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Staying in the Closet for Trump?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alainbeaux, Jan 22, 2017.

  1. alainbeaux

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    Hi Everyone,

    So, as high as my hopes were for coming out this year, I'm beginning to wonder if the closet isn't where I'll spend the rest of my life. I'll be 27 in February and I've never told anyone about my sexuality and I'm a virgin. Now that Trump is in office (and both my parents voted for him) I'm beginning to wonder if I should just stay closeted until he isn't president anymore, because it looks like he's not going to be very open to the gay community. What's the point if now our government will be less gay friendly? Maybe it's best if I just stay where I am. I feel like I've gotten so used to not expressing any of my romantic or sexual desires that it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not sure if my peers just assume I'm straight or if I come off as somewhat asexual, frankly I'm beginning not to care. For all I know at this point I'll remain closeted until the day I die. I've become so used to keeping my desires a secret that anything else feels abnormal. In a strange way, I even like keeping this part myself a secret. Perhaps the worst part about all this is that (and I'm ashamed to admit this to you guys) I'm actually hoping Trump is less LGBT accepting because it will make me feel better about staying in the closet. There, I said it, I know it's terrible. As much as I look up to my gay peers I can't help but resent them because they're so open and comfortable with themselves while I'm here quietly suffering with self loathing beneath my smiling exterior. Anyway, I just had to unburden myself of these feelings.

    How are you other closet cases trying to cope with Trump's presidency?
     
  2. BMC77

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    I'm still trying to figure out how to cope...

    I'm still in the closet, and am giving serious thought to just staying in the closet for good.
     
  3. AlecF

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    You should only come out when you are ready. Do not let anyone dictate your happiness (President be damned) life is too short to remain unhappy. I came out last week to my parents and it was the worst possible reaction. Kicked me out but I no longer have to hide. Staying hidden because of the current adminstration gives fear and hate a win, a BIG WIN, DO NOT let them win. Be yourself, it's better than living with self doubt and what if's the rest of your life. For example, I recently went to the gay club in milwaukee (not a fan of clubs in general) but I went with my best friend. We started mingling about and I asked this gorgeous boy, if he wanted to grab a bite to eat today. He said yes, So now I have the first date of my life as a 26 year old gay man with another 25 year old gay man. That would have never happened if I stayed in the closet to appease my parents. There is someone out there looking for someone just like you! I am not the flamboyant gay type, more the skater type. We have lived through worst times much worse times as a community, Trump is a comma in LGBTQ's page, we are still speaking and our rights will be defended!
     
  4. Isaacsolomon

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    Alainbeaux, I think what you said was pretty brave. Here's what I think.

    AlecF is right - you should only come out when you are ready. There is no 'right or wrong' time, and coming out happens over the course of years, even a lifetime. I assume you mean to those closest to you, though. When you say 'self-loathing' do you loathe yourself, or is it fear? This is completely normal, I remember feeling afraid of lots of different things, while feeling stupid for feeling that way, yet I did not admit it out loud as openly or as honestly as you did. That may seem small, but it's really commendable, and I'm glad you did.

    I also can relate to resenting other gays who seem more open and relaxed, while at the same time admiring them - I've felt this way. I can't tell you when I stopped that, exactly. I think I felt 'in competition' for a while - who came out first, who goes to more gay events, etc. These things were in my head. At gay events, and in the non-gay world, too, people do not discuss their fears and vulnerabilities with others, even with their close friends; they prefer to look happy-go-lucky and together, so I felt the need to project this image of myself, too. Yet they do have vulnerabilities and worries, and I would say no gay person cannot relate in some way to your worries, it's just you don't hear them talking about it. One of the things I personally like about this website is that people do talk about their worries and problems openly, like you and others here have done, and there's no pretending to feel anything you don't. As an introvert, I appreciate this more than casual conversation. Take heart from the fact that you are not alone, and believe me when I say that anybody who judges you for feeling scared or self-loathing has no empathy and has problems of their own they need to work on. Keep being honest with yourself about your feelings, and talk about them where it helps, like here, for example. And try to have a good day.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    I'm out to family and close friends, but I don't think I'll be out to new people I meet. It's getting kind of risky. So sorry you're dealing with this.
     
  6. YermanTom

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    I understand where you are coming from, I grew up in the a country that was a da facto theocracy (60's Ireland). Take heart things will change.
    The women's march yesterday was not just about women, it was about respecting everybody. Things will change. The inexorable advance in LGBT rights has just had a small setback, we'll get over it.
    As yesterdays march showed women will not go quietly back into the kitchen.
    Neither will the 'gays' go quietly back into the closet.

    For yourself and 'coming out' only do what is right for you.
     
  7. I'm gay

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    Hi alainbeaux,

    I was suffering from the same self-loathing you are when I was 27 years old. I knew I was gay, and I just couldn't accept that. And I was facing the society that existed in 1997. What did I do about it? I hid in the closet, buried my sexuality, and married a woman like the dutiful son I thought I was supposed to be.

    I thought I was going to take my secret to the grave with me. How wrong I was.

    I honestly believe that the longer you wait to come out and be your true self, the more regrets over lost time you will have when you do. Don't worry about Trump. His presidency isn't going to change a thing about my gay life, nor will it have any appreciable impact on yours.

    You are still plenty young enough to have a rich and rewarding life as a gay man, complete with the opportunity for finding love and marriage if that's what you desire. But you won't be able to do it while you hide.

    Please read this quote from Harvey Milk:
    I have now lived this quote. And it's so true in every way.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  8. BrookeVL

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    I think you should come out, when you're ready.

    Personally, I REFUSE to let the current administration and it's supporters discourage me from coming out. I will come out and begin my transition soon. Staying a man will literally kill me, and I won't do it.

    That being said, I will probably be more selective in who I tell, especially people who don't need to know.
     
  9. KyleD

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    Don´t you have at least one good friend, relative or sibling you can tell who you know will be accepting of your sexuality? It is crucial to choose the first person you tell very wisely and it can be a very traumatic experience.
     
    #9 KyleD, Jan 22, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2017