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Advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bearheart, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. bearheart

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    Hi to all,
    It has been a while since I posted here, I'm currently having a series of serious life changing events. Things have evolved really fast in the past few months. I'm almost separated from my wife: sleeping in a separate bedroom, rarely talk with her, and sometimes I spend a few nights in a rental apartment. My kids are resentful of the situation which is expected, but I'm working slowly with them. The reason for my divorce plans are not sexual in the first degree (they are definitely a factor), they are due to years of abusive relationship that I sustained for the sake of my kids but couldn't handle it any more. I'm holding off actual divorce because my daughter is getting married this summer and she begged me to wait until after she's all done .. and I agreed.

    My issue is, I started chatting with a man since about 5 months ago, we skyped for a few times too. Nothing sexual but all getting to know each other and share some of our stories. He is in the late 50s (older than me), and is completely out. I found myself attracted to him (I'm not sure how he feels about me), during those 5 months we almost chatted daily, then we skyped weekly for about 4-5 times at least. I came out to him after our first skype session. We share a lot of commonalities, since we share the same profession and both of our chatting profiles indicated that sex is not our primary objective and that connecting intellectually is what we both seek.

    Last weekend, I felt the need to get away from home and I suggested to him that I'm going to drive to meet him in person, he welcomed the idea. He lives in another state and the drive is about 6hrs long. I did meet him on Saturday and he was one of the nicest and sweetest persons I've ever met. He was a true gentleman. He took me for a tour of his town then out to dinner. We spent a total of 4 hours together. He finally drove me back to my hotel and suggested to me to meet him and a lesbian couple friends of his at breakfast the following day and I agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and business cards. The following day I spent 2 hours with them at breakfast and they were all very respectful and extremely friendly. I was out to them too, name, what I do for work, where I live and so on.

    When time came for me to leave, we said goodbye, hugged briefly (him as well as the other ladies), and I drove back home. He asked me to let him know when I arrive safely and I did call him when I arrived, thanked him about the good time I spent and that I enjoyed the company.

    Now I obviously am very attracted to him (I think about him all the time and I have a smile on my face when I do), and I bet that it showed during our meeting. He is a little slow on initiating a call/text. For example, since Sunday night he did not call or text me till today (Tuesday night), I feel like an inpatient teenage girl that has a crush. But is he attracted to me? is he holding back because he knows that I'm in the middle of a larger issue with my family? he doesn't want to have any false hopes? I have a ton of questions, but I feel that he likes me, or else what would make him keeping in touch for that long? or is he just sympathetic? trying to help?

    Any input would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. bearheart

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    Wow .. I kind of expected some input/comments/questions to run a bit of a conversation. I feel lost at the moment, I'm new to this whole seeing someone and being myself thing and any reply would be great.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    Dating while in the early stages of coming out is usually timulteous because you are still in early gay adolescence (you said that you feel like a teenage girl with a crush), so expect a bumpy ride and proceed with caution.

    Given what you've written, there appears to be some interest on his part. It's hard to conclude how much interest from what you've posted. Relationships in the gay world don't map neatly to straight ones, so I see these as possibilities
    • He wants to be platonic friends
    • He wants to be FWB
    • He wants to date you non-exclusively
    • He wants to date you exclusively
    Given that you aren't separated, aren't out, and the distance, some gay guys might not want to date you. I can't tell if that's the case here or not. So it's possible that he's laying the groundwork for a future relationship.

    Given that there's 6 hours distance between you, what do you want to happen?

    I'm assuming that you have stopped sexual relations with your wife and that she knows that you plan to divorce given the state of being almost separated. If not, best not to pursue at this time.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    What is his relationship status? Is he single, separated, or partnered?

    PS - I agree with Lex's suggestion that you should reach out to him, rather than speculating about how he feels, once you know what you want to happen.
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Feb 8, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2017
  5. Lexington

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    Well, here's the thing. You seem to be at a loss as to what this guy wants. Do you think the guy has any idea what YOU want? Because if you want something to happen, the best thing you can do is take steps to potentially make it happen.

    So here's my suggestion. This might be best done via e-mail, if you two use that method of communication at all. This just gives you a chance to lay everything out without having to break it into text-sized portions.

    Let him know how much fun you had during that weekend. Mention that you'd love to get together again sometime. Then, go for broke. "Actually, if you'd have any interest in being something more than just friends, I'd definitely be interested in that, as well." This lets him know precisely where you stand. You'd be interested in getting going beyond mere friendship, but if that's not something that interests him, you're willing to stick to being platonic friends, as well. This gives him the opening for him to say exactly what HE feels about you two.

    Lex
     
  6. bearheart

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    First of all thanks a lot for replying and for your insight. I personally am frightened, but would love to live with someone like him. Distance might be problematic but i think that this is something that can be discussed. I did stop sexual relationship with my wife months ago. And she knows well that we'll be divorced once my daughter is married.

