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safest thing is being asexual

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by TrevinMichael, Feb 22, 2017.

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  1. TrevinMichael

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    it is not what I want I just do not know who to trust

    glad I found site

    thanks everyone
     
  2. Chip

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    Keep in mind that asexuality (at least, according to the widely-used definition) isn't a choice, in the same way that homosexuality isn't a choice. It's a hardwired, unchangeable sexual orientation.

    And it makes sense that in your current circumstance, it might not feel safe reaching out or trying to connect with people. But don't give up. Take your time, explore your feelings, and perhaps consider therapy. There are lots of ways to find people who will share your feelings, interests, and concerns, and to cultivate healthy relationships with them. All of it takes some time and energy, and I think as you spend more time here at EC, hopefully it will be become more clear what options you may have. :slight_smile:
     
  3. TrevinMichael

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    I have no sexual orientation

    it was never allowed to develop

    my family took it from me

    Maybe it can be a choice who are we to say

    My point is I am tried of being hurt by men and women.

    I am a person first not a label.

    When do I find love in the way I need it?
    When someone returns it back to me.

    Sexually we are also fluid to some extent.

    I am looking for love not sex.
     
  4. TrevinMichael

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    Being an incest survivor by several family members was not a choice.

    I wish it did not happen that way, but I have also worked with many
    survivors and helped them through hard times.

    No matter if I was ever hurt or not, I would have always helped others.
    It is who I am. Loving, kind, and human.
     
  5. Chip

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    Being an incest survivor is certainly not a choice. And it causes a lot of problems with intimacy, perception of safety, willingness to trust, and so forth. But it doesn't change sexual orientation.

    To answer the question of when you find love: Brené Brown's work tells us that we can't love anyone else more than we love ourselves. And for men who have survived sexual abuse, it is nearly impossible to fully love oneself until one has done a lot of self-work with a therapist who specializes in male sexual abuse.

    While it's quite possible to find love without sex, the physically intimate part of a relationship is an important component of a healthy, wholehearted relationship. This is something that you can, if you choose, get to a place where you will find it safe and nourishing and fulfilling. That may not seem possible at this point. And yet, there are lots of people who have been in your situation and healed themselves.

    Trust is earned. It may take you quite some time before you can trust someone again. And you can get there. :slight_smile:
     
  6. TrevinMichael

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    I have done a great deal to heal most of my adult life.

    I just got hurt again and healed and got hurt.

    I have over come a great deal.

    What incest did was to keep me from developing my sexuality on my own, and

    caused a great deal of confusion with a great deal of sadness and feeling unloved.

    There is no way to know what would have happened if I had never been abused by several family members. It may not change orientation, but it did get in my way of clearly understanding my orientation.

    ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2017 at 11:11 PM ----------

    sometimes I wished I was adopted out to a nice family that would not abuse me sexually

    maybe my title is part of what I would have thought was a safer orientation for myself

    this has nothing to do with if something is my choice or not

    it is about me

    this is my journey

    I will keep walking and learning.

    to me the safest thing may just be an asexual life

    in my head anyway

    I do want to be safe
     
    #6 TrevinMichael, Mar 1, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2017
  7. gravechild

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    There is no such thing as an "asexual life", since it isn't a choice. Same thing when people say "homosexual lifestyle" (aside from the clinical term used). This is like some guy being sick of girls, and "deciding" to "turn gay".

    Perhaps you mean celibate?
     
  8. TrevinMichael

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    saying asexual life does not mean it is a choice or not

    just a life where I was asexual

    for one labels do not tell all about a person any more than an orientation

    I am human

    I am many things to many people

    I am finding my way

    saying there is no such thing as an asexual life does not mean it is a choice

    you are missing my point

    which is fine I am not posting for you to completely understand me.

    I meant being asexual not celibate.

    A life where I was asexual which would be just that. I can imagine my life differently and this is part of my journey. I am me and I never really fit into a box.

    Life is full of ups and downs. We all have sadness and joy. With out one where would the other be? Feelings change with the wind. I am grateful for many things.
     
  9. Chip

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    It's important, for the benefit of others who will be reading this thread, that we clarify.

    Asexuality is a sexual orientation in the same way that homosexuality and heterosexuality are an orientation. It is for the most part hardwired and unchangeable, just as homosexuality and heterosexuality are.

    Choosing not to have sexual partners or participate in sex doesn't make one asexual. Additionally, sexual abuse does not alter one's sexual orientation. That is pretty well documented in the literature. Therefore, the abuse that you suffered at the hands of your relatives, as horrid and abusive as it was, did not alter, change, prevent, or otherwise impact your sexual orientation.

    It may have impacted your desire to engage in sexual activity and it can create confusion about sexual orientation, but these are separate issues; abuse does not alter your sexual orientation.

