy it all that much herself. So that kind of makes me not be able to enjoy it.

    That being said, all my fantasies at this point involve being the receiver with men. I sometimes think they are simply the result of unfulfilled wishes, but then also think they actually could be a sign of my true orientation. To date I have no actual same-sex crushes, which just adds to the confusion.

    So in short, I alternate between believing I'm a same-sex attraction fake, and other times think I'm in denial of my true feelings. Have brought up the subject with my therapist, but still the thoughts go round and round. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
     
  2. DAFriend

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    Maybe she can do a bit of roleplay with you.

    You be a drag queen for the evening and she a drag king, do the makeup, the hair, clothes, all of it. It might be easier for her to get her head around it if she is role playing as a man and, you as a woman.

    Don't ask her to go all the way the first time, just let her get used to the idea of switching roles for the evening. Work up to what you want. She might be able to get her mind into it better that way.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Hi Lemongrass,

    Welcome back to EC. I wasn't here when you were posting in January and February, so I didn't know you until now. I've looked at your postings here, and I'm sorry to see that you still feel stuck in limbo.

    I think that fantasies are good indicators of one's sexuality, but I understand the suspicion that maybe they're just fantasies and that you won't like it in real life. Hard to justify making major life changes on a what if. I'm not sure that anything but the real thing can give you the knowledge and reassurance you seek that you really are bisexual.

    From your post here, I would have said that a desire to be penetrated needn't necessarily be considered a desire for same-sex, but in looking at your post history I see that you have more than just a desire for prostate stimulation.

    You said in January:
    Are your fantasies still increasingly romantic as you said in January, or was there a retreat back to just the physical and faceless?

    When you came out to your wife, did she say that she would oppose an open marriage?

    I'm not suggesting that you have to divorce your wife, or cheat on her, but I can certainly see why you're in limbo. Denying your feelings doesn't seem to work in the long run. Those feelings aren't going to go away, and they will just keep resurfacing.

    I was lucky in my coming out because I already knew for sure that I'm gay and didn't need to question myself on my desires and attraction. The reason for that is because I had already had sex with guys. Sometimes there's just no substitute for experience.

    I don't know if this helps you at all, but I do wish you well. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. Lemongrass

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    Hi DAFriend. Thanks, that's a great idea. Definitely think some kind of smooth transition like that might help her, as opposed to doing something that is totally alien to her.


    Hi Imgay47. Yes there is definitely an element of romance to them. Though I have noticed even in the less sexual dreams, I am in the more passive role. For instance being led in a dance, or wrapped in his arms. And then I also wonder if I am trying to add the softer touch to my fantasies so they don't seem so base. Yep, I suffer from the Paralysis of Analysis. :confused:

    Regarding open marriage, she at first brought it up, but then later said she just wouldn't be able to do it.
     
  5. hrcbho1

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    Dear Lemongrass,

    Hi! So, I am a bi male in my early 30s, married to a straight woman, and I saw a lot of similarities with what you are going through. I often fantasize about being with guys in the exact same way as you; I'm the receiver, but it's a softer touch kind of way, where the guy is gentle and I slowly give in to his embrace. I also, though, don't find that many guys attractive, although there is a certain type that I do like. For a long time, since I would often see and meet women that I found attractive on a regular basis, I thought like you did, maybe I just had some vague fantasy that wasn't real. But then, I when I would see a guy I thought was attractive, I wondered if I was just denying that I was gay. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the concept of being bi. The best quote I found about it said something like, "being bi means you are attracted to both genders, not necessarily to the same degree and not necessarily in the same way." Once I read that, it was like a light that went off, and it made perfect sense. So, for me personally, I've come to fully accept that I'm bi, that I find women attractive, and that I sometimes find men attractive, and there are aspects about being with each that are both appealing to me.

    After I thought about it, I realized I don't notice or question when I think about or notice a hot woman (which is often), but I focus more on what it means when I have thoughts about men. This is probably because I was so confused for a long time about my sexuality. So, I hope this helps in some small way with what you are feeling...and I know about the Paralysis of Analysis, that is why I came on this site to try to talk to others who might be going through a similar situation.
     
  6. Lemongrass

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    Hi hrc! Thanks for responding. Yes, this definitely resonates with me. And it seems like the attraction can vary from month to month, or even day to day, at least for me. The past year for me has tilted on the same sex side, with a large chunk of time that would be almost asexual.

    Once again very true for me as well. I've been conditioned to accept that opposite sex thoughts are "normal," so when one arises I probably don't even consciously give it much thought. As opposed to same-sex thoughts, where I spend more time trying to figure them out, instead of just letting them be.
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hey Lemongrass

    For awhile after I came out to my wife we decided that I should remain monogamous, but develop platonic gay friendships, attend pride events, even go to gay bars and a gay camping trip. I found this fulfilling and educational. I needed to develop a bit of comfort with the idea that being a bisexual meant that I am gay too. That it was a part of me and not something I could take down once in awhile when I felt like it and then put it away. I had treated it that way since I was a kid...bisexual when I felt like it.

    After I became comfortable with an open expression of my sexuality, my wife became more comfortable with my expressions of it too. Even though from day one she was very accepting. We started to do things like guy watch together, attend gay events together and meet my gay friends together. We also tried to integrate gay into our sex play. More about her describing a hot guy and then me describing what I would do. This never worked for us. It would be fun, but what I really wanted to do was love her not some dude.

    After a couple months, she became comfortable with my gay side and began to realize it had nothing to do with her. At that point, everything changed and it became a practical discussion on how I could have a gay sex life and how it could be integrated into the marriage with minimal disruption.

