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Help! How do you figure this stuff out.. 36 yo Female veryyy confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Foreverwonderin, Apr 23, 2017.

  1. Foreverwonderin

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    36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hi guys thank you to anyone who is kind enough to take time to read this.
    I am a 36 years young female.(!)
    I have 3 young beautiful children twins (6) amd baby (1) and an amazing boyfriend. I have had a hard few months, recently after losing my beautiful mum (56) to cancer. And dad we sadly lost a few
    years ago suddenly to.
    Were a good old Irish family im the elsest and the youngest is 18 whom we are all supporting best we can.. were supper close and are managing and supporting each other emotionally? and all is well thus far.
    I have my own business and my 3 babies so you can imagine life is hectic on a good day lol :roflmao:
    I am explaining this as i wonder is the current situation anything to do with the fact i think i am a lesbian...
    Its something i have always thought i wasnt!!!

    i have always been very attracted to woman and lately prefer woman to men if i was watching porn with my partner (we have all.did that right?) Its only lesbian porn works for me. If there is a man on the scene i cant watch it... ive only ever liked lesbian porn for last 10 years..

    Ive kissed a couple of girls through out my life. Ive always been content thinking i was Bi?? But now i find myself thinking about woman and being with a woman sexually emotionally ...
    I feel like i like the idea of having a girlfriend but dont like the idea of being on the actual gay scene... it frightens me?? I feel intimidated ?
    I mean i feel like im now only attracted to woman, as the thoughts of a man sexually does absolutely nothing for me. I dont like it.. i can loom at a hot guy an admire him but sexually i wouldn't want him near me..
    I have got so confused and started to struggle that i have even pulled back from my partner. I cant bear to have him near me the thoughts of sex with him really makes me feel stressed out. I dont like thoughts of it.. Not that hes pushy or anything, but i find myself cringe , even when he hugs me????


    I mean what ia wrong with me? And i am a reaslist so....
    I have thought to myself am "i coming out" or is this just something triggered by recent events ?? I have felt a strong attraction to woman for years.. but i thought all bi woman did??
    ive only recently started to meet woman(in everday life i mean) like in all different places, and even found 1 that started to flirt with me.. it took a few times of going to this 1 shop to be sure. But this girl def flirts with me. I dont act on it. But i do feel it. Its like ... why all of a sudden am i in tune with this kind of stuff Or is it that i long for a females touch so bad im imagining it.. or is this my sexual identity coming through?? It doesn't kind of surprise me in a sense... as i have always found woman attractive.. but i am so confused as ro why i feel like this..
    What is coming out? How does it make you feel?
    Why all of a sudden do i feel like this? Is that i have had the clues all along and felt to scared to acknowledge them. Worried about what people might think or ??
    I feel under enough pressure at the minute and then boom like a bolt of lightening i have this on my conscience..
    Im so sorry the way this is wrote im really shit at explaining things lol
    I would love to talk to anyone on similar situation im.open tp any advice..
    I feel so bad at the minute an so depressed an racked with guilt even though i have absolutely nothing worng on my partner.. feel like the future is scary terrified of losing what i have i mean my home my family my security..
    My own family are so cool if i spoke to them i know they would be fine.. i have spoken to my sister whos also my best friend and she thinks i should sleep with a woman beforw i risk losing everything.. but even that makes me feel dishonest and wrong.. as i would never condone any type of affair ..
    I really would love aome advice an be so greatful for any advice.. am i doing mad? Lol what is wrong with me? :smilewave
     
  2. Foreverwonderin

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    Hi
    Thankyou anyone who takes the time t read this ...
    I am 36 years young..
    I have 3 children and a wonderful fiance,
    I have recently lost my lovely mum (56) to cancer and my dad i lost a few years ago suddenly to, I am the oldest of 6 kids, the youngest is 18.
    Were extremely close given recent events and support each other emotionally best we can and so far so good,

    life is hectic with 3 kids and also working for myself, and my mum passed a month ago today.
    I have always had some sort of attraction to woman for the last 10 years, in some shape or form its always been there..
    I prefer f&F porn always have.
    I have always thought about sex with woman and wanted to do it, i have kissed girls in the past an nothing more as the situation didnt arise... sadly..
    I have always been comfortable thinking im Bi...

