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Out but doubting a lot

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Iliricon, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. Iliricon

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    Hi people,

    It's been five months now for me, since really starting the whole "coming out" process. I hit a depression this summer, mostly because I did not know where I was going with my life and because I was still single at 21. This caused me to revisit past feelings (I had come out to myself as "at least bi"/"not straight" a couple of years ago) and I figured I needed to take a leap of faith and came out to mostly everybody who wanted to know.

    Since then I had sex with two guys, both friends of mine from college, and it was a good experience (although, as a wise friend said: don't fret it, bad sex happens).

    My attraction to girls was never really high (I would even say nonexistent sometimes) but I was very frequently attracted to guys. I had one girl I was absolutely infatuated with in high school, but I was never really ready to let this proceed to a sexual/romantic level (although she was very much ready for that). I basically friendzoned her. My brother still calls me "the only guy to have ever friendzoned a girl". After coming out to him, he said "This makes so much more sense now".

    I now even have a boyfriend, which kind of happened by accident, he is a very nice, cute guy and I love kissing him, cuddling him and I'm always in the mood for sex when he is around. We developed our physical relationship pretty fast, too fast I would say now, but after some soul searching, a failed breakup attempt, and a lot of tears we are now in it for the long run.

    My problem is, that I, for some stupid reason, still feel like I'm faking the whole gay thing. I read as completely "masculine", so much that my best friend thought I was making a joke when I came out, and this perceived straightness is causing me a lot of anxiety, because I don't feel gay enough. I'm acting "gayer" now already, mostly because I feel that I can and it's a lot of fun, but it feels like playacting.

    It also took a long time for me to come out and I get a lot of weird looks from LGBT friends because of that. Most of them figured out their sexuality pretty early without a doubt, and I'm still questioning at 21.

    Also, I can't get it out of my head that I feel something for girls, and that that means I can't honestly be with a guy. I'm rarely able to masturbate thinking of girls, straight or lesbian porn mostly bores me and I do not find a lot of girls attractive, but every time I interact closely with a girl, I cannot get the questions out of my head. This makes life with my female roommate very awkward now. Also I hate that some of my old female friends decided to drop all physical barriers towards me, because I'm "safe". But still, because they did this, I kind of feel even more sure I'm gay, because cuddling with them makes me feel almost nothing sexual. Still, the societal expectation that cuddling with the other gender is sexual still holds very strong in me.

    So, my question is not: What is my sexuality? I figured I'm mostly gay with some straight edges (Kinsey 4/5) and I like being gay very much, I even wish I could be 100% gay. My environment is 95% supportive, even my family was ok with it after some doubts. My question is: How can I quiet all these useless questions and how do I gain some measure of clarity and control. I don't hate being bi/gay, I hate not understanding myself.
     
  2. Iliricon

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    One last thing: I feel, act and think super gay when I'm drunk, and thats why I drink a little bit too much currently. I need to stop this soon!
     
  3. BlueBanana

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    I'm in the same boat as you here. This is how I feel currently. What I think we're going through is simply the denial faze of coming out to yourself. Just think, do you get a boner from dudes? Or what about girls. If you say just dudes, then you're gay. You can't fake sexual attraction. If you could, I'm pretty sure all homosexuals would be straight. However for the wanting to be gay, I don't have an answer for that. That's exactly how I feel and I'm not sure why we feel that way. I used to think it's because I like being different or not normal compared to other people, but I'm just not sure.
     
  4. salad

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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First off, you don't have to fit the stereotypical characteristics of a gay person. Your attraction doesn't define how masculine you are. There are a lot of masculine gay men out there (two of my friends happen to be like this actually!). You don't have to feel confined to your label. You can be gay and still find some girls attractive. It's not easy to stick to an orientation and live by it completely. I would even say it's hard for some people. From what I can tell, your sexuality is still valid. Almost all of my LGBT friends are just like you actually, haha. They understand that they don't have to fit their label entirely, because that's almost unrealistic. In my opinion, you are still 100% gay. You can still feel some attractions to the opposite gender, since that's what your environment has been for all your life (for the most part). Since you are romantically and sexually attracted to guys and you don't seem to feel the same way about girls, you're gay. It's normal to be like this. I was actually surprised to hear about how your LGBT friends reacted to your coming out experience. It's not common for people to be so certain and firm about who they are in the community. Don't ever feel like you're not "gay" enough because you're more masculine. You're not playacting anything if you're just being yourself. As long as you're not 'being gay enough' to make other people happy, then you're fine. If you changed and this is how you naturally are, then that's okay too.

    As for the drinking: please take care of yourself. I would suggest talking about your insecurities and your drinking dilemma with your boyfriend so that he can be there for you. If it's really bad, I recommend going to a therapy session. You don't need to feel, act, and think in a 'gay' way to be gay. When stereotypical gay men act in the way you are suggesting, they are doing it because it's who they are in their personality. It doesn't make them gayer than you. It just means their personality is different from yours, and that's alright! If you're acting gay because it's fun, no one can stop you from doing that. It's not faking or pretending at all, believe me I do the same thing. Now that I think about it, I feel that when gay men 'act gay', it's for the same reason. It's just nice to have fun. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't drink to feel valid.

    This was a lot to type! I just know what you're going through right now, so I felt like I needed to say a lot haha. I hope I was helpful!

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. Gay Deputy

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    ^ agreed 100% and couldn't have said it any better. You don't have to fit a stereotype to be gay. My best friend says I'm the straightest queer he's ever met (he's gay also). We all have our own personalities which makes us great. Embrace yours and be you! That's what others are attracted to. I've always said, "I live my life as a dude who happens to like other dudes...not as a gay man." I'm not sure if that makes sense to you but it's how I've always felt.
     
  6. Iliricon

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    Thanks to all of you. I suspect all this questioning and stuff is also this bad because there are a couple of things not really going well in my life and my mind just uses everything it can to distract itself.

    I talked with my mom, a friend from college and my boyfriend, and we all agreed that I should see a councilor, so I'm going to do that. This is all just so frustrating. I used to be a very upbeat, easy going guy, but since March I feel like everything is slipping out of control. I just want some normality back in my life and some motivation.

    As for the drinking: I'm getting better at keeping it under control. Went out the last couple of nights and only drank a little (no hangover). So a small victory for me :grin:

    You really helped, by just being affirmative, thanks... I feel like I still need to talk about all this a lot more, even though it is now basically the only thing I talk about :-/ But I really only process things by talking or writing about them.
     
  7. Gay Deputy

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    You'll get thru it brother! We've all been in your shoes! Chin up, charge on! I'm happy to hear you'll be getting some help thru it! Go into it willingly and openly...you'll be surprised by what you learn. You'll come out on the other side a stronger man for it! We're always here also!
     
  8. lonewolf79

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    Some people
    I was once told that I am the most un-homosexual homosexual that this guy ever met (He was also a teacher I knew in Korea)... and he said this because I didn't fit any stereotypes he was used to...
    Just be you and enjoy being you. And EC is a great place for support and people to talk to :slight_smile: