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I'm tired and don't want to go on...,

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BasketCase, Mar 25, 2017.

  1. BasketCase

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    I've posted on this site before, albeit in the anonymous section, but here I am again.

    I'm in the position of not wanting to kill myself, but, I am tired of living. I wish I could peacefully drift off in the night, just go to bed and not wake up the next morning, I'm finding these thoughts to be more persistent.

    I'm unable (Or unwilling?) to make any changes in my life. I work full time but at work I feel alone, I return to my house each evening, and I relish the time alone yet still missing what I imagine it would feel like to have someone (Other than my parents and siblings) close to share emotions, empathy etc. with.

    I feel guilty that I can't be a better son to my parents. My mother is a great person who touches peoples lives in such a positive way when she meets them. My father is a recovering alcoholic who underwent a period of hospitalisation recently due to liver disease, but even still, he hasn't been bad to me all things told. I have two brothers, one who very rarely leaves the house, and another who lives abroad with a wife who never leaves the house.

    There is something wrong with me. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I make the effort to put on what people think is a joking self deprecating and hostile exterior when it's really not a joke. If there were no consequence and I could walk in front of a train or a bus and not negatively impact on someone elses life I would do it.

    It takes a lot of effort to keep going about life when I really don't enjoy it any more and I haven't since early childhood.

    I really wan't to not wake up next time I fall asleep.
     
  2. Mysteria

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    I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. I've been suicidal, I know what it's like. Trust me when I say you want to get help NOW, before you do something that you'll get to regret the rest of your life; or worse, not have a life to regret it in.

    Going to your ER should be an option. The Lifeline helpline for N. Ireland (Lifeline helpline | Lifeline: Northern Ireland crisis response helpline service) is 0808 808 8000. There is a gay and lesbian support hotline at 0808 8000 390 or [email protected] (it's weekdays) and another organization that might be able to help at Services and Organisations - LGBT Northern Ireland
    If you are feeling this way, you really need to get urgent help. It's not going to go away on its own but there is help out there.

    Do the best you can. I know that leaden feeling, that paralysis about doing anything. I know not wanting to look into a mirror. Any little thing you can do- writing in a journal, taking a walk, treating yourself to something you used to enjoy- all that can help. Not so much because the activity itself is that helpful for you but because the action of doing something positive is self-perpetuating. Can you talk to your family?
     
  3. Questions93

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    Hi Basketcase,

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I know how you feel, sometimes it just seems like the best thing to do! I also know that it can just feel like no matter what you do, nothing seems to be getting better. But it will! Trust me man! Someday it will get better.

    I dragged myself to go talk to a counselor a couple months ago, and it's probably the only thing keeping me going, but I am still going! Give it a try, if you haven't already. Just telling someone your problems face-to-face has such a relieving feeling.

    Another cliche suggestion, but are there any hobbies you're interested in? Anywhere you could go and meet people, or just do something you enjoy? Maybe take up a new hobby?

    Stay strong man :slight_smile:
     
  4. radioqueen

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    Hey,

    I hope you're still continuing on, for lack of a better word. I was crying for a long time the same day you posted this. I too didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, just as you described it. I also thought I didn't have anyone--especially because this was all caused by the one person I felt I had a connection with cutting off all ties with me.

    What really helped me was talking to old friends, even if I hadn't talked to them in a really long time and I felt I never had had a strong connection with them. I also tried to get into one of those suicide prevention chat things--because I have terrible anxiety over the phone--and I waited probably an hour before giving up. One of the best things that I have done is worked out with one of my friends how I might go about helping myself, and how I might go about trying to fix the broken relationship. The very best thing, though, was joining this website in hopes that I might be able to talk about my problems as well as make like-minded friends. I have already been really pleased with the results and I am significantly happier. Of course, I'm not perfect, and I know I'm bound to fall again....

    Enough about me. Here are a few of my suggestions for what has worked for me, though everybody is different so not all of these or maybe even any of these will help (I just want to try, at least):
    - Do something you like--for me, this is going to a used bookstore and picking out some cheap books, without feeling like I'm wasting my money on brand-new books.
    - Attend a local event you are interested in--I am young so I can't attend everything, and even though I am in a big city, I can't seem to find things that interest me. Maybe you'll have better luck.
    - Find some friends--I know it can be really hard to make friends in real life, and it can be hard to make friends online as well. I don't have many real life friends, so I decided I would join this website here and try to make some new ones. You may have already tried this, and I understand.

    I get that you don't want to make changes. These suggestions might not work for you if you find it hard to do anything other than what you're doing now. I suggest doing as others have said and getting a psychiatrist or a therapist, or even go to the hospital. I've done that before, and it wasn't very good for me, but I know it helped others who were there. Find someone who is a good listener. They're out there, I promise, they could just be strangers to you now, they could be old friends, they could be a professional who is trained to listen to patients.

    I'm sorry that I don't have a magic cure, I wish I did. I would use it on myself, I would use it on my friends, I would use it on strangers. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there very well could be a day where I am no longer depressed and anxious, so I try to work towards that point as much as I can.

    Bee
     
  5. Ljjgreat2017

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    I'm sorry to hear about your position in life. It is common for everyone to find themselves in a rut. I know I am probably not qualified to give advice but it is important to keep reaching out. You must talk to someone or communicate with anyone that you are feeling suicidal (which you are doing by posting on this forum). You should thank yourself for taking the time to acknowledge that you have reached out for help. Some people get to a point where life just sucks severely, and then they end up killing themselves. Your desire to continue living, despite your suicidal feelings, is an indication that you want things to get better.

    All you can really do is take life one day at a time. Don't rush for everything to be perfect. Be content with where you are, but still try to make progress everyday.

    If you are feeling suicidal or you're going through a hard time, please: send me a PM, or talk to the National Suicide Hotline. They will assist you in helping you feel better about your problems. Your problems matter and so do you.

    I'm glad that you are reaching out for help. Please keep reaching out for help.

    I wish you luck in your life.
     
    #5 Ljjgreat2017, Mar 28, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2017
  6. raspberry

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    Sending loads of love, Basketcase. I hope you're okay.

    Life is worth it. I promise. I've been where you are before, so I can say that it is 100% worth it, and even if it feels like it will never get better, it will.

    It's great that you've reached out like this, and really hope you feel you can continue to do so.

    Please don't feel you're being a bad person at all for being depressed - people have depression for all sorts of reasons, and you are not to blame for having depression.

    Please see your GP about your feelings, as you can get mental healthcare on the NHS. Take care. (*hug*)
     
  7. BasketCase

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    First of all, thank you to everyone that responded, no one had to but you guys did.

    I wish I could say what I had been feeling had totally passed but it hasn't and I don't see it doing so. I've talked to people, professionals, in the past and I don't think I can do so again. I can't solve my problems with them. I can't talk to family or friends either.

    My existence is so utterly futile and pointless. I tried to overdose the night before I started my second year of High School, not realising that the amount of paracetamol I took would barely cure a headache, I wish it had succeeded.