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My gay best friend only accepts me as straight... grr

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Simsim, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. Simsim

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    So, I've known my best friend for over a decade.
    He is my person.
    We are crazy close and he understands me better than anyone in the world.
    Except for on one infuriating point....

    He can only accept me as straight.

    He is gay, very gay, gold star gay. He's always been very sure.

    So maybe he doesn't understand I could be a more fluid and questioning individual.

    For as long as he's known me I've been mostly straight, but with definite moments of being very not straight. And he has always dismissed those moments. So I guess I dismissed them too. They never really felt important enough to discuss in depth, they were just things that happened or things I did.

    But in the past year I've been far more forthcoming, there's been a few experiences that have pushed me to be very certain of and wanting to discuss my atttaction to girls.
    I've also developed a close group of bi and lesbian friends which has helped me a lot.
    I've been on a few dates with girls.
    I've tried discussing these dates with him...
    He doesn't seem interested in listening like when I discuss dates with guys.
    He doesn't ask questions. He doesn't want details. He doesn't care.
    It's almost like a common level we relate on is both liking boys.
    Well I like girls too...

    Liking girls is not something I feel a need to scream about and disect, it's just a part of me I accept and roll with it. It's not more important that anything else in my life... it's just part of my life.

    But why I bring this up now is becuase recently he failed me as a friend, it's why I came to this forum because he gave me no advice or support and I needed help from strangers......

    I had a bit of a recent drama I've discussed in another post, where I fell very hard for a girl, she is unavailable but made a move on me at a party.
    Immeditely after it happened I pulled him outside and explained what happened, because I needed a friend and I needed advice.
    He just dismissed it as "but you're straight!!!!!!"
    He almost yelled it at me.
    I said "No! I'm very attracted to her!!!! If she was single you know I'd want her!!!! You know I like her!!!! You don't get it!!!"
    He said "oh. Well I dunno"

    It's so infuriating!!!!!!!!
    He doesn't understand the emotional turmoil that event put me through, because he doesn't understand I could have real feelings for a female.

    I brought it up again the next day.
    He asked if I felt VIOLATED....
    Once I explained I wasn't violated, but desireous and guilty and sad and confused he didn't want to discuss it further. He didn't accept my feelings as real or important or interesting to him.

    I know that if the same thing had happened with a guy his response would be VERY different and he would be supportive.

    I don't know how to make him understand. He seems deaf to it and he is usually such a great listener.

    I feel really resentful because we don't have the type of friendship where we spell things out to one another. So why do I need to be so very clinically clear about this?
    HELLOooo, if I'm dating girls, if im discussing my attraction to girls, if I am kissing girls and talking about girls I like then isn't that obvious that I have part of me that likes girls?

    It doesn't come up a lot because I don't date a lot, guys or girls, I'm mostly disinterested in dating, and I've never been in a long term relationship. So I don't want to place importance on something that usually isn't a hugely defining part of my life.
    But when I do bring it up he doesn't really hear me.

    I feel betrayed that he isn't accepting all of me equally.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    He sounds exactly like the stereotypical straight female friend. You know, the one who only wants to go on and on about boys, but then invalidates her lesbian/bi friend's attraction, or even is flat out disgusted by it.

    Unfortunately gay men can be as homophobic as anyone else. Or is it sexism in this case? Dunno...

    I wouldn't be able to put up with it for long.
     
  3. Lexa

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    Been there... You are always there for him but when you need him he isn't, right? It says a lot about his personality and your relationship. Being friends is a two way street. Only in this case it isn't. He just wants to have fun and that's it. Treat him the same way he treats you. There is no reason why you should invest more in your friendship than he does. And try to become friends with people who really care about you and not only about the fun they have with you.
     
  4. Worker Bee

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    He sounds like a very selfish friend that has been living vicariously through your experiences with guys. And if he's too shallow to listen about something that means a lot to you but doesn't interest him then you need a better friend.

    Friends should care about each other, listen to each other and be there for each other
     
  5. Jax12

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    It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to even try to understand. I would get frustrated over people like your friend. If that's how he's been treating you then I wouldn't even bother making an effort to talk to him about this.

    If he's not listening to you or trying to understand your problems why should you continue investing into this friendship?
     
  6. SeulgiBunny

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    I feel u a little, a couple of months ago i was friend of a lesbian and her best friend and they though that i was bi instead of lesbian like her, was annoying. If he doesn't accept u like u are, i don't know, you should talk with him, not every girl likes men, even, there some straight women that can fall for women. If he keep denying it, cut him.