    Lately i have started to notice woman more, and noticed when there either bi or lesbian? and flirting with me?
    I have no idea how this all of a sudden has started.. or if its in my head....
    I started to get hit on by the girl in my local store and on another occasion last week i caught another girl smiling at me really weird... i thought i was imaging it and i looked backed an she winked and i was like wtf... is happening??

    Is it i want to be with a woman so bad and am imagining this or what ??
    I have started to cringe when my man comes near me, i make any excuse i can not to have sex with him. as the thoughts of it makes me cringe??
    Im finding
    i am admiring woman every were i go , im like oh shes hot or shes cute,
    I have even imagined being in relationship with a woman and having that friendship and connection and amazing touch of another woman..

    However the thoughts of the "lesbian scene" scares the shit out of me.
    I dont feel i want to be on that scene not because there is anything wrong with it, not at all... but because, it makes me feel intimidated?? why i have no idea !!
    why am i even imaging the lesbian scene?

    I have a home, a buisness, and 3 young children. And due to get married next April,
    I am terrified of losing this or being on my own and not able to financially suport us, or losing something solid and safe, and then regretting it and being consumed by guilt for letting my 3 young children down.

    And i do not know why, i have not done anything wrong, i have not had an affair or anything..
    which i have thought about ... I thought what if i try sex with a woman and see if its what i want then come clean to my partner?
    this is obviously selfish and awfu,l to think of doing, and i dont think i could be that dishonest anyway.

    The male sex just does nothing for me no more, I am so confused ,
    what is wrong with me?
    I have spoke to my sister about it ads shes my bets friend and very supportive and she thinks i starting to come out???
    I have no idea what is wrong in my mind right now thats why i am saying about my mothers death.
    Has it sparked something or is it masking something? how does this stuff go??

    Im all over the place and managing best i can and doing ok ish..
    But please anyway with any advice how to figure this stuff out please fee free to reply as i feel lost and alone but so grateful i have found this website it seems an amazing resource.
    thankyou guys
    D x
     
  3. OED27x

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hey there, welcome to EC. No, you are not going crazy. I've realized that most of us think we are crazy when we are going through this!

    But you have had a lot of transition in your life. The death of a mother is a significant life change. And you mentioned you are only a few years out from your father's passing. So, you are now adjusting to this new place in your life. You are also the oldest of your siblings and a mom to young children. That is a lot to handle.

    In my opinion, from my own experiences, major life events certainly do make us, or allow us to view our lives from a different perspective. We may reassess things. We are changed people. We evolve.

    In my case, I have always known I had a draw towards women. I have considered myself bi for many years, in fact told my mom this about 5 or 6 years ago. But I was in a monogamous, committed relationship for most of my adult life that I put 100% effort in, I think to the point where I did not put enough effort into myself. Throughout this relationship I felt something off. I was supported and stable and loved, but communication was beyond a struggle, physical attraction and sex was always off, the level of emotional intimacy was not enough for me.

    Anyway, my mom died suddenly about 4 years ago. I had just had a baby and was still on maternity leave when that happened. I am an only child with no father around, so it was on me to handle everything. While cleaning out her house and getting it ready to sell, I herniated a disc really bad in my back and had to have surgery! I quit my job to focus on the kids. We sold our house to move to a new neighborhood with more kids. I got involved in my sons school which allowed me to make lots of new friends. All of this, I feel contributed to a shift in me which allowed my same sex attractions to be stronger! I was viewing life in a new way. My marital relationship started weakening.

    So, my point is that perhaps all of the change you have experienced has contributed to an awakening or strengthening of your sexual/romantic orientation.

