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Not at this age?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Contented, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. Roxxy45

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    I have recently been seeing a woman on a friends with benefits type deal. trying to avoid being gay if atall possible. Had to finish it as i could only feel fulfilled by being honest with her and admitting i liked guys too. She was really cool and quite interested, shared a few of her own gay experiences and now we are firm friends but not intimate. Although i didn't want to advertise my sexuality it felt good to get it off my chest, in fact it felt thrilling in an odd way and quite sensual talking openly about it. Perhaps i am a bit strange, i don't know but i do feel even gayer everytime i tell someone. Obviously i am careful who i relate this to, but sometimes it is worth the risk. Our friendship was never so good as it is now and i can be myself around her which is very liberating.
     
  2. findingjoy

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    Yes! It's hard to put in words, but after i came out to close friends I felt more gay. Maybe its just getting rid of those compartments were you are 'hiding' your sexuality. It could aslo be that everytime we admit it publicly it confirms there's no going back or struggling or doubting anymore.
     
  3. Contented

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    All very true. It is liberating to say out loud I am gay. I feel I am apart of something bigger than just my sexuality. I don't want to pretend to be straight, or try to find a an attraction to women any longer. I feel I am moving quickly over the past year towards a openly gay life but I somehow cannot stop the speeding train! When I think of being in relationship with a man, it is exciting. I want to be involved with him emotionally, sexually, intellectually, and openly. I want to be able to have and be a boyfriend openly embracing my homosexuality honestly without shame or guilt. I sometimes think I am asked for too much. I can only say the gayer I feel, the better I feel. The more I internalize my homosexuality the happier I feel inside. I want to translate that to the outside.
     
  4. Roxxy45

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    Well said confusedeast! I dream of a similar future everyday. The thought of waking up next to a boyfriend is intoxicating at times. I am going to make a greater effort to find someone this year and although i would like to be openly gay to all i will take baby steps for now.
     
  5. Contented

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    Roxxy45, one of the many things I have discovered by reading the various posts on EC is that each person path to acknowledging their true sexuality is very different. We all experience the same emotions , the ups and downs but with varying intensity. For some of us the path is easier than others. In many ways I am happy that my path has not been as torturous as others however I am keenly aware and concerned for those that are experiencing a much rougher path.
    My first unencumbered date with my former co-worker is coming up shortly and I like you envision this prefect scenario of the two of us hitting it off and riding into the sunset together. I am also a realist and know that even if that is the case, it is a long way from where I am now.
    The one thing I know for sure at this point is that I no longer feel a part of the heterosexual world in any way and all it entails. In a funny way I feel this incredible sense of freedom as the last vestiges of my straight life slowly disappear. I can only hope that soon it will happen for you and you can experience the happiness being free to express your sexuality brings.:thumbsup:
     
    #85 Contented, Mar 1, 2017
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  6. Roxxy45

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    today i actually found a guy i am really really interested in online. he is into crossdressing similar age and looks stunning in stockings etc. in my community it is very hard to be gay/bi and i was feeling a bit lost as i don't have the confidende for a blind date or want a quickie hookup, so am crossing my fingers that all goes well and he agrees to meet up. so excited, he ticks all my boxes. It is a major step for me to even imagine meeting someone like this, but can't stop looing at his picture. so hopefully i can take the plunge and scratch that itch that won't go away.x
     
  7. GreysAnatomyfan

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    Just read all the pages in this thread. I'm envisioning your life as a tv series. Hope verything goes well. I'm rooting for you ConfusedEast. Really interested to find out how your date goes, keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    ConfusedEast, I have been reading your thread with keen interest, and I noticed your last post was from a week ago and referenced an upcoming date with your friend. Did you have the date? If so, how did it go?
     
  9. Contented

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    I appreciate fellow EC members interest in my situation. I certainly hope however I am not giving the appearance of a TV show. I realize my coming to terms with my homosexuality has not been as dramatic nor as stressful as others here on EC, it has not been without its sleepless nights nor serious soul searching.
    Last weekend was the big date and I have been slow in writing about it as I am just now getting my head around being on my first real date with a guy totally free and clear of any outside distractions. There was no girlfriend nor job complications to concern myself with.
    None the less I almost cancelled 2 or 3 times just based on nerves. The doubt crept in big time. The age difference, experience difference, that fact that I am a 52 year old and while in pretty good shape I am still look 52, all played into my paranoia. I also fixated on the sexual aspect. Obviously I had sexual relations with women but never a guy. Beyond the obvious I was not familiar with male to male sexuality and this was distressing. What if the date became romantic, how would I handle it. I decide that looking at some gay porn might help. I have never been a huge porn fan but in this case I felt it was something I had to do.
    After getting over my initial yuck reaction, I found the portrayals of same sex sexuality to strangely sensual and frankly a turn on. I wasn't sure I could every do anything of it but at least I found watching enjoyable.
    The day of I was as nervous as a teen on his first date. again I almost back out at the last minute trying to think o a lame excuse not to go. Sense finally won out and I went over to meet ( Rather than say the guy, I will call him Ted-not his name).
    After some initial discomfort we managed to spend the evening together having dinner and cocktails in a relaxed atmosphere. We must have talked for three hours solid just getting to know each other better. By the end of the evening I felt as if I had know Ted for years.
    We talked about whether we could really develop a relationship as neither one of us had any interest in a one night thing. We also discussed how that could happen with Ted being an openly gay man and me still mostly in the closet.
    The evening ended with us deciding we wanted to see where this was going and planned another date. There was no wild and crazy night of wanton sex but rather a passionate goodbye at our vehicles with a pledge that we wanted to see each other again. The kisses at the end o the night felt so right, even I was surprised. My hope is that it the beginning of something. Driving home that night I never felt gayer, never felt more sure of what I was doing in wanting a gay life. My only regret so far is that I didn't discover or uncover my homosexuality sooner.
     
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  10. Lexington

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    It sounds like everything is going awesomely. Ted sounds like a good guy. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  11. Roxxy45

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    What a lovely evening you had, still looking for mine. Talking to a guy online who like me has always been in hetero relationships but seems very similar to me. Sent him my picture but still not seen him. I get that as i am not into outing myself too. We seem to get each other and i hope we can meet eventually, but although it may seem shallow i need to see his face first. intellectually attracted but crossing my fingers that i like his face. If not so be it, have made a solid friend. We both want someone to love us and both very inexperienced and similar ages too. Don't get me wrong not looking for a super model, just someone who i would like to wake up next to. Quickies and hookups not what i am after, never was.
     
  12. Worker Bee

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    Hey Confused. There's nothing wrong with feeling differently to how you have previously. And there is certainly no correct age to realise/discover something about yourself.

    I know a gay male couple who were both married (to women) and had children. Then one day they met each other and everything changed.

    And please don't worry about having baggage - we all have it. I'm pretty sure I could fill a cargo plane with mine.

    I'm really impressed by your attitude and self-acceptance. I hope it goes well for you as you sound like a great guy. I wish I had your courage - I've been single for over a decade and Hell will probably freeze over before I'm ever capable of such a thing
     
  13. KyleD

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    Yay! I´m so glad you two had a wonderful evening. It warms my heart. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Contented

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    Took Friday off and we spent the day together. It was incredible as it was if we had been together for a long time. For the first time I got a glimpse of what it might be like in a real gay relationship and as far as I can see it's all good. We went out for lunch, went to a gallery
    And walked along a very chilly waterfront but it was fantastic. No PDAs yet not ready for that yet. The evening didn't end in sexual intimacy but I know we are close. We both are being carefully and making sure this is what we both want. I can honestly say I am not sure I can hold out much longer. The more I am with "Ted" the more I want to rip his clothes off and hop into the sack however neither one of us is that aggressive. I want this badly but I am still very cautious as sex in any relationship is a major step. I have also seeked out the local LGBTQ center to join their discrete coming out help group. I felt it was time to begin the next phase of preparation for gay life. The group helps older men in coming to terms with their homosexuality and support with coming out issues. It is both frightening and exciting at the same time to think I soon will come out and openly embrace my sexuality.
     
    #94 Contented, Mar 13, 2017
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  15. Contented

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    Just wanted to add this, this week I attend for the first time a coming out support group sponsored by the local LGBTQ center. You had to submit a request, partake in the a phone screening only then was I given the location. I was told this was to protect people wishing to attend. I found the experience interesting and yet somewhat alien. My group is old men however they have three groups stating with teens and then young adults. The moderator was friendly but most of the participants seemed either ill at ease or just plain odd. It was not the most comfortable event I have ever been at. I detected many with a woe is me attitude looking for pity rather than help or guidance. I also felt that many attending seemed to want the best of both worlds. They wanted to continue with their straight appearing lives while trying to be gay on the DL or at least it seemed so to me.
    I really expected some concrete discussion on coming to terms with coming out and as hard as the moderator tried it kept reverting to more of a pity party. I am judging too harshly without enough experience in group dynamics of this sort?
     
