A question to gay men

Hi,

I'm trying to figure out my sexuality at present (discovering whether I'm fully gay or just bi), and I'm hoping to speak with some gay men.

My question: what's your response when you see what straight men would deem to be an 'attractive' woman?

Do you have any form of arousal or excitement at all? Have you ever considered sex with a woman because you thought it'd be enjoyable and desirable, yet still considering yourself gay? Or does the thought of sex with women do absolutely nothing for you at all? Perhaps even a turn-off?

Sorry if that sounds like a stupid question, but I'd be very interested to hear people's perspectives as I discover my own sexuality.

Thank you.

 

Back before I was comfortable with my sexuality I had sex with women. It was enjoyable and they aroused me--but nothing like men did. Once I really became comfortable with the notion that I was gay pretty much all of those feelings for women went away. I mean I can tell who is attractive but it's more just an aesthetic thing.

 

Wow, shes gorgeous. And she has amazing boobs!

Not really

Yep, and it was fun for what it was. It was a close friend and we were both kinda drunk and things slowly got there.

Mostly it does nothing for me, but I wouldn't call it a turn off. Just a "meh" feeling about it all

 

It's not a stupid question at all. You are not the first to ask and you will not be the last.

I think the response to your question will vary from gay guy to gay guy, but from my perspective there is nothing wrong with admitting an appreciation of sorts for the opposite sex. Does that appreciation translate into attraction? No. Not for me at least. Even so, I am prepared to admit that some women are stunningly beautiful and I can totally see what straight guys see, even if I don't have the same responses, eg. arousal, excitement, desire. It's not that I am turned off, it's just that I am not turned on. For me, that only works with guys and that's how I know I am gay.

Now there are some gay guys who will be more curious and may even have experimented with the opposite sex and possibly enjoyed it, even though their deepest sexual feelings and desires are reserved for the same sex. It really depends on the guy.

 

I feel .. meh! kind of handicapped to carry on a conversation with the straight men about what they consider an "attractive" woman. I can appreciate beauty, since I have a kind of an artistic passion, but with no sexual connotation to it.

No arousal or excitement at all .. Although I'm married to one, separated now, but it used to take me a lot of effort to prepare myself for a successful sexual encounter, physically by abstaining for longer periods of times, as well as mentally (sometimes watching porn would help raise my libido). When sex time came, I'd have been ready and would be aroused and excited if I'm humping a wall! so having my wife was a bonus! Outside marriage, I've never looked at another woman in a sexual way, I tried, but it was more repulsive than enjoyable.

It is not a stupid question, on the contrary, this question would help many of us, including myself, define and spell out what they actually felt, and it definitely helps in being truthful to oneself.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Personally I feel that I have an interest in women, but the thought of being sexual with another man, or seeing a hot man naked, makes something deep within me yearn for sex with them. It feels different to my interest in women, as the feeling for men seems to come from a different, deeper place. It's hard to describe. I can feel an intensity in my gut that almost becomes a compulsion to be with another guy and be sexual with him. I don't think I've experienced this about women before.

Part of me thinks this might be because sex with men is taboo in my background, and my religious and social upbringing has made me repress these feelings for so long it's like my same-sex desire is making up for lost time.

However, I'm starting to think that there's a deeper aspect of my general sexual orientation, which may be far more inclined towards men than I ever thought possible.

I'm only starting to allow myself to notice these feelings, but looking back, I think they have always been with me since puberty.

I wonder to what extent a strong religious and societal preference for straight monogamous relationships may have created feelings of attraction for women in me that are not my natural preference, as that's what I think I should be feeling to be a normal human being?

As a man married to a woman, this really scares me.

 

Aj462. Your post resonates with me. I too have wrestled with the question in your post. I have had sex with women and actually enjoyed it. I now know thanks to ECs and it's members AND the book Farm Boys by Will Fellows, this is called sexual intimacy - or at least I believe this is what its called. But it is not emotional intimacy. I didn't even know about emotional intimacy until I read about it in Farm Boys.

Emotional intimacy was turned off within me by societal and religious shame.

I dare say that deep feeling(s) inside you. That burning sensation. This is emotional intimacy finally showing up. Strange feeling isn't it?

Later

 

I've found situations in my gay life that really confirm what this is about. I like to recount how I was walking in a park one sunny warm day when I spotted a hetero couple lying on a blanket on the grass, he was shirtless, she was wearing wearing the bare minimum and had her legs around his...let's just say that it was as if she didn't exist, all my attention was focused on his gorgeous abs and chest...

I have slept with a few women, and I enjoyed it, but to bring in an analogy to what OGS stated above: when it comes to the difference between women and men, one can say it is the difference between a firecracker and an atomic bomb...

 

I've had crushes on girls since I was quite young and in Grade School. But I had crushes on boys too and they trumped crushes on girls. After careful examination and assessment of my so called girl crushes over the years, I concluded that I liked a girl for her attractiveness or something else in her that appealed to me, but I would rather have her as a good friend rather than explore a romantic relationship with her.

Boys on the other hand, I wanted to hug, kiss, hang out and date. So that's what goes on in my head when I see attractive girls.

