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Spent time alone

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ARB, May 25, 2017.

  1. ARB

    ARB
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    I guess I'm just writing this to organize my thoughts.

    My wife and son were out of town from Sunday until Thursday this week. I was on my own at home. I worked most days, but other than that I was on my own.

    I realize that I want two completely opposite things that are mutually exclusive. I want to stay and I want to go. I missed my family so much! Our marriage isn't perfect, in fact, it needs a lot of work outside of my homosexuality. But my wife is my best friend, I think? And my son is my favorite person on earth. But I think I'm better with them. Not necessarily happier, but better. I make better decisions, drink less, take better care of myself, I'm more productive. I really wanted them to come back home!

    Now that they are home, I feel kind of awful. I'm having trouble nailing down exactly why. I'm very aware that my romantic relationship with my wife is a farce. I'm not husband material when it comes to a traditional marriage. This feels forced and fake. But I don't know how to be alone. On one hand, I'm a loner by nature, always moving, leaving jobs and cities and friends behind every few years. But now I've settled a bit and started a family and it's all a sham. I don't know who I am or what I want, but I know it's not this, but I feel like I can't, don't want to, live without them.

    This is a giant rambling contradiction, I know. I'm under a lot of stress at work, and poor sleep while they were gone are probably contributing to my emotions right now. Basically though, I don't want to stay in my current situation and I don't want to be without my family. This week apart has been really hard. Like a look at my future, and I didn't like it.
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    Surely they will still be a big part of your life. Hopefully once you and your wife have gotten through the ending of your marriage you will remain friends and still see each other regularly. And your son will always be a part of your life.
     
  3. Moonsparkle

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    You are not rambling at all in your post. Just typing things out can sometimes be so helpful!

    Staying in your current situation, sticking with what is known certainly affords some sense of safety, and it sounds that you have a very good relationship with both your wife and son. It's understandable that you would truly miss them when they were gone! You mention that being with your wife/son makes you feel like you are a better person, though not necessarily happier. I do think that being with your family can certainly provide incentive to make better decisions and be more productive. I doubt though that your ability to make good decisions and be productive would suddenly go out the window if you were to leave.

    The prospect of leaving the known can make the future seem very scary! But you say that staying feels forced and fake. Living 'forced and fake' can chip away emotionally at anyone little by little. And as time goes by this can have all kinds of repercussions, including eventually feeling some resentment at the current situation and the people in it. I know that I stayed in my marriage MUCH longer than I should have, feeling unhappy at my core, living a sham and eventually feeling this resentment. We did not have children though, so I know this was much different than your situation.

    From your post I sense that you and your wife have a very good relationship and a best friendship. And you are already out to her. Is she happy with the way things are right now with your marriage? Maybe I am wrong, but my sense is that together or apart you would be able co-parent your son respectfully and effectively.

    The fact that you say you don't have much of a problem leaving cities, jobs and friends for new ones every few years says to me that you actually DO have some 'skills' in being alone.

    You are definitely in a tough spot. A lot of people on EC are going through similar things, married, with children--and unsure about both staying and leaving. If nothing else reading these post will surely help you in feeling less alone! Take care.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    It's OK to value your wife and son. Your enemy is your black-and-white, either-or thinking. Your path lies in between.

    Imagine a future where you identify as a gay dad. Imagine that you have joint custody of your son and are still friends with your wife as you co-parent and maybe even checkout guys together. Imagine a world where you have found true love and don't feel like a fake in the romantic department.

    Do you feel more optimistic about this path?
     
  5. ARB

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    Cam and Moonsparkle, you're right, my wife and I get along great and will be great coparents. I've only been out to her for a month so we are still working things out. We both know we will split but because of our family situation we're going to stay together for a little while yet.

    Sienna, this is the future I envision. My wife and I have talked about a future where we both live in the same neighborhood and co-parent our child. I want that very much!

