velvet rage?

I was just having a discussion with my partner not more than 30 minutes ago about how I have been able to let go of my anger. How I have found peace and contentment once I was able to resolve as best I can both shame and internalized homophobia. I can not stress enough how impactful these emotions have on driving anger, and how ones ability to get rid of the anger is tied to addressing them, understanding them, and figuring out how to remove them from your heart.

What you are expressing is systematic of the shame and internalized homophobia that is inside of you. Get mad, get emotional. Let it all out. Learn to understand them. Then begin to heal.

This is a fantastic question!!!!!

 

Apparently "The velvet rage" is a book.

 

Well I was just in LV a couple weeks ago. Very interesting city. I learned a lot. (a bit rushed so this will be quick.

Anger is a reaction in the cause effect sequence of events. Dig a hole with a hand shovel, you have a pile of dirt. Your anger is equated to the pile of dirt. You need to find the hole.

How to overcome this. Start a journal. Let it all bleed out in the journal. Join a martial arts class, club. Nothing to committal. Find a bag and kick the shit out of it. Join a meditation group and learn to meditate. Mindful mediation takes time. Find a friend to talk to the let it bleed out. Find a therapist you like. I also found books to read so I basically became better informed. Farm Boys by Will Fellows is an amazing book.

I can definitely relate to the abuse when growing up scene. I now know I was severely abused - the abuse was masked. I was even beat up and left laying in a field one time. Want to talk about it? Get PM (private message) and we'll talk about it.

Later man.

 

It's a fantastic book and a must read for anyone on their journey to self acceptance.

---------- Post added 20th Feb 2017 at 09:26 PM ----------

Your hitting the nail on the head. You say it yourself, your felt "shame". It's a powerful emotion. Learn to love yourself, and put the shame behind you.

 

I had a great deal of anger when I was younger. It was just sort of always there without any kind of real direction just sort of ready to pounce but I didn't tend to lash out I lashed in if that makes any sense. I was furious all the time, but really I was just furious with myself. I tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. I felt powerless and hopeless and it infuriated me.

Coming out was really the beginning of the end of that anger for me. I'd had all these walls up so people wouldn't hurt me and when I brought them down I found that people didn't--it had all been such a colossal waste. As I became more comfortable and confident as a gay man the anger evaporated because my sense of hopelessness and powerlessness went too.

I've always meant to read the Velvet Rage--in fact I think I probably own a copy--but unfortunately I feel like it sort of came out too late for me.:lol:

 

I came out in the hopes that the anger would go away and I would accept myself. I even started reading the book Velvet Rage, last year. I stopped before I even got half way. I still find that I am angry and the smallest thing will set me off. I might not voice my anger but I will retreat into my own little world and not speak to people for days ... unless I absolutely have to. I am basically back in the closet and I can feel some days I just cry because I can't vent or even discuss what I am feeling with anyone. Unfortunately in South Africa, seeing a therapist costs a fortune and I can't afford to pay... I basically go through days of up and down and anger but when some happy feeling comes along, I don't know what to do with it. It feels almost un-natural, which is weird, I know.

 

Lonewolfe, Cape Town has quite a vibrant LGBT community. Have you checked to see there is a local LGBT community center that has group meetings?

http://www.capetown.at/capetown/gcommunity.htm

Also, I see you joined EC back in 2015. Dive into the discussions. Debate them with everyone, thinking about what your reading and what your feeling while participating.

If you put the book down, its a sign you have decided not to move forward. Well, get in gear and push yourself!! You will not be able to find full self acceptance without doing some really hard work.

Even if you can not afford a therapist, read other people's experience and see how you relate to them. Participate in all the forums, not just this one.

The Velvet Rage is not the end all resource, it is just one book, one tool to use. There are multiple other tools, other books, etc etc etc.

Go for it!