    It's also useful to understand that the issues you are experiencing are likely psychological in nature, and a byproduct of the abuse you suffered, but these are not hardwired, permanent, unchangeable things; they are a byproduct of trauma.

    Based on the way you are describing them, it seems clear that the issues are not fully resolved, regardless of the amount of self-healing and therapy you may have had. One of the travesties of treatment for childhood sexual trauma, particularly for males, is that there are a lot who claim to do so, but very few genuinely trained, experienced and qualified therapists that actually understand and can effectively work with clients to heal these issues.

    If you don't feel this is something you wish to pursue, or that you would benefit from, that is absolutely your choice.

    It is, however, important to convey to others who may be reading this thread that the issues you are experiencing are absolutely solvable. As is the ability to develop resilience from being hurt. None of these need be lifelong unhealed wounds.
     
  10. TrevinMichael

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    Chip where I am coming from is a what if situation

    all that information is great

    I can have a what if moment

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2017 at 01:47 PM ----------

    I have been working on me all my life.

    I understand what you are saying.

    The title was just a statement on how I felt at the time.

    That if I had been asexual it may have been an easier road for me.

    Using non sexual may have been easier to understand, but my statement was meant
    as just that a statement that if I were Asexual it would be safer. It is good you added information on asexuality. I had trauma since the first breathe of my life. Born 2 months early with a birth weight of 1 pound 7 oz born in a house in 1962. My chances of surviving were not very good. I am also a fighter I do not give up.
     
  11. TrevinMichael

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    Update

    part of what I have gone through relationship and friendship wise for me has been being hurt by the people who said they loved me.

    I want love. Not sure how sex fits into this. I really want love.
     
  12. Chip

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    It sounds from your earlier posts that you have been or are in therapy.

    I have to wonder how effective the therapy you're getting is for you, because from the tone that is coming across from pretty much all of your threads, I hear someone who is in a lot of pain and unhappiness.

    Recovery from a traumatic childhood takes time, and requires an extremely high level of skill on the part of the therapist. With proper treatment, optimism, and a thirst for life and experiences, is possible.

    It doesn't sound like you are in that place. I hear a lot of "I've done a ton of self-work", but I don't hear a lot of "I'm really happy with the progress I'm making"; what I hear instead is, "Sex isn't safe, but I want it. I can't connect to people because it's scary." And in almost every post, I hear about the traumas you've suffered. All of these are issues that should be able to be effectively treated with really good therapy... and the challenge there is, it can be really difficult to find a therapist who is more than a nice, friendly voice. One who effectively deals with these sorts of issues will constantly challenge their clients to take risks, look at life through different lenses, and change the way they think and act.

    I'd invite you to think about those things and see what steps you can take to make a real difference in your experience of the world.
     
  13. TrevinMichael

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    you are reading into things a bit Chip

    when you read something you get a very small snap shot

    I had been hurt by someone who was very controlling that ended in Sept. 2016.

    I am new here and part of that newness is telling my story. My story is not all abuse.

    I was hurt over time and also hurt as an adult by many that were close to me.

    This does not mean I am not happy. For the most part yes I am. Sex is not safe when you do not know the person well.

    Chip considering what I have lived through I am doing great.

    I have had a great deal of therapy, and I am not reliving it.

    This is a big part of what has caused the confusion and I just put it out there. (the abuse) This does not mean I am not healing or healthy.
     
  14. TrevinMichael

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    On the contrary I am and therapist, have been a professor, I teach, I perform music, I have sung in a rock opera.

    I also have worked with trans youth and adults and others in the GLBTQ community.

    It takes time with any loss or hurt to heal.

    If I had not healed from the incest I would have done all these things in my lifetime.

    Reading a few words about someone does not really show who they are. It is like a puzzle. The more posts I have out there the better you will understand who I am.

    Very strong, very healthy, and I say things the way they are. I do not hide I am me all the time. I am loving and kind. Making judgements about getting therapy and how hard it is to get over things like trauma is assuming I have not healed. I have healed and helped thousands of others to heal as a teacher, professor, therapist, and friend. I have always reached out to others. Few people get through life not being hurt by a loved one. Just the way it is.

    My life is not a bad life. I never said it was. This is me saying things like they are.
     
  15. Chip

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    There are no judgments intended in what I'm saying.

    My experience (and the literature on trauma healing) is that first, people generally don't fully heal from those sorts of trauma; they are lifelong processes that affect us, though how much they affect us will obviously vary considerably.

    Secondarily, those who consider themselves "healed" (which, as I said above, is a questionable term for trauma survivors, as most who are fully engaged in healing see it as lifelong) generally don't post continually about how relationships aren't safe, sex isn't safe, being asexual is the only option, and everyone takes advantage of them. If you're familiar with Brené Brown's Ten Guideposts to Wholehearted Living, being able to embrace, embody, and fully live those guideposts is pretty key to being wholehearted.

