Hello! A warning: this is gonna be long, and a bit self-centered, because I'm seeking assistance and advice. It's also a bit long-worded, so feel free to go to a different post and ignore mine at any time. The generic gist is "I have no idea how to tell if I'm just a self-hating awkward human being who maybe doesn't fall into binary categories, or if I'm actually a slightly feminine transguy. +Background +Details Any suggestions?" I know it's something that a person "needs to decide on their own" (mostly b/c they know themselves best in theory) but I'm kinda at a loss of whether I'm on the right track and ought to move forward (and if so, how, without jeopardizing the future) or if I am just trying to be noticed or whatever (I don't get that) but not really a legit transguy. Recently I've been struggling a lot with gender identity, and how I ought to go about addressing all of it. (I say recently, it's been growing within me noticeably for over a year.) I was designated female at birth, and grew up in a household of strong feminists and lots of women. I kinda grew up with an instinctual dislike for men (one hurt my mom, therefore all were bad, save, like, 3 semi-close family members). I also was very "whatever" about gender roles and expectations. My favorite color went from shades of blue to black, and I wanted to be an aeronautical engineer since I was two (while also wanting to dance, and sing). I'm not the most masculine of people, but at the same time I'm not like "hooray for makeup!" (unless it's for effects, which I haven't learned yet.) I loved being a child- I was intelligent and I think the main reason I didn't hang out with tons of guys was because I wasn't into video games or cars, but rather all the stories and books. I had male friends, until 6th grade hit and they started to ignore me or move away. Within a year, I was out of attending a physical school daily anyways, until 10th grade. Then I had kinda built up a "avoid people, and observe to see what's expected before acting" philosophy. Even my teachers were concerned because for the first few weeks each semester, I didn't talk to anybody unless spoken to, and I avoided close contact with pretty much everyone, regardless of gender. (I think this has something to do with other issues I won't get into, but basically I'm not one of those "I've always related better to boys, and all my friends as a kid were male" people.) Girls have a reputation, I think, of having self-hate and disliking their bodies, especially once puberty hits. I loved my body as a kid- it was flat, and small and I could fit under people in crowds for hiding and avoiding attention. I pretty much assume that everybody ever cursed with it in the history of planet Earth hates their menstrual cycle, so I didn't think much of that. I do, however, DESPISE my chest. it's fairly large (thank you genetics) and I have asked people for at least five years, what the purpose of a chest is- why do I need this curse, and what use will it do me? I don't plan to ever have biological children, ever, in a million years, so why do I need monthly preparation and masses of fat which only serve to produce milk (in the case that I have kids), weigh me down, get in the way, and sexualize females (one of the reasons I got a lot was "boys like them" and "use them to woo the men".) Furthermore, within the past year, I literally started feeling sick, relatively frequently, courtesy of my body just existing. I won't get into too many details because I don't like reliving it, but I basically dove into investigating it all shortly after. The more I find, the more I get confused. I hate my body, but I don't want to be this super beefed up guy either- I like the idea of being thin, and strong. I want to bind my chest, almost constantly, and now that I have a proper binder, it's all I can do to keep myself from wearing it forever. It makes me feel like I'm walking on air, and free, and that's without even leaving my bedroom. The only reason I don't wear it more often is because I don't want to wear it so constantly that I can't get top surgery if I decide that's what I want in the future. However- all of that said, I wasn't super masculine as a kid, I'm not really into sports (like, martial arts and sword fighting but aside from that, not really) but I am into health. I like to weave, I like to do all varieties of fiber arts (sewing, crochet, knitting, etc.), I like dance, I love theatre, I like to sing, I'm literally all over the place in my interests. I like hair- like I said, I love fiber arts, and hair falls into that category, I would love to make it a business. I think I would probably come across (if I fully transitioned) as flamboyantly gay. I even like fashion, though I can't do much to save myself in that regard. :bang: I debated for a while that I might be gender-fluid, and I still could be, but it doesn't quite feel accurate, mostly because I don't often embrace actually being a woman. I'm into some "feminine" things, and I actually concern myself with emotions, but I'm also logical. STEM+ Creativity and fictional stories = Me. I worry a TON about saying something like "I'm a pan, but mostly gay, man. Please refer to me as such." because of all of the hate that I've seen and heard of feminine guys getting (even without being trans). I really don't know how to approach this, and there's not a ton I feel like I can do, because of finances and the place I live is not very accepting of LGBT+ people, so while I know certain people will be fine with it, if it gets farther than that, dangers emerge and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle that yet. Another note, I want to go into a musical theatre and performing arts career- meaning my body is fairly crucial to the career. I just got rejected from the program (no they are not directly correlated) for MT next year, so I figure attacking this, figuring it out NOW is great because then, if I need to, I can go to classes next year, as a freshman, get started on the whole process of transitioning, and then be prepared to enter the program as a fantastic male performer, OR just settle for doing a degree in backstage tech work, and then in a few years I might actually be prepared to succeed in the MT program. As a "musical theatre boy" (that's a song btw) rather than an awkward blob that can't get gender off of their mind long enough to do proper warm-ups for a dance class. (Also really quick- this program IS in the same area, which means I would still have the geographical culture to deal with, but it's a fairly open and friendly campus, and the degrees I'm looking at also seem to be the most open on campus. It's the only place I can go, anyways- thanks to the a fore mentioned lack of funds). I'd like to take this time for everyone who read this far, and sifted through the rambling of a confused (and possibly crazy) person. Suggestions are seriously welcome, and I apologize that this was just a massive wall of text.:help:
High five fellow STEM person! Integrals are the purpose of my life No no, you don't sound crazy at all, confused if anything. Did I get it right that the reason why you question your gender is that you don't feel right with your body? You seem to describe yourself as a fairly androgynous person.
