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I feel lost

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by MewDew, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. MewDew

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    I am in a lot more pain than anyone realizes. I have told a few people about it, but only my closest friends, and even around them I feel like I have to filter how much I tell them. I think that I might be depressed, but the problem is I only feel like that half the time. The other half I feel relatively normal. I know it's not bipolar because I don't have a "manic" phase- I'm either depressed or neutral/happy. Also, the switches between feeling depressed and happy don't have a predictable pattern. The only time that I know I'm going to feel worthless and depressed is during social studies, but that's an entirely different and longer story. Other than that it just comes and goes at random.
    When I am in a "depressed phase", the feelings can range from not seeing a future for myself to legitimate thoughts of suicide. Occasionally I have self-harmed during this period, and the recurring theme is that I feel utterly worthless during this time.
    Even in my so-called "happy" phase, I still can't picture myself having a future more than one or two years from now. I can imagine dating someone, but not getting married or having a job or even going to college. I feel like I can't handle everything that I will have to do to have a job as an adult, and I don't remember or understand how other people (and my past self) could/can see a future for their self.
    I just need advice. What should I do about this?
     
  2. Myles Kramer

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    Mental health is a difficult thing to give advice on.

    I am operating under some level of depression? as well. Sometimes, the problem isn't actually with your brain, some people are more susceptible to depression than others and when put under physical and/or emotional stress. My experience with this is being unable to eat when I'm stressed out-- and the lack of nutrients prevents my brain from making enough of the necessary chemicals to feel happy and I've slipped into constantly feeling like there's nothing I can do right, getting stressed out, and then not eating and so on and so forth :/// I know this might sound kind of stupid but I took some advice from a professor and started taking a multivitamin every day and a drinking protein powder shake when I can't eat anything else-- and its actually helped me feel less tired. I'm also seeking out therapy. One of my friends is on testosterone and his doctor decided to save him some money because he was responding well and told him he could go a month and a half between blood work instead of every treatment. He ended up taking more testosterone than his body could balance with estrogen and the doctor didn't notice for 3 months! Hormones play a huge role in mood and he felt regularly suicidal for the whole winter, but bounced back really well after adjusting his dosage.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is there are good outcomes from speaking up about this and its way more complex than just getting a diagnosis and a medication. There won't be a light bulb that illuminates how to become your best self all at once but self care and medical attention will help.

    The human brain is composed of nerves. "Nerves that fire together, wire together" is a quote a friend mine in graduate school for psychology is fond of. You have every reason to feel stuck and see no realistic way out. Chances are you are a better judge of knowing that there is something off about how you think in comparison to how you see other people thinking who have hopes and dreams, than your friends are family. You should find a way to get in touch with a therapist/ social worker (these are the people who talk), a psychologist (they talk too but usually specialize in a field), or a psychiatrist (these people can write prescriptions and refer you to the talkers).

    If I was way way way off on whether that info would apply to you or you want to ask some more questions, please do tell me!
     
  3. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Mewdew,

    I have struggled with depression all of my life...with a general pattern similar to you...depressed(and the corresponding 'utterly worthless' feeling) or neutral/happy (ish). Thoughout my life though I have had experiences with deep and overwhelming depression --a darkness that takes over, to the point that I am really unable to function.

    It is important that you address these feelings of depression, in some way. I am glad you have friends to talk to, it's important to be connected to others. Suicidal thoughts, self harm and difficulty being able to be future oriented are real concerns.

    I cannot speak for your situation of course, but I can share what has helped in treating my own depression. First (and maybe most important!) was finding a therapist who I really connect with. A good therapist will allow you to explore all your feelings--without having to filter anything. This in itself will be relieving. I also take medication-medication is not for everyone but it may be something you want to consider. I believe it does help me and I guess I am lucky in that I don't have any side effects from it, so it's no problem for me to just take it every morning. I also make a real effort to stay connected to others, to take advantage or social opportunities (even if I don't feel like going at first!).

    So my advice would be to address this now. See your doctor for a referral to a mental health provider. Most communities have low cost, sliding scale fee mental health centers if cost is a concern. Your feelings of depression are unlikely to just improve on their own. At the very least discussing this with a provider and looking into your options certainly won't make things worse, and you could find it an empowering step.

    Depression is a treatable illness and there is lots of hope that you can feel better! Best of luck to you!