I'm 21 and have had a serious relationship that lasted 5 years with a guy, but I've always identified as bi. I've slept with quite a few guys, but have little experience with women. I know I was in love with my ex at some points during the relationship, but the feelings usually came and went, never lasting too long. I used to think I would end up with a guy because that's just what was normal and expected of me. Also, I've had many male crushes, and far fewer female ones. However, I had pretty tough teen years, where I was constantly lost, insecure and feeling like my self-worth was based on how much a man wanted to sleep with me. Lately, I feel like I'm really becoming more comfortable with who I am and what I want out of life.. I feel like the better I feel about myself, the more I feel this liberating pull towards women. I fantasize about a perfect life with a woman, the hot sex, the intimacy.. I no longer get the same happy feeling about men.. However, it's weird because on days where I'm not ok, where I feel down, insecure and unstable, I think about being with a man. I feel like he could provide, protect and give me that ego boost by wanting to f*ck me all the time (stereotypical gender roles, I know...). Men are easy, I know them so well. I'm comfortable around them, I can flirt and I could get most to fall in love with me. But the thought doesn't make my heart flutter like it does with women.. Another weird thing, when I feel really self-loathing, I fantasize about being gang-banged by lots of men. I have had amazing sex with men in the past before, but when I think about it, it was only when I was beyond drunk at the time and the sex was quite violent. Which makes me wonder, is liking men about ego (from knowing they want to f*ck me), security (vs. the "insecurity" of living an openly gay life) and self-punishment (through pain-inducing sex)? I just can no longer imagine a full, loving, gentle relationship with a man.. Despite knowing that I am sometimes attracted to them, and I have loved them before.