    You're absolutely correct that postings on a message board can't truly convey anyone's character or the wholeness of who they are. This is one of the reasons why it isn't ethical to diagnose anyone based on what they write on an Internet forum. That said, one can read into postings, particularly where there are patterns, and often times, those reads are more accurate than you might think.
     
  16. TrevinMichael

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    healing is more the way it is

    what I am saying is given the amount of abuse and the bad relationships, the fact that I am happily married to someone who loves me and I have kids and step kids and grand kids.
    And I love teaching and my job. I have over come a lot.
     
  17. TrevinMichael

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    I understand what you are saying Chip and it is all great.

    I also know the early incest did damage. Healing is a life long process for me.

    I have done so many things and helped many people. I also have a new family that
    loves me a great deal.

    And some biological family that also still loves me.
    When you get married no one thinks divorce.
    When you have friends you trust you do not think they will abuse you.

    When things started to go wrong with these people I did get away when I could.

    So I have found good people to be in my life.


    I am now not going to allow more abuse. I have had enough.
     
  18. TrevinMichael

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    most of the time I feel alright like nothing is bothering me

    every now and then the past can play tricks on me

    getting triggered but something that happened, for the most part

    I feel like I am leading a pretty great life.

    Part of me feels that if I were not sexual with others life would be easier.

    Truth is I think I just wish I was not abused.

    On a brighter note, I have come a long way and I am pretty happy with things the way they are now.
     
  19. TrevinMichael

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    Chip the following is a judgement

    "Secondarily, those who consider themselves "healed" (which, as I said above, is a questionable term for trauma survivors, as most who are fully engaged in healing see it as lifelong) generally don't post continually about how relationships aren't safe, sex isn't safe, being asexual is the only option, and everyone takes advantage of them."

    We do not know each other and will never see each other in person.

    I am new and do not have enough posts for you to be able to even suggest I continually do any thing on here. You do not know me well enough to know how much I have healed.

    If I feel that being an asexual person would have been safer than the life I have lived sexually than that is how I feel about it. If I had not healed from the incest, I would have not gone on to be a therapist, professor, or a teacher. General statements are just that general. Many incest survivors go on to do remarkable things.

    Plus judgements are judgements and not intentions. Judgements are an opinion based on the knowledge one has about someone. I have worked with survivors with abuse and trauma similar to mine or worse. And many of them have healed enough to do great things. One the definition of trauma, two how do we measure how bad trauma is, three each person hurt is different, four there are many variables here and I have not known you well enough or long enough for you to know how much I have healed or not based on the 50 some posts I had made. Not all my relationships were not safe. I have always made the best decisions I could in any given situation.

    I am living a great life with loving people in it, and when someone tries to hurt me I do not hang around with them any more.

    This post is not an attack on you Chip. Generalizations and opinions are okay, but they are not the truth about any given situation.

    If I am upset over someone going after my friend and they went hurt me too it is only natural for me to be upset. Being threatened by someone also is upsetting both those things happened in Dec and Jan just a few months back.

    I will say this no one knows if someone has healed from a post on any internet site.
    I have worked with survivors of trauma and abuse for over 35 years and will continue to.
    You know nothing of me as a person. You only know what you have read.

    Once I have 100 to 200 posts you may rethink your opinions'
     
  20. Chip

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    Actually, no, it's a statement of fact.

    You're under no obligation to take my advice nor anyone else's, nor should you do anything other than what feels right to you. When I post anywhere on EC, I'm doing so not just for the benefit of the individual who started the thread, but also for others who will read the thread.

    That's entirely true. It's also true that I've worked with and spoken with many abuse survivors over the years, read extensively on the subject, and been to a number of postprofessional trainings on the issue, so I have some understanding of the depth of the issue. Given how severe abuse is for some, I could entirely see that in your current state, you have already done considerable healing.


    The problem with that statement is that it sounds like being asexual is a choice. It would be no different than saying "it would have been safer to be heterosexual" or "it would have been safer to be homosexual" or "it would have been safer to be white" (if one is a person of color.) It might be true, but since we cannot change our sexual orientation, it's a rather pointless argument.

    If you are implying that in order for an incest survivor to be a therapist, professor, or teacher, they must have healed from their wounds, that is, unfortunately, completely untrue. There are a tremendous number of therapists, professors, and teachers who have not done their own work, and, equally unfortunately, many of these people actively harm their clients unintentionally.

    Absolutely true. Tyler Perry and Oprah are great examples.

    Anything is possible. Maybe not likely, but possible.
     
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