    This is a great place to work out some feelings in a non-judge mental environment, so keep posting. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Foreverwonderin

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hi
    Thankyou for your reply..
    I am so sorry about your mum and hardship.. but you seemed to power on through and fair play to you.
    You got proactive.
    I do feel better having read that. Few things you say seem to ring true with me. Like figuring out orientation. Things have contributed to an "Awakening" in me.
    I think i have neen so ficused on life and other people i have not noriced my own needs. When it comes to my family i am selfless i adore them and dp what i can for them..
    I really need to gigure this stuff out last thing i want to do is hurt my kids or anyone else.
    Thankyou for your time
    Lind regards
    D x
     
  5. AlexJames

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    You can know your sexuality without ever having been in a relationship or been with a woman. I do, and i'm a total virgin and i've never even dated. I'm not gonna date till i'm out, which i have tentative plans for. For me, it took a lot of self reflection and talking on here and really thinking about shit before i could admit to myself i liked girls, and even more before i could admit to myself i was definetally gay. Cause i mean...i could date a guy and have a purely romantic, friendly relationship with him but there would be no sexual attraction there and i think not only would that be unfair to the guy but to me as well, because even if its low i do have a sex drive. If you wanna talk just post on my wall. I mean normally i'm more detailed but its like 9am and i'm eating breakfast so i'm not awake yet. Sorry if this doesn't make complete sense and is a bit jumbled.
     
  6. Worker Bee

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hi there. I'm Cam. Welcome to EC.

    The people here are friendly and supportive and it's a great place to discover who you are in a safe and accepting environment.

    First of all there is nothing wrong with you. You are simply human like all of us. And for those of us that put others first a lot of issues, feelings etc get put aside, shoved into our subconscious or completely suppressed. And it can take something like an illness or recovering from an injury that grants us the time to question what certain things mean or a significant event in our life to take stock and assess things.

    You may well be a lesbian only you can say that for sure. Unlike your sister I believe you can work it out without the need of testing the waters. And I understand how you feel about the gay scene. Perhaps you can find a group for lgbt+ women nearby that you could go to as a start.
    I know you are worried about hurting people particularly your children but please remember that if you stay as you currently are and get depressed etc they will pick up on it and similarly if you decide to explore this part of you they will also recognise that you are happier.

    You do deserve to be happy too.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hey welcome to EC. I dont have any specific experience from your situation but I also disagree with your sister I dont think sleeping with a woman would be a good idea whilst still in your current relationship. Firstly as you say it is dishonest and just because you are trying to figure things out doesnt make cheating and less wrong. Secondly if you do come to the conclusion that you are a lesbian and you leave your current partner I am sure he will be hurt enough without knowing you cheated on him as well. Secondly having a one night stand or relationship on the side is not neccessarily a good reflection on what its like to be in a lesbian relationship. I identify as gay and am in a long term relationship but even if I was single I dont think I would get any enjoyment out of a one night stand or friends with benefits arrangement.

    As for not wanting to be a part of the gay scene, I dont think you should worry about that it is really not important unless you want it. I am not and never have been part of the scene, there are other ways to meet people and your friends dont have to change even if you identify as gay.

    As the others have said only you can actually know whether you are gay or bi. It is possible that your desire for women is so great because its what you dont have but then perhaps you would expect to still have some sexual desire for men. Talking to people on EC is a great way to work through your feelings and thoughts.

    Oh and there is definitely nothing wrong with you, you will be surprised how many other people are or have been in similar situations.
     
    #7 silverhalo, Apr 23, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2017
  8. Foreverwonderin

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    @nerdbynature

    Thank you for your time..
    Your so right on borh sides of the specttum..
    Stay
    Become frustrated, resentful, and regretfully angry.. (which isnt me) im a head on kind off girl. I dont tend to brush stuff under carpet.. hence this mindset and feelings have caught me completely of guard..
    My typical form.. is usually upbeat funny ourgoing.. so i cant deal with this situation as it feels like a bit of a downer.. and so obvious to others ive something on my mind..
    Im glad you say about testing the waters .. you are totally right .. its definitely not
    The way to figure myself out.. its not in my nature either.. and having an affair as means of "insursnce" is terrible idea...
    I must look online for groups an stuff i dont know what exactly i will find i doubt the lgbt community do coffee mornings lol but definitely a better idea than the 1st idea lol
    I am.sure i will be able to make some friends in this area that can give me advice on the benefit of there own experience like you lovely people on here..
    I feel like i am to-ing and fro-ing between .. i cant deal with this right now to ... i have to deal with this right or it will escalate.. lol
    I would love to hear other peoples "admission" or "coming out to themselves stories
    Thanks so much for the advice, appreviated
    D x