    I'm trying to get into a more experienced therapist with LGBT issues than the one I'm seeing now. This might help.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    Being frightened is quite normal. You are potentially going to be intimate with this gentleman (or someone else) in ways that are very new both physically and emotionally because you will have no secrets with him. When you are in the closet, you protect your true self with a wall. When you are with another guy, dropping the wall and being yourself can be very scary. It will take some time to work through this. When things get intimate, pace yourself and have faith things will be OK. If this guy is as amazing as your posts indicate, he'll help guide you through the process.

    My advice was going to be basically what Lex posted. Instead of waiting for him to make the move, you should reach out to him and say that you are interested in more. Be sure to take things step by step, so don't open with the idea that you want to move in with him. Use the script that Lex posted and let the guy know that you are interested in more. This will give him a chance to tell you how he feels about you and the situation.

    Another approach would be to see him again and give him a kiss. This is probably a scarier option, but it is another possibility.

    Finding an LGBT therapist (or one with LGBT experience) is a great idea. I would also vet the idea of seeing someone with your divorce lawyer to understand the legal risks of doing so while married in your state and understand the ground rules (going Dutch, no lavish gifts, etc.)

    HTH
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Feb 8, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2017
  8. bearheart

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    Thanks Lex for your input I would definitely work on this. I just got an appointment tomorrow with the new therapist, I'll try to take it easy, step by step. I personally feel way better when I talk to him face to face rather than email/text, especially on those issues. But I'll craft some text to at least help myself with saying it!

    ---------- Post added 8th Feb 2017 at 03:53 PM ----------

    I might be able to do it .. but I think that I'll have a heart attack if I did! It'll be great though .. a great way to have a heart attack! I was very awkward hugging him, which he initiated a couple of times .. and this is with my middle eastern background of hugging and kissing men on the cheeks as a straight culture!
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    Gay friends will often hug and kiss each other as a form of greeting or goodbye. It's also possible that he's using your response as a gauge of your interest in him. So if you were reticent, he might proceed cautiously.

    Hopefully you'll move the conversation forward, either via email, via a phone call, or in person. If you do it in person, then you might even want to go for that kiss if the conversation seems positive. If any of this scares you, see the quote in my sig from Joseph Campbell.

    Do you know for a fact that he's 100% single? It's not uncommon for partnered guys to have relationships on the side, which can be disconcerting initially for guys coming from straight marriages. Not clear that's the case here.

    Good luck and let us know how things go!
     
  10. r2de2baca

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    my advice is this:

    does he like you? ask him
    do you like him? if so tell him
    do you want to kiss him? if so initiate a kiss the next time you see him again
    do you want to see him again? if so ask him when is the next time he is available for a weekend visit
    is it normal for a delay in calls and texts by a few days? yes

    caution: you are newly coming into your own gayness. sometimes during this stage we latch onto the first guy that we feel a connection with. we idealized him. he is perfect in our eyes. we become infactuated like a high school crush....why??? its because we have never expereinced this before wth a guy. we are older. we waited this long.. so this must be it! it must be right! it must be him! he is awesome! the truth is he is just a regular guy and we are projecting years of pent up desire and longing and hope and previous missed opportunities onto one guy that seems magical now that we are coming out of our shells. but remember he is just a guy and he can be a nice as homemade apple pie but trust me he is flawed like we all are. be careful not to idealize because when the reality starts peeking through the rose colored glasses, you wont know how to deal.accept that he is a nice guy and you feel a good chemistry so far but it could or could not turn like you want it and you need to be ok with that now. even though its 5months of tele-dating, you can meet someone in person and the chemistry may or may not be there. this could be the case with him and you. pump the brakes and just feel it out but dont put all your eggs on his supple basket.
     
  11. SorcererRoland

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    It sounds like you have a great foundation for wherever this goes. Having an intellectual connection can have a powerful impact. Finding this connection is hard even if someone is out and he may want you just as much as you want him for that reason. Also, as someone who has been out for a while and a little jaded I would like to think that maybe he is acting like an impatient schoolgirl with a crush too (it is possible). Perhaps it is the romantic side in me knowing that I could experience puppy dog love even after being out of the closet for as long as I have with someone in your situation. Be cautious but I hope it works out for you.
     
  12. bearheart

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    First of all thank you for your input. I understand it takes courage to step forward into a relationship. I have to do it sooner or later .. and for him, I'm holding myself back a bit due to my whole marriage collapse going on, I don't want to hurt his feelings in any way.

    He is single, he had a relationship for several years with another guy but he left him and got married, they're still friends. But he is not partnered with anyone for sure.

    ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2017 at 12:49 PM ----------

    You made it so simple .. thanks.


    Thanks a lot for this caution, and although I totally understand how things work but at this stage, as you mentioned, the heart takes over the brain! it's nice to a reminder every now and then.

    ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2017 at 12:55 PM ----------

    Thanks a lot for your insight, I felt that he started this way .. but damn my nature .. I pushed him a little back, when we talked about relationships in general, I mentioned that I'm still a married man and that I still have some work to do to straighten my life up. I might look like I'm holding myself very well in front of him .. but I'm a mess from inside .. much weaker than a little girl with a crush as I mentioned earlier!
     
