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For the sake of my mental health please respond :')

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pouringrain, Apr 30, 2017.

  1. pouringrain

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    I need you to understand that I created an account on here just for this. Just to be able to get some more perspective from people who perhaps have more experience with such a thing. I need you guys to know how profoundly this situation has affected me for me to still be awake at 5am typing this thread. Please help and give me feedback.

    It's all concentrated right on a best friend. Yeah, I know, I've read so many articles and posts about falling in love with your best friend and how that's a right or wrong move for your life. But none of those articles have helped me decide what to do with my situation, so I need people to read my personal experience and give me thoughts on what to do. This will be long, but if there's one good deed you can do today, please read and respond, because I feel like I'm losing it.

    Last year, I became acquainted with a girl through summer camp. We were both counselors. At the end of the camp, all the counselors had a party at my house, and she came over. Even though we had never really held a conversation before, that night we became really close and stuck together the entire night. By the end, we were wine drunk and she told me about her dad passing away and we very lightly cuddled. That's unfortunately where it all started.

    After that night, she started to come over a lot. She was in the same cabin as one of my roommates at the camp we volunteered at, so she was always welcomed to the house. That roommate, her, and I started to form our own little group and become close. At this start of our three person friendship, she was explaining how everyone thinks she's gay and her mom is waiting for her to come out, but that she's not gay. This was a little disheartening to me, and that's when I realized that I might not necessarily have only platonic feelings for her. It should be known that if there was a stereotypical lesbian look, she has it. The whole gym clothes athletic doesn't own a dress or make up, sweatpants are her religion type of girl. Like truly a chill "dude" type of girl with long hair. Chapstick lesbian would be the right term if we're still into stereotyping (which we shouldn't be but at the moment I'm desperate and lacking a better description).

    Anyways, as the closer we got, the more jokes were started that she likes me. I was always defensive about it, saying she's not gay, even though it was flattering to hear that people thought she liked me. Months pass, my liking for her has grown exponentially and we've turned into best friends. We're inseparable and always are together. We argue like an old couple, and we always look out for each other. We don't talk about boys to each other and confess how much we find a guy attractive (although she has talked about her ex boyfriends to me a few times, I just twitch a little and shove it off like I do). And she treats me differently than she does the rest of our friends, even my roommate who is our best friend as well. She's painted me two paintings of things I had once said I liked (things I didn't expect anyone to even remember), she's 3D printed me my favorite animal in her engineering lab (which takes forever to do if you didn't know), she gave me one of her laptops to borrow when mine broke, she gave me one of her most favorite backpacks (she's very into backpacks) when she thought mine wasn't supporting my back enough, etc. Basicslly very meaningful acts of kindness towards me that she doesn't do with anyone else at all, not even her closest friends back home. With that being said, she made out with a guy in front of me when we went downtown together (and I did the same), and that just discouraged my feelings for a little, but that's before the pivotal moment that comes below.

    I'm frantically typing whatever comes to mind so I'm sorry if this is just verbal vomit, I just need help. I'll continue. I should also note that all of the situations following this started happening after she found out by my other roommate telling her, that I made out with a girl when I went downtown. These past month we've started to spend a lot of nights staying awake until 4-7 in the morning together, watching Netflix. Recently, she makes an effort to sit especially close to me. Sometimes we sit so close that our arms are touching, and we let it stay there for a while, while silently watching the show. Also, even though we're best friends, we're not comfortable enough like my other best friends and I are to sit close to each other and cuddle and be relaxed, this is much different. It definitely takes effort. Like she'll look around and strategically make her way to sit next to me on the huge couch with a lot of space. I should mention there's two large couches, and when I usually watch movies with other friends, we comfortably like to spread out. But for example tonight, she was sitting on the other couch, waited for my roommate to go to leave to go to sleep, and slyly just made her way to sit right next to me on the couch. And we stayed in the position for 5+ hours

    I should also say that we go camping together alone. Just the two of us. And she has two tents, but every time, she doesn't bring her cozy 3 person tent, she brings her backpacking tent (which is very small and barely fits two people) every time, making us only have only inches of space between us when we sleep. Going camping and just the way we interact is as if we're a couple. I feel as if we're seriously a couple without any sexual relations.

    You can definitely see I was just throwing out everything in my mind out to you guys. I just want feedback on how to approach this situation. God knows how much I want to tell her so I can be set free, but I also don't want to compromise my friendship with her, because I value it more than anything else, including complicated feelings. I should also say that my feelings for her and anyone that's not a boy in general, is deeply closeted, so that helps a lot.

    More stuff that make me question all the things : she's made out with her bi girl friends before and has gone as far to explain to my roommate, not me, that she's given them hickies. She's a true Boy Scouts, knows how to fix anything in the house, completely acts like a guy, and camping is her favorite activity.

    TLDR; help me I'm going mad
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    I'm no expert as I suck at relationships and reading people in general but to me it sounds as if she's into you too. It might be that she is gay but doesn't want to admit it or she could be bi.
     
  3. A unicorn

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    The only thing that you should pay attention to is the fact that she treats you differently and especially when it's just the two of you. I don't know if I could confess anything to her easily if I were you but I would try to maybe hold her hand in a moment that I feel that she has come close enough. And she how she reacts to it. Or while sitting next to each other I would maybe say sth to her being a little too close to her face and if her look is inviting spontaneously kiss her but not like crazy just a gentle kiss or sth. It's a big move to do but in case she may feel bi or sth like that but has not accepted it yet this could make her understand. If she has any feelings for you she would not be able to reject you. And if she does then you should maybe tell her that you kinda felt too close and you spontaneously felt like kissing her don't scare her. I don't know a better way to explain this. I have no such experience myself but I know that's what I would do. There's should definitely be a moment that you can try doing this and see how it goes.. I don't know if she is not straight for sure cause she keeps saying she is but it's weird that she has to say that you know. It's questionable. I wish you luck girl !
     
  4. faultyink

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    It sounds like she's really unsure. Maybe she doesn't even know she's into girls? It doesn't sound like she's straight. I would just keep waiting, you never know.