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Stuff.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Natasha Elyssa, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. Natasha Elyssa

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    So, like, same old same old. Life's pretty boring right now. I have plenty of things to do, and that I could be doing, but it feels like I have nothing to do. I just don't have the desire to do anything, there really doesn't seem to be anything worth doing right now. I'm bored, plain and simple, like the kids in the Cat in The Hat. Plus , I'm definitely not doing well this marking period in school, there hasn't been a lot of work and I haven't been doing much of it and haven't been participating. I usually rely on homework and projects and other stuff that I can do myself, but there hasn't been much of it. On top of that, I've missed a few days of school (being sick) and I haven't really been to my 1st period class as I get to school too late. It's bad, but not really. It's a problem but I'm not too freaked out about it. School doesn't excite me. I'm just like "oh well" you know?

    And besides school and feeling bored, I still have the same problems I've always had. Feeling lonely, sad, and basically everything I've complained about in the past. Still got the same problems with my family, except they're all I have so I'm basically stuck with then. That's why they think I can never survive on my own, they think that they're all in have on life and can never make it without them. I admit it would be hard, but I would adjust after a while. It would sting to not have them there anymore, or my surroundings (basically everything I've come to know and "love"), however I would move on and I can survive without them. I guess the key to survival would be to make some new friends and get a job or something, but whatever. I also still long to have a girlfriend or some type of lover or close friend who's basically completely open and accepting of me. I'd love to just have somebody there to comfort and comfort me, to listen to and listen to me, to be able to connect to and have them connect with me, to not be awkward with, to feel comfortable around, etcetera. Like a real close friend, but that's not happening anytime soon. And I'm still doubtful that a girl will ever find anything so interesting about me that they'd actually like me and want to date me. So, that's a thing. Relationship goals...... [insert void of "never gonna happen" here]

    This next thing is getting a separate paragraph all to itself, mainly because it is long and would clutter the other paragraphs. But, yeah, I've been having some real imaging issues lately and I'm startingto feel really bummed out about it and the feeling that I can't do anything to change it. I'm fat, grossly overweight, literally to the point where I feel sick everyday. That disgusts me mentally, plus I always feel like I'm going to throw up and have a headache. I'm also still having trouble with my abdomen (see my previous post). So I'm physically not well and mentally too. I just feel so sick, so horrible. I honestly feel gross and somethings definitely wrong with me (as in "I need to do something about my health before something bad happens). And see, despite having these problems and being fully aware of them, I don't do anything to help myself and nobody else is helping me. Like my mom doesn't schedule my doctors appointments, my sister doesn't fully encourage me to do exercise like she promises, my dad works too much to care and is very ignorant of my problems (he thinks they don't exist or has the "that's your problem mentality) and he often makes fun of me or yells at me instead of actually helping me, and I'm the biggest problem. I do absolutely nothing to help myself. I'm my own worst enemy. And I do nothing to change that. I'm the biggest stick in the mud, I don't like to do anything. I'm seriously unmotivated. All of my problems untie and just make me completely useless. All my social, mental, and physical problems come together to just drag me down. I'm unmotivated, pure and simple, and that's something that I will probably never do anything about.

    Now, for the sake of making this whole thing look neater, I'm going to make another paragraph for my conclusion. It seems that I'm struggling with the same problems all the time. Sometimes they get better, sometimes they get worse. Most of the time they're just equally balanced with trash and stupidity. I feel like trash. And a lot of things that happen are really dumb and stupid. And a lot of things can be easily done/changed/avoided. But life's just got to keep making things difficult. And, to be honest, what can I do? There seems like there's nothing I can do about anything. Nothing I can do to change. Nothing I can do to make a change. As always, I just want to be a girl. A healthy, pretty, skinny, cute, kind, and cuddly, girl. I want dark brown hair, lovely front bangs, boobs, a vagina, a girlfriend, a healthy body and lifestyle, a clean and wealthy state of mind, a strong state of well-being, friends, a better family, opportunities to do what I love, a decent salary, a home, a life. I want so many things, but I'd settle for just being comfortable with myself and being stable in life. I just want a roof over my head, food to eat, a job to live off of, a friend who cares, someone to cuddle and make love to, health, mental wellness, a female presentation, and a feeling of being safe and secure. In the end, I want to live comfortably as a woman in a home with good people by my side and a good life to follow suite. Anyways, I'm just going on and on. There's really nothing to do about this. I'm stuck in the mud, and I'm my own worst enemy. Life is just really sucking right now. I hope things improve and get the least bit better, that way I know it's at least possible. Anyway, same thing as usual I guess. And I guess a lot of you feel the same way or experience the same, if not similar, problems. Let us share in the hope, I guess. :|

    <3 You all for being here to listen to me and help me when I need it. Just knowing that someone out there looked at this, and most likely read this, makes me feel better. <3
     
    #1 Natasha Elyssa, Feb 20, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017