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2017 at 07:27 AM ----------

    Hi
    @silverhalo
    Thanks you make a great point.. about one night stand or friends with benefits etc.. I am generally a "what uou see is what you get kind if girl.. so the affair thing is def not me and i can confirm won't happen.. i wouldn't be prepared to let myself down let alone my poor fiance..
    I think ita good point about the woman and nor having... but ur totally on piont i have absolutely no sexual drsire for men.. it repulses me lol i just dont get how i can go from this to that in a matter of months... hence i feel so thrown off by it..
    I feel reassured having read your reply thank you so much i do truly appreciate your time.
    D x
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Sometimes I think thats just how it hits you. I was never in a relationship with a guy but I didnt figure out my sexuality until I was in my mid twenties. I was never really into guys but at the same time I didnt look at girls and want to jump into bed with them so to me it was never obvious. I alway put my lack of interest in guys down to being shy and quiet and very unconfident, as well as just getting on with my studies. Men didnt repulse me, I could tell you which I found most attractive (although if I had ever got close to one maybe I would have been repulsed). So when I finally had a brainwave that I might be gay it completely stopped me in my tracks and also made me feel so stupid, like how could it have been staring me in the face all this time and I had never even considered it. So dont worry it happens for many many reasons. Society conditions us to assume we are straight, when we meet people we are assumed straight. Sometimes like you say you can be concentrating on sorting everyone else out rather than yourself.

    Sexuality is straightforward in that you can help or influence what who you do and dont like but on the other hand so confusing and difficult and complicated. Try not to be too hard on yourself you cant help how you feel.
     
  10. Foreverwonderin

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    Hi
    Good morning lol
    I get what your saying there is no definative way you need to go about to know your gay lesbian or what ever.. you just know it comes in time and with self reflection and space to think to realise.
    Which is were i am at i think.. i think .. yes im scared for many reasons but also why not be true to oneself and handle it best i can and thoughtful of other people involved and omg yes does it help talking to you fine people on here lol i am.so glad i got up this morning an thought ok time to figure this shit outtt lol
    Thankyou foe your reply
    D x
     
  11. Mysteria

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    Re: Help! How do you figure this stuff out... 36 yo Female veryyy confused

    Hi,
    Don't have a ton of advice (ok, don't have any really) but I wanted to post and say hi and just let you know you're not alone. I'm a separated but not fully divorced 36 year old with kids, and I've had my exploration triggered by a crisis too. Although in my case, I can look back and see that it's been there since my teens it wasn't overwhelming enough to keep me from having a happy marriage.

    I think we know what a big adjustment coming out would be for our children and we want to spare them that. Especially if you're wondering what if you're wrong and for some reason you've imagined all this. Sometimes it can feel like I've imagined all this, but then I wonder why in the world I would do something like that? Straight people don't just dream up attractions to the same sex. At least I haven't met one who does.

    This board has been great. You might also enjoy the book "Living Two Lives: Married Women who love women" (you can get it on Kindle if you don't want to order a book that someone might see).
     
  12. Foreverwonderin

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    Hi
    @kunoichi
    Thanks for reply.. im a bit confused by your reply.. do you mean you would not come out as you would not want to upset your children? I totally get what your saying as thats my biggest fear to but i feel if i am not true to myself the resentment will fester an be worse as a result in the ling run.. then i think .. like you, ok am i imagining this lol but like you say why would a true straight person imagine such things??? And like you this is something i have had for a long time to when i look back... i am actually going to download that book now.. i love a good read lol an have a kindle to lol thanks so much .. appreciated
    D x
     
  13. birobigenausex

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    Although I have a slightly different orientation from what you think you are, I went through a phase with the father of my child, where I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if we could split living expenses and child care responsibilities down the middle, and remain friends who live together for the child while seeing other people?". Just something I thought I'd share, since you sound so worried about breaking up your family.
     