    The hard part this week has been getting pictures from my wife of them at the zoo or the playground or just eating ice cream. Even in the best case scenario I will miss things with my son. In the meantime, I was sitting alone in a bar eating pizza. I know it will take self discipline to keep myself in the right track, as I tend toward loneliness and depression sometimes. This was one of those "ghost of Christmas future" moments. In the story, Scrooge gets to choose his future, and I get to choose mine too.
     
  6. Patrick7269

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    ARB,

    In my opinion you are confronting fear that anyone in your position would feel. You already have been strong and resilient in the face of fear. You will find a way through this if you envision what you truly want and act toward it. To echo previous thoughts, try not to be black-and-white in your thinking and envision with an open (now free, because of your courage to be authentic) mind and heart.

    I think your wife and son know you'll be there for them and they have complete faith in you. Now have faith in yourself and be there for your future self.

    I'm thinking about you and wishing you peace.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
  7. Worker Bee

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    Arb we're here for you whenever you need a pick me up or a nudge to get you back on track.

    I've never been through anything like you're going through but don't forget listening to someone is my super power.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    As someone who is co-parenting, let me give you a glimpse of the future. There are times when our son is with mom, with me, or we're all together. The time you spend with your son will be higher quality since it's 1 -1. I get to be gay when our son is with mom, so I attend meetups, social activities, and hang out with my BF. I would encourage you to start making gay friends before you separate as a way of dipping your toe in the water and getting more familiar with your authentic life ahead of you.
     
    #8 SiennaFire, May 26, 2017
    Last edited: May 26, 2017
  9. zumbaqueen

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    ARB I know the feeling, I told my husband I was a lesbian only two weeks ago. The thought of giving up my family and everything my current live is very scary. I think of my teenage daughter and how she will deal with finding out first of all that I want to leave her dad and secondly that I am a lesbian. Today I thought, what am I doing just put your self back in the closet, but the thought of denying who I am and who I also have been brings tears to my eyes.
     
    #9 zumbaqueen, May 27, 2017
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  10. Mysteria

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    I'm going through the same thing. Only I'm already living alone, so it's realizing this is it and I won't get my old life back. You're not alone. (*hug*)
     
  11. ARB

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    Sienna, what do you mean that you get to be gay when your son is with his mom?

    I think that's a good idea to try making gay friends. I'm thinking about coming out to a guy at work this week and maybe I can meet some people through him. He will be the first person I've told since my wife and her best friend on "Gay Day" a month ago. I'm pretty scared about that.

    I can envision myself as a gay dad, and I can envision myself when we are all together, but I'm scared of the kind of person I was last time I was alone, before getting married. I was a pretty hard partier who made some self destuctive choices. I'm afraid that indulgent guy will creep back in. So I guess I need to build my friend network before then for accountability, and practice some self-discipline.

    I'm really glad to have all of you to talk this out with.
     
  12. Worker Bee

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    I mean that I have time to do the activities that I listed - attend [LGBT] meetups, [LGBT] social activities, and hang out with my BF, all of which are important parts of learning how to and being gay. Most of these activities are either difficult or inappropriate when in parent mode.

    I presume the guy at work is gay? Coming out gets easy the more people you tell, so while you feel scared, follow through and you'll feel better on the other side.

    You get points for being self-aware enough to recognize the pattern. Perhaps you can find (ideally an LGBT (friendly)) therapist to help with this behavior pattern?

    Do you understand why you are indulgent? I would suggest reading (or rereading) The Velvet Rage for clues. Being in the closet and denying our sexuality has a lot of non-obvious implications on our behavior that might resonate with you when reading The Velvet Rage. The excessive partying and difficulty holding yourself accountable most likely stem from (1) the shame and internalized homophobia and (2) from not being honest about your sexuality. If you experience is like mine, as you start coming out and healing the shame and IH, you will find that it becomes easier to address these counterproductive behavior patterns. This is a long-term thing that will take time, so don't expect overnight results.
     
    #13 SiennaFire, May 28, 2017
    Last edited: May 28, 2017