  16. Contented

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    Thought I would add a post. Decided to visit a LGBTQ oriented therapist recommended by the local org. I just wanted to talk out what I have been going through and feeling over the past months and especially the last 60 days. The therapist was fantastic as he being somewhat older he came to terms with his homosexuality only after undergrad school ,he understood the conflicting emotions of transition. The issue I was truly interested in discussing was having never been a super masculine type as I continue to my transition from hetero to gay I feel less and less masculine. I don't mean to imply flamboyant ,etc but I do feel a shift to a softer, more emotional personality. Gay is starting to mean much more than just a sexual orientation to me. I was concerned I was trying to be too gay. He assured me that was not the case but more likely more of my repressed or suppressed personality is starting to emerge as I continue to explore the real me. Now that I have started the self examination process I am taking it to next logical level in discovering who I really am. Long before this transition started I found tattoos, nipple piercing and smooth bodies attractive. I never acted on any of that until recently and was worried that this was somehow a gay affectation I was engaged in. Again he cleared the air for me, as this was just me allowing myself to be the real me for the first time in 52 years.
    Have anyone in EC experienced similar?
     
  17. KyleD

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    I always felt forced to live up to the masculine idea of playing sports and listening to rap music but now that I have accepted my sexuality I am more confident in listening to pop and exploring my artistic side. :grin:
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    While you perceive your experience has been easier than most, it seems your realizing with the therapist that you have constructed a similar emotional wall as others which went to impede your ability to be your true self. Its great your going through the process of self actualization and working with a therapist is a great idea and will help you facilitate your journey.

    Whether you define your feelings as masculine or feminine, your staring to explore your full identity, rather than just part of it. I would venture to guess you will continue to vacillate a bit, just like trying on different clothes, until you settle in to what feels right for yourself. From what I am reading, it sounds like your well on your way and on the right path!

    You have mentioned tattoos and piercings in prior posts. Have you thought about getting any? Shortly after my coming out, where I never had a tattoo before, I had a massive urge to express my journey through ink, and did get three separate tattoos that reflected separate parts of my journey. Like you, I am an executive, and whereas my coming out to my coworkers was a quite a dramatic (in a good way) event, I think the tattoos were even more shocking for them (although they are in non-conspicuous places that are not exposed when I am in a suit)! hehe.

    I would imagine, with the therapist, you will continue to work to understand how this revelation about yourself is only coming out now later and life, and I am sure that will be quite a journey for you to experience. Be prepared to continue to learn a lot about yourself that was not previously self evident.

    Separately, how is the budding relationship going? Are you continuing to make progress?
     
    #98 OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017
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  19. Contented

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    On the Highway, have been meaning to reply but the last week has been a whirl wind of change for me. Your last post is very astute. I think with the help of my therapist I am finding out much more about myself than thought possible. I am starting to understand that this "transition" in sexuality may not have been as out of the blue as I thought. As hard as it is for me to believe I think my homosexuality is not a sudden thing but just a buried thing. Buried deep for sure but there! In this process of discovery I am finding that I am rebelling against the traditional model of masculinity as well.It is both an exciting and scary process to finally see yourself for what you really are. Like you being a professional I have been circumspect in outward signs of my changing outlook. I finally got a tattoo on my lower abs, something I have always wanted. It is discrete but still for me a sign that I am changing and it is ok. Same with piercings, I am contemplating an earring & nipple piercing sometime down the road. I have always found them sexy but was always afraid of what others would think. NO MORE! My therapist has been pointing out that my entire life I have been doing what I perceive as, what others would think was the right thing and not what I really wanted. While I have been successfully professionally, elsewhere relationship wise in my life not so much. Apparently I have hidden so many desires so deeply that it took 52 years for them surface. Better late than never but I also feel cheated in a way. That I am working through with the help of my therapist.
    Relationship wise things are progressing. We have been on several dates and each one is better than the last. As we learn more about each other, more and more this seems so right. I am coming to understand clearly that beyond just sex I want a relationship with a man. The idea of the real boyfriend in a real relationship seems like the direction we are both headed. We have not been sexually intimate to this point, not for a lack of interest but rather the fact I want to make sure this is for real. Perhaps I am being too cautious but for me sex is more than just the physical act. Truth be told I am also a little leery as I have absolutely no experience with a man, and don't want to look or act foolish. I realize that gay porn is not the best instructional manual for real intimacy, if it was I might never try gay sexuality.
     
    #99 Contented, Apr 1, 2017
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  20. OnTheHighway

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    Whenever it is right for you to be intimate, it will be right. I would caution against feeling any apprehension given your lack of experience, as everyone has had to start are some point in time. And it sounds like the gentleman your dating is moving at your pace, which is good.

    Congrats on the Tattoo!