 

First...I actually don't really have any sexual experience outside porn and masturbation. I'm still a virgin, and I'm not ashamed of that, however, all that's just to say, take my words with an extra grain of salt, lol. Anyway, I'm still going through some introspection of my sexuality, I feel strong attraction to men, however I can remember from back in high school a hand full of girls who were particularly special to me...it's kind of hard to explain, especially for me since I've never actually been with anyone, but while i didint really feel attracted to their physical attributes, the thought of being with them and being with them was...but this was just with these special few girls.

 

When I was younger, I did not know that it was acceptable to be in a relationship with the same sex, so I thought that I would be forced to love a girl. I pictured myself having sex with women but it just did nothing to me (I would just get turned off and have no sexual feelings). I can find women pretty in the way that I would find a dog cute, but I have no desire to have sex with one and I am not attracted to their body.

 

I think about this all the time actually. In general, women do not turn me on. I can see a woman who most straight men would consider "hot" and definitely acknowledge that she is attractive, but I don't feel lust towards her or desire having sex with her at all.

I have had sex with two women many times, as I was in relationships with both of them. Honestly, I loved having sex with them. I think a lot of it was based on the emotional connection we shared. Something about that did make them attractive to me. Now I'll say there were times when these women would try to do things that I think would turn most straight guys on more (wear lingerie, high heels, etc) but that never did anything for me. I already wanted to have sex with them and seeing them trying to be "sexy" didn't increase my desire. Admittedly, I am a bit of a horn-dog and sex is great in general, so I'm not surprised that I always wanted sex with them. I rarely ever thought of guys during it or anything like that.

But I know that I wouldn't just take some random girl home from the bar or an online app and sleep with her just to get off. That has never interested me. With guys, I'm more than happy doing that. So there's a definite difference for me in how I see guys (there's lust, definite lust) and how I see girls.

 

Sexuality is not black or white. Sometimes you fancy a bloke. Sometimes you may fancy a Sheila. It is what it is. Dont over analyze. Dont label.

 

I guess I can note a woman's beauty, although the ones I personally see as attractive may not align with what a straight guy thinks. This is particularly the case now that I've come out to myself--the attractive women, to my eyes, aren't attractive because of big boobs, or beautiful blond hair. There is something else--perhaps interesting character in her face, or else something inside that radiates a sort of beauty.

As far as having sex with a woman: I've never had sex, period. Years back, I could "imagine" having it with a woman...but it wasn't something I really felt interested in pursuing as I think in retrospect. I seem to recall masturbation fantasies involving a straight couple, but my attention was more locked on the guy in those fantasies.

There have been times since coming out to myself that I've half thought it might be interesting to have sex with a woman just once for the experience. But there are times--more times--when that ideal frankly repels me. Part of this is just practical considerations. Why risk STDs having sex with a woman when I'm not really attracted to them? And don't forget the risk of something going wrong, and there being a pregnancy. We don't need a small BMC77 running around!

 

Aj462,

I self-identify as "gay", and in reality I think I'm about a Kinsey 5 or about 95% gay. This is fine with me.

There are occasionally women that I find attractive physically, and sometimes our personalities just mesh. Currently I know one woman at work who I just "click" with, and another that is super attractive. They're both so beautiful.

However, in my case, there's no sexual arousal. I can see their beauty and appreciate it, but there's no lust, and they don't linger in my mind. In short, my appreciation of them is aesthetic in nature but there is no longing. For this reason I consider myself gay even though I do sometimes find women attractive.

Hope that helps. I think sometimes it's challenging to confront the complexity of attraction and sexuality, and I hope you can navigate to a place that feels right for you.

Patrick

 

I've moved my ECs sexual orientation from Kinsey 5, which I picked because it felt right, to Kinsey 6, as I processed what it is to be a gay man, back to Kinsey 5. Kinsey 5 fits perfectly. Sex with a female can be ok, a feeling one gets when watching a baseball game on a sunny afternoon when there is noting better to do - the score is tied, 3 to 3. But sex with guys is erotic and can send one off to a different world.

 

I can tell when a woman is ridiculously hot or cute. However, it does absolutely nothing to me. If anything I envy her. That's why I consider myself a sharp 6.

 

The same way I might respond while viewing an attractive painting or sunset. I can appreciate it, and perhaps even really enjoy it. But nothing's going on south of the equator, if you get my drift.

Lex

 

Thanks everyone. You've given me much to consider as I try to come to terms with whether I am bi or gay.

I wonder if anyone has experienced a sort of 'magnetism' towards people of a particular gender? If you identify as gay, I assume you would do so for other men?

For example, when at a bar the other night, I felt an intense awareness of the presence of a number of women. The waitress who came to our table, and a few other women around the room. It was almost like these women were highlighted from the scene, standing out to me in a very apparent manner. On reflection, I didn't experience this for any of the men in the bar at all.

I identify this sort of magnetism far more frequently with women than I do with men, although it does happen on rare occasions when there's a very attractive guy in my proximity.

The odd thing is that, although I feel more naturally attracted to women, I feel a far more intense desire to have sex with men than I do women, at least at the moment. Perhaps this is because I am in a relationship with a women and have those sexual and emotional needs fulfilled by her? So perhaps the intense sexual fantasies and feelings for men that I get are because my same-sex needs are not being fulfilled (and never have been)?

Thanks for any further insight.

 

omg that is 100% me except that I dont have crushes on girls, just find some attractive.