  13. SorcererRoland

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    That is very kind of you to be concerned about hurting him. You have empathy and real courage which you are mistaking for weakness. You are staying married because your daughter asked you to and that shows great consideration on your part. You put up with abuse to be there for your kids which my dad did as well and that is very admirable. Regardless of what happens you deserve a gentle sweet man to be in a relationship with and you deserve to find that person which, again, I hope you already have and, if not, I hope you do. You need to see that you are being courageous more than you may ever realize.
     
    #13 SorcererRoland, Feb 12, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2017
  14. bearheart

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    Thanks a lot for your nice and supportive words.:slight_smile:
     
  15. bearheart

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    Quick update.
    I couldn't meet the guy since I visited him. But since we exchanged phone numbers, we text/talk almost on a weekly basis. I'm planning to meet him in about a week, we'll meet half way (so we'll both travel between 2 and 4 hours).

    I did have the chance to send him a thank you gift via mail, and he sent me a text message expressing that he was pleased with it .. thanked me. I did include customize a gift for his own interest/passion, and he appreciated that.

    I've been planning to tell him about how I feel towards him, as a friend and as more than a friend too. So, I'm currently gathering my courage to face the consequences, positive or negative.

    I've been struggling with my emotions lately, huge ups and downs, with a lot going on between the handling my marriage and feeling for someone. I live in separation from my wife, either in a separate room in the house or in my small apartment. Trying to spend less time with her, but at the same time not letting my kids feel the separation as much as I can. I have a ton of questions that run through my mind every day which is extremely exhausting, but I think that the main issue that is of greatest concern with me is my new relationship with this guy. Still, I'm not that convinced that he is just a "crush" or a reaction to my separation, since I've been contacting other guys (chatting) for years, but never felt that close to anyone like this guy before. I think that time will only confirm my feelings.

    I'll try to keep you all posted on any updates .. I do appreciate your input.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    You are assimilating a lot of changes at once (separation, new parenting cadence, and potential/budding relationship), so the emotional roller coaster is normal (well, to be expected). Certainly things will get easier over time once everyone in the family gets used to these changes and you get clarity on your relationship.

    Was there a specific question you need help with?
     
  17. bearheart

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    I appreciate your reply, and thank you SF, I was venting a bit here, but I'm sure I'll have many questions that I need to answer myself first, I need to understand myself and the origins of my feelings .. I'm in a confused state right now, while I know exactly who I am, but a part of me is frightened of my new venture .. exciting but scary!
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    A roller coaster of emotions is very typical for someone who is in the early stages of coming out and discovering their sexuality. As I posted previously in this thread, being frightened about the prospect of being physically and emotionally intimate with another man is also typical. I know that saying strong emotions is typical doesn't provide prescriptive guidance on how to handle these feelings. Based on my own experience before connecting with my first real BF, I would speculate that these feelings stem from a combination of uncertainty and latent internalized homophobia. The best way to address these feelings is to gain confidence and overcome the fear through action (meeting up with the guy). In the meantime, perhaps reviewing this blog might help you understand some of your feelings -Healing the shame of being gay

    HTH
     
  19. bearheart

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    That is definitely inspiring SF. Thank you. Breaking the emotions down the way you did as well as providing practical ways of working to improve oneself made it clearer to me that I'm moving to the right direction. Thank you.
     
  20. bearheart

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    Finally I met him face to face this weekend. Although the result of confronting him wasn't as I would have liked it to be, but I did tell him how I felt towards him, and did tell him that I value his friendship and would like it to grow strong and that I also am looking for building a long term strong relationship and not merely something based on sex. He replied that he didn't expect this conversation and that he considers me as a close friend and as a brother and that he doesn't share any "amorous" feelings towards me but showed all respect and commended my attitude. He also stressed that this won't change anything in our relationship as friends.

    Although I'm disappointed and heart broken, and of course shed some tears when I'm alone, but something in me is still in hope that things would change and that he is respectful of my situation as a married man in an emotional crisis and that he doesn't want to take advantage of it. And another part in me is telling me to just keep him as a friend, platonic one-sided love (I've experienced that with a straight friend of mine earlier in my life, never told him about it though), and that he is not probably the right person to be my special man. Mixed feelings and a lot of emotions going through my heart and brain to easily process .. a minute I'm smiling in satisfaction that I had the courage to confront him and that I have one less thing to worry about (anxiety of knowing how he feels about me) and the other minute a swarm of emotions and tears for feeling the loss of something that could have been the most beautiful thing that happens to me.

    I don't know what to say or how I'm going to feel a week from now, but I've never had this experience before and it is painful, confusing, satisfying, pitiful, gratifying, heart breaking, and shitty as hell! at 51 years old, I thought I've reached a maturity level that would prevent me from experiencing those feelings .. but this is another lesson for me.