 

Hi. Thanks for the reply...
Yes Cape Town has a huge gay community but sadly they are very unforgiving when it comes to guys on the larger side of the scale shall I say ... I have never been or felt welcome.
I struggle with self-acceptance a lot even though I came out 12 years ago. My family were ok with it but lately I notice my mom is not so much. I am not worried about getting her acceptance or support. I need that for myself but it's hard doing it alone. I think the almost-7-years I spent in a very closeted Korea added to this feeling.
I come on here at least once a day and read posts... sometimes they make me smile and sometimes I burst into tears because it feels like it's me... same experiences.

xo

 

Lonewolf, consider starting a new thread so others can comment on your particular circumstances. But the fact that your a larger guys has ABSOLUTELY ZERO implications on your ability to feel welcomed by others. It has EVERYTHING to do with your self image. There is a massive "bear" community where larger guys are admired, chased and loved. And I am sure that exists even in Cape Town (I was just in Cape Town last month, plenty of bears!). If you came out, everyone was OK with it, maybe your just seeing a ghost when you say your mother is only now having issues with it? Maybe she is having an issue with you not getting on with your life????? Start another thread

 

I think after all the negative comments I have gotten over the years about being a "bear" has broken my self image and if I try to project confidence, it doesn't last.
My mom would happily have me and my sister remain single and in her control. Unfortunately since returning to CPT, I can't afford my own place so I had to move back in at home... it's a tough situation but many people here my age simply can't afford to rent or buy our own places anymore.

Here is a link to a thread I started last year... I think it's similar.
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/225683-sometimes-i-want-go-back.html

 

While it's true that purging shame and internationalized homophobia takes effort and introspection, it can be done. Part III of the book covers the path to recovery in detail. I created a blog post sharing some of the things that I did on my journey (blog link).

I know many gay men on this site and in real life who have made great progress towards living authentically, and you can generally meet them through dating apps, meetups, and LGBT support groups. I agree that it takes more work to meet a person who is largely past the shame and living authentically than to arrange a hookup, but the effort is worth it when you find someone who wants love rather than a quick release.

 

Constantly portraying adults as victims due to what happened in their childhood prevents them from seeing how the choices that they are freely making now are destructive to themselves and their communities. It excuses self-destructive behavior such as promiscuity and incessant partying and suppresses the truth that, regardless of where you came from, what happens to you now is largely a matter of the choices we each make today and going forward. People have overcome far more difficult situations than name-calling and shaming to have healthy and well-functioning relationships as adults, but the gay-male community, generally speaking, would prefer to continue to label themselves as victims so they don't ever have to face up to the fallout of their own choices today.

 

Siennafire makes some great points. I would add that whether you find someone whom has gotten past the shame and rage, or actively is trying to consciously work on themselves rather than standing still might be slitting hairs; but his point nonetheless is the same - you can find others whom are progressing.

I would venture to think there are more focused on improving themselves than those standing still and letting shame encompass them.

And whatever way you go about meeting people, you never know when you might just find someone waiting for a flight, in line at a coffee shop or purchasing a book at a store. When you have opened yourself up to overcoming the shame, you open yourself up to others looking to do, or having accomplished, the same.

 

I feel that you are overgeneralizing here. Who is guilty of constantly portraying adults as victims? The Velvet Rage acknowledges what happened to many gay men in childhood contributes to the shame and internalized homophobia, goes on to enumerate the consequences (including self-destructive behaviors) manifested in adult life, and then suggests an approach for healing through better choices. I don't see this as excusing the behavior and encouraging recklessness, but rather attempting to understand it such that gay men can then make better choices and start the healing process.

 

Mind if I turn the tables a bit, what is it about sex that troubles you? I am not asking in regards to random hookups, but I am asking in terms of the culture where sex is somewhat of a prerequisite for a relationship (which is a thesis that I struggle to even dispute).

---------- Post added 27th Feb 2017 at 09:10 PM ----------

Wow! This is such a generalisation. Maybe you need to get out more and talk to more people within the community living healthy and productive lives!