Hi everyone. In my 20s there was a bully in university who would call me 'gay', lame, stupid, all kinds of insults. Him and a group of others would talk behind my back all the time. I have always had low self-esteem, low self-confidence, depression, anxiety etc. One time I snapped and called this bully a 'faggot' in front of others, because I had enough of being put down. In all honesty, at the time, I didn't know the true meaning of the word, I always, for some reason, thought it meant a stupid, mean person, and not in any way a term related to someones's sexuality. I know, that is ignorant of me in a way, to use a word I didn't know the true meaning of. And ironically, I was calling that person by a similar name that him and others were calling me by (gay). I am not homosexual, so the reason they were calling me that was to be mean and demeaning, like I am weak, not manly enough etc. I always hated that word being used in that context, because I felt it was inappropriate for the obvious reasons. Once I learned the true meaning of the word 'faggot', I have felt so guilty for saying that, simply for using that word, because that person is not actually homosexual, but also because it's such a bad word to use. I feel so guilty because I would never say that to anyone, regardless of their orientation. I respect the LGBTQ community, and think of anyone the same way I think of any other human being, as being a good person of equal worth in the world. The reason I write this here is because I don't have any close friends from the LGBTQ community, who I can talk with about this. This post is not even a question, more like something I wanted to get off my mind and say in a forum that. I hope you understand, and thank you for reading.
You used it one time? Pffft. Don't worry about it, really. You're older now and know better, so who cares? Honestly I refer to myself as a faggot sometimes as a joke, and me and my friends jokingly call each other faggots. It's different from using it as an insult, but honestly, I doubt that guy even remembers. Seriously, it's all good.
It was one time and you were really heated at the time you used it. You aren't a bad person. The actual homophobes who use the word tend to use it at least somewhat often and always in an incredibly derogatory manner. You've only said the word once and without knowing the meaning and you obviously feel incredibly guilty and remorseful for it, both of which are the opposite of an actual homophobe. Again, you are by no means a bad person for one small slip of the tongue. You are not homophobic in anyway. There's no need for you to feel guilty anymore, everything is alright.
Thank you all, your messages have lifted a big weight off my chest. Yes, I only used it once, and I never talk poorly about anyone from the LGBTQ community. If anything, I actually admire them for being who they are. Part of why I felt guilty is because the people who were talking behind my back and calling me 'gay' and such, including the bully, were homophobes. And so when I learned what that word meant, I felt like I was one of them, and that idea in itself made me feel physically ill, because I despise that kind of behavior. Thank you again.
Oh, we have a confession! You shall be hanged at dawn tomorrow! Although, seriously; you have overblown guilt and it's counterproductive For example, during heated arguments people might say mean things. Then they apologize and move on. It's only human to make mistakes For the record, IF you often feel guilty, then it might be a sign of a deeper problem I'm sorry you were picked on. I despise such petty behaviour. You deserve much better Anyway, please forgive yourself (*hug*)
Well, I do often feel guilty about many things from the past, especially those from a previous relationship that ended, but also about other things I have said where I just didn't mean to say anything rude, but somehow it came out wrong. Some days I feel so guilty I cannot carry on with my daily activities and work. It's due to depression and anxiety I have had for more than a decade. I despise that kind of behavior too. The place where I worked at in university as a student was very closed-minded. People there often made homophobic and misogynistic remarks. You are putting on a jacket because it's cold outside? You are 'gay'. You don't look muscular enough? You are 'gay'. Are you too shy and easy going? Yup, 'gay'. Anything they could say to mask their insecurities, they would use that word. One time I was told all I know what to do is dress 'gay'. That made me smile and roll my eyes on the inside, because little do they know that was actually working against them. Were they kidding me? If that's the case, then I dress well, and they should learn some style from gay people lol! If anyone knows, gay people and black people have some of the best taste in clothes. At least I think so. Sadly, being in that environment, combined with my low self-esteem etc. (not that it has to be an excuse), I have used the term 'gay' also, though rarely, and always with close friends, though I'd always catch myself and say that's not the right term to use, and I would explain what I meant. I'll always root for the LGBT community .
I don't speak for all of us gays when I say this, but for me, I forgive you. You said it one time in a heat-of-the-moment situation, and you clearly stated you respect our community.