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Which Way to Jump?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Des Functional, Jan 16, 2017.

  1. Des Functional

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So, I made a few entries to EC a while ago and my life has moved on, along with my memory of my old EC forum name! But, I feel like I'm stuck in no-man's land and would value some advice/ support.
    To recap my story: I'm a fifty year old guy with 3 kids. I guess I've always been bi but with a much stronger preference towards men sexually, albeit not romantically. Never came out to family but out to some friends at college etc.Met my wife at 25. She became my best friend, then lover, then wife when we were both 30 years of age.3 kids followed in my early thirties. One of the kids is severely disabled with epilepsy & severe autism. Wife had early menopause at 40. Sex stopped (although I didn't make much effort to do anything about it!). Next ten years were increasingly busy at work, sexless (I didn't cheat) and this coupled with severe bouts of migraine eventually leading to depression and therapy. Finally, in late 2015 the penny dropped. I was gay, unhappy, stuck in a dysfunctional marriage and unless I did something about it, I would never feel better.
    So, I threw myself in action: I got fit, lost weight, started to take some pride in my appearance, scaled back work and told my wife I was gay.

    End of story, you might think & time to move on.

    But, but, my wife said: 'no, you're not, you're bi' (she knew I was bisexual when we first met) and 'there's no reason to end this marriage as long as you don't cheat.'
    So then, what to do?: A life of no sex but a convenient 'straight' lifestyle. Or do I blow up the whole family unit and move on.
    I took the 'nuclear' option - I moved out and got myself a flat nearby the family after explaining to my sons I wouldn't live in the family home anymore but I didn't come out to them (mistake no. 1).
    At the time this was happening it became increasingly apparent my disabled child was going to need a residential home. She was becoming increasingly violent and agitated and could not cope in the family home.

    After I moved out: I had 2 blissful months - I dated, had sex with men(!) and felt desired for the first time in a decade. I felt I was a person again rather than a paycheck and maintenance man.

    But reality intruded whilst I was living the life of Riley. The family disintegrated: My eldest son tried to kill himself, my other son heard voices telling him to self harm, my wife emotionally disintegrated and my disabled daughter went totally out of control and trashed the house.

    I realised I was the glue that had in large part held them all together and without me being involved enough this was all my fault. I had to re-engage and be the father I should be, the husband (still, I had to be) and sublimate my own needs again for a while. I didn't give up my 'gay' lifestyle entirely: I kept my apartment, I kept seeing a really sweet guy I had met about once a week but the rest of the time was taken up with putting my family back together. I spent most of my time with the kids and wife when not at work, only going back to sleep in my flat most of the time.

    Gradually, they've mostly healed. My oldest son is now at University & is happy. My other son is happier and doing better at school. My daughter has a place at a residential school. But my wife still thinks I'm going to come back 'one day' and we'll live happily ever after. She's needy, dependent and depressed. But I still really care about her, maybe even love her still, as much as I resent her. I have no idea why she wants to stay with a gay man in a sexless marriage and, of course, we never talk about my sexuality. Meanwhile, my gay 'friend' is really a boyfriend eight months on and is making plans for us being together in the future. I've told my oldest son that I'm bisexual (not gay) but the not the other son. I haven't told anyone else apart from my therapist. I know I need to do this but I always thought I would do this when the marriage ended.

    Meanwhile, I'm too scared to really end the marriage (I'm terrified of what it will do to the kids and my wife after the effects of moving out of the family home last year) as well as too cowardly in myself. I really care about my bf but I don't love him and I'm too weak to end my only source of love, caring & comfort. So, here I am in no-man's land, too frightened of jumping one way or other. Some might say, you're cheating, you're having your cake and eating it but for me it feels like I'm still living a lie, still stuck, despite my efforts to move on.

    Does it have to be so difficult?
     
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

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    Out to everyone
    Hi Des functional, I've been wanting to write on your post for some time but have been trying to think about what kind of advice I might give. It sounds like you have a really difficult set of issues you're dealing with. At the core of it, I think everyone in your life will benefit ultimately from you being more true to yourself. But I understand your family depends on you emotionally. Is there someone who can provide support to your wife and kids when you're not in the home? Would it perhaps be a change they can manage if you make the full separation as gradual as possible?

    I can feel your frustration and struggle in your post. And I know what it's like living in the closet, and having to think about your family's needs in this process, so I can imagine how tough this must be.

    I hope this helps a bit.