Hi folks, I was hoping someone could help me with this one. I've now hooked up a handful of times. Some of it was fun, some okay, whatever. But while I've dealt with anxious feelings most of my life, I am now experiencing a totally new behavior: shakes. I'll open an app, and suddenly my hands start shaking and it spreads to my shoulders and abs, and I have to take a moment to calm down. I'm generally nervous about hooking up for rational reasons: it will never live up to the fantasy in my head of course, but lots of things could go wrong, from surprise scat, to possible STDs and getting murdered. The last too I don't worry too much about because I play safe. But even when I do all I can to be physically prepared, I can't get mentally prepared. A decade of masturbating to porn and fantasies and wanting to do these things, and now that I am, I can't seem to translate that into my actual, physical body. I have trouble paying attention to what's happening in the moment (this has been an issue always, actually, it's why while I'm a pretty good dancer and moderately coordinated, I've been bad at sports and anything involving fast reflexes). Idk, folks, I just really want to move past this. I want to be able to enjoy myself. It's like being nervous about getting on a rollercoaster (and I would get nervous to the point of dread) but you know it will be fun, you end up enjoying yourself anyway when you do. Except hook-ups are no guarantee of fun the way roller coasters are. I've had a couple bad/okay ones to know this firsthand.
Anxiety is driven by irrational fear. What is it about opening an app that is causing you to get shaky? What are you afraid of? I personally don't like hookups for the reasons you've stated, but also I'd rather invest in something long term then a quick meet up.
The thing I would say is that you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself and making something that even its detractors describe as "casual" not very casual at all. Maybe you should try to let it happen a bit more organically. Back when I was single I had a fair amount of casual sex--my impression is that most people on this site would describe it as a shocking amount. And you know I can't think of a time it wasn't fun, but I also didn't ever go out looking for it. I went shopping and to the gym and the beach and out for drinks with friends and there were always guys and sometimes stuff progressed. And it was actually casual and fun. No we didn't generally meet each other's parents or anything but we actually talked before deciding to have sex. We shared a meaningful look, a bit of conversation, laughed at each other's jokes--actually saw each other in real life.:lol: And I was never nervous and I was pretty much always right there in the moment--and they were some pretty glorious moments. By contrast the idea of committing on my phone to have sex with someone before doing any of that makes me practically break out in hives just thinking about it. My suggestion would be to ditch the apps and frankly ditch the notion of hunting for sex and just get out there and meet guys and have fun--and who knows, maybe some of it will be naked fun.:lol:
I mean, I get your point, but lets not act like cruising in bathrooms and hunting for hook-ups on the phone weren't things invented and widely used by your generation haha Here is the thing, everyone, regardless of the medium that they use, can have have an amazing hook up. You just have to learn how to do it and what works for you. I have personally have had multiple amazing hook-ups that originated through the app. What works for me is to talk to the person, share what we are both looking for (be honest here) and then have them over for drinks. I enjoy talking