    Having been with several men, I am finding that my lust for men was, to some extent, a curiosity. I am only really attracted to a very particular type of guy. The rest of mankind is completely uninteresting. So, I can see how the attractions could come and go and one could start second guessing. I just happened to move to a town where the type of guy I like are abundant so it had me pretty fired up and forced me to really accept my sexuality.
     
  8. nbd

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    Hi Nick,

    I relate very strongly to this. Since coming out to my husband as, at the very least, bisexual, we've tried to incorporate thoughts of women into our sex life. Like in your situation, it's not working. I want to keep the two separate. My sex and intimacy with him is something I hold very dear, and I don't like the idea of pretending to be with someone else when I'm with him. Sure, we've roleplayed, but always in a way where it could arguably be a version of ourselves. I know that kind of play works for other couples, but it hasn't worked for us in the 15 yrs of our relationship.

    He wants to be a part of my integration into the LGBT community, but I'm feeling hesitant. Like that's mine, something separate from him. He's my love, my husband, father of my children, soulmate. I'm looking for expression of a different side of myself with someone else, and I don't know how to reconcile the two.

    To the original poster, lemongrass - I hope you are able to find ways to express your true self within your current relationship. I certainly relate to the feeling of spinning your wheels and nothing changing. Have you sought therapy together? Is there a professional in your community with whom you can discuss open/poly relationships?

    As for your attraction shifting from day to day, I experience the same thing, mainly finding myself less concerned with sexuality when I'm busy. Like anyone else, life gets in the way of thinking about intimacy. I think as you've realized, though, the attraction doesn't really go away, it just gets shifted down the priority scale at times.
     
  9. Lemongrass

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    Hi Nickw. I'm impressed at how both you and your wife have approached this. It sounds like you took it head on but sensibly at the same time. I work from home, and it's been far too easy to just not go out, even if to make a friend or two. As a result I tend to be in self-imposed isolation. You have inspired me to try to get out my box...It would be great to have a platonic same-sex friend who I could confide in, might make that a goal. Also like the idea of going to pride events...gay bars might take a little more confidence, both for me and my partner. I do hope we can get more comfortable with the idea, it really sounds like it has worked out for you!

    ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2016 at 01:01 PM ----------

    Hi nbd. We both have been in therapy, she has stopped for now while I still am seeing one. But we haven't seen a therapist together...it might be worth it, because I have the hardest time expressing feelings like this to her. Having a therapist to facilitate might help smooth things out.

    And yes life can get in the way of these things. Summers can get hot down here, and being holed up inside for months makes me depressed, and sometimes not want intimacy at all. At the moment, I'm having the opposite problem: I'm supposed to be busy, but the same-sex attraction voice wants to be heard right now! :dry:
     
  10. Adray

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    Hi Lemongrass,

    I'm a bi guy, too.

    I like the definition hrcbho1 put in one of the posts above. I think the original quote is from bi activist Robin Ochs: "DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."

    If you identify as bisexual, you are a valid bisexual, don't let anyone tell you differently. I know there can be questioning if your history doesn't match your orientation perfectly. In my case, I've had a crush on exactly one guy, but lots of attraction to various men, minimal flirtation, and some physical contact but not full on sex. Still bisexual, though.

    TMI warning for next (one) paragraph...

    My same-sex attraction has some commonalities with yours. Being the "bottom" or receiver, turns me on. You mentioned that your wife might be willing to try pegging. My wife and I have done that, and I love it. I did it with the LTR girlfriend I had before my wife, too. It is an amazing experience, it can really be awesome. I'd recommend looking into it as an option some more. It took my wife some time to get into it (she was initially hesitant - she was afraid she might hurt me physically), but now she sometimes actually brings it up and wants to do it for the fun of it. When done right, it's an amazing stress reliever for me, too. She takes control. It's amazingly satisfying. If you do decide to pursue pegging, definitely take care to look out for her concerns and interests. As a contrast, the LTR girlfriend from 20 years ago got into the idea immediately, and she dominated me like a champ, LOL. Sorry if this is TMI. A couple of last thoughts... use LOTS of lube and start small. Also, I haven't done any roleplay with dressing up, but if that helps, definitely go for it. And most of the pegging porn out there is not really useful, at least for me and my wife. There are some movies and tutorials that are useful, though. I'm not into the "punishment" or BDSM angle (but god bless if you or anyone is) - I just like a good loving pegging with kissing and a good physical workout, so to speak.

    Sorry about the TMI paragraph above, hopefully I didn't cross any EC boundaries.

    The larger point is that pegging can be a satisfying experience for a bi guy in an opposite-sex marriage. My wife is happy to go any direction fantasy takes us in the bedroom, but we are both into monogamy, so it stays between us only. Some bisexuals value polyamory, and that's great, I don't want to come off as critical of that. That can be great for a lot of people. But it's monogamy by choice for us.

    Also, my wife and I do some of the "checking out" of hot guys that Nick mentioned, too. It's fun, and it's one of the things that helps me feel bisexual in our marriage. The little things can make a big difference. I don't know if your wife would be open to getting to that kind of point, but it's another thing that's working well for me and my wife.

    Take your time, but keep forward progress going. Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  11. Lemongrass

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    Hi Adray. Definitely appreciate the advice and personally don't find it TMI at all. I must admit I'm probably as hesitant as my partner is, because it's basically taking us out of our comfort zones and leaving the roles we have come to accept in this relationship, even if the role I play is not who I necessarily am. I like what you mentioned about feeling bisexual in your marriage...sometimes I feel I am playing a pure heterosexual role, and would love to shake loose of that.