    #13 birobigenausex, Apr 23, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2017
  14. Foreverwonderin

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    Hi
    @birobi

    Really ? Im intrigued so much. And does this situation work for you both?
    I mean sounds fantastic in theory.. its my only weight at the minute (the kids) i have twins 6 and baby 1 so i am trying to filter there feelings an well being into this to more so than just up am leave .. start a new life and suit myself..if that makes sense..
    Thanks so much for your reply
    D x
     
  15. birobigenausex

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    It never happened with the father of my child and I, but not because we couldn't have conducted ourselves amicably. There was a lot of other factors involved, like courts and alcoholism in our situation. But I think it would have been a great scenerio. I even proposed the idea to him through a private investigator and then he came to court. But the government was too strong.
     
  16. Mysteria

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    Yes, I mean one of the barriers for me coming out (or even coming out to myself) would be my children's reaction. We have raised them very conservatively, and they seem to have embraced those beliefs.
    But like you said, I look at all that's gone on in the last couple of years and how things have been and I think things would be quite different had I been more honest with myself and maybe a little more selfish.
     
  17. Foreverwonderin

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    Thanks for all the advixe its truly great to talk isnt it..
    Some great ideas ive jad to ponder.. like stay an try work living together but separate lives.. for kids sake..
    Or being myself grabbing bull by horns and making the transition now knowing how hard it will be and just get it over with.. such a gamble i really dont know if i am cut out for it.. i nean ive never even properly been with another female.. but know its what i want its what feels right ti me. Ive no idea what i am goinf to so or if i do anything how to start.. were i live to would make it harder to meet other woman etc.. im slowly thinking ok this is me then i get a mad moment and say oh sweet jesus i cant do this so much to lose.. i feel up an down an all over the place its a slow motion train crash but its not getting any easier. As my finace has started to ask why im so distant an quiet an he feels like im avoiding him.. that part makes me think ok just try here se of you can make it work with him .. but then somethings pulling me back.. lol.. nightmare..
    You guys on EC are amazing thankyou keep the great advice coming it truly helps.. if i van ever advise anyone on anything i will lol
    Thanks
    D x
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Hey sorry I think I was originally commenting on your other thread.

    If it does get to the point where you think you want to speak to your other half, which if he is becoming suspicious might not be too far in the future, maybe you could try and write out what you would like to say in a type of letter, even if you read it to him. Conversations can be emotionally difficult and it can be difficult to say what you want to say.
     
  19. Foreverwonderin

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    Hi
    @silverhalo
    Great advice as always.. i have 2 threads?? Really lol talk aboit being needy lol so sorry im so new.have still to learn my way around i literally dont even knownjow to add friends lol im still learning my way about so aologies..
    Writing a letter sounds like a great idea an something i would do. If i decide to bw brave or actually figure this stuff out lol i do feel like ive made a few realizations the last week.. slowly but surely i will get There..
    So many different experiences going on with people who get it an chose what ever path there on... but thanks totally appreciate all the great advice if anyine wants to sort thr rest of my life out lol id be truly grateful lmao
    D x
     
  20. tryingtomakesen

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    Re: 36 Female.. Am I a lesbian? What is wrong with me?

    Hi, I enjoyed reading your post. I'm in the same boat as you. I've been married for a little over ten years and we have two little ones. My husband is a great man, is attractive and loves me deeply. The problem I am having goes beyond us having grown apart. For awhile now, I have not cared to be intimate with my husband. And lately all I can think about is being in a relationship with another woman. I've never kissed another woman or anything like that, but I've been thinking about that a lot too.

    I've felt like I am going crazy too. On top of those feelings, I go to school full time. So I understand to some degree the stresses you are going through. Also, I am part of a religion that does not look favorably on homosexuality. If I made that decision that I am a lesbian or even bi and acted on it, the friends that I love and care for so much would not be in my lives anymore. The alternative would be to stay in my marriage and suppress my feelings.

    I also don't want to break my husbands heart. The thought of hurting him is too much to bear at times. He's done nothing wrong. He can't help who I am attracted to. When we got married I was deeply in love with him and I could never imagine my life without him in it.

    It's all a very difficult thing to go through. I'm currently in therapy to try to figure it all out. Have you considered that? You might find it very helpful to speak to someone who you can be totally honest with. It's helping me sort through this, it might help you too.