Wow gotta say that was a long story. I can relate pretty much. But if you ask me, your hobbies doesn't matter when it comes to gender. You can do whatever you want no matter what gender you are. It's just social pressure which makes you feel you shouldn't do this and that because you're man/ woman. You can for example use make up even if you are a guy, all depends on you. I too mainly had only male friends but I wouldn't use it as an indicator. Some girls just go better with male friends. It's not about all those stuff if you ask me. Do you prefer male or female role? How are you imaginating yourself after 10 years from today? What will make you really happy if you exclude society pressure? You don't need to push yourself. Take time to discover what really suits you. Every conclusion you will come to is correct because it would be who you are. Getting hate from people sucks, however you can't prevent it. I simply ignore them because people who needs to insult someone just for who he/ she is are pretty under my lvl. Also I' m sure you can find some supportive people too. And no you're not a freak. Having doubts or being afraid Is pretty normal and definetly a sign of sanity xd. I wish you good luck, you will be succesfull in MT program whatever gender you are trust me
High five! The worst part about my love for STEM is that I'm really bad at science and math, despite loving them. Sadly I never made it to integrals (though I'm taking a math class again, FINALLY, next year, so I'm really excited for that.) Yes, the purpose for my questioning is that my body is not designed to my advantage. I am strongly considering that I might be androgynous (I thought "if I could be flatly-androgynous, that would rock"about four years ago, but my mom was like, "don't be stupid, you're a beautiful young lady" and I forgot about it, till you mentioned it. I don't really know anything about androgyny, though. Mostly I think gender-roles are irrelevant and pointless on all accounts except biological reproduction. Ten years from now, I see myself on the road (hopefully with a theatre company, or travelling between sets for television shows or a movie). I don't "prefer" male or female roles? I feel like gender roles are generally stupid, especially in today's overpopulated society. If I had to pick it would be like, strong women, and men who fall into the flamboyant stereotype. I think the latter because I like creative people anyways, and people who can be themselves around the box people are building around them are even better. If society didn't have these pressures, then I don't know. I might not care, but I also wouldn't be afraid to bind. Thank you both for the suggestions and support. (I'm amazed anyone took the time to read the post, lol.)
My pleasure reading it I like your attitude, you seem like nice and smart person. To me you sound more like a GenderQueer but that's just my point of view. Anyway good luck
You don't have to fit in the stereotypical molds of masculinity. You might be GQ, but then again, you can STILL identify as feminine but be a trans guy. There's really no wrong way about it. You're definitely GQ though
Of course you could be anything, but I agree that you have an in-betweener vibe to me. Not that you couldn't fake a vibe, but you seem to be at peace with a neither-and-both label, and you think gender roles are irrelevant. To me they are irrelevant too, but I somehow gravitate to masculine gender roles and masculinity, men are somehow more relatable to me, all that out of nowhere, and this is what led me to question my gender. You also don't try to use gender roles to convey your identity. Of course what you want or prefer your body to be, or what body you feel comfortable in, doesn't have to depend on any of those, it's up to you. The transgender umbrella is a whole lot of things. By the way, I've read somewhere that creative people have to be both independent and sensitive, which is have both masculine and feminine traits correspondingly. It makes a lot of sense to me. Hm, you're always left with home repair, tinkering and the such, and with games, and coding, it's still technical and fun, but you don't need a single integral or differential to do it
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and my attitude (I'm not quite sure what you mean, but thank you nonetheless). You seem like a nice person as well. Lol. Thanks. I do think gender roles are irrelevant, and you're right that I don't put all my stock of someone's identity and worth into their gender. Also, I wouldn't say I'm at peace- It's like a massive logic problem that I can't figure out the answer to (I don't even know if there is one) and I am too stubborn to let it go (even if I tried, I doubt I could.) I have some of the variables (like dysphoria, and interests), but there are still too many unknown factors to come to a solid, fool-proof conclusion. When you say you gravitate to masculine gender roles, what do you mean? Like, all the stereotypical masculine things, and thus guys in general, or did I misinterpret? As for the creative people, that does make a ton of sense, but I'd never heard/read it put that way before. Currently my plan is to do engineering in a theatre setting- things like set design, costume design (especially the ones that involve "magic"), making a character fly over the audience, or shattering glass without people going blind (or the company going broke).I also had a lot of fun taking apart tiny VEX kit engines while still taking engineering classes (of course, that wasn't what we were supposed to be doing, and I just needed something to, as you said, tinker with. I think I put it back together properly, but I didn't stay at that school long enough to find out if they suddenly had a malfunctioning engine.) What games are you thinking of? (I'm awful at coding, so it will have to be a summer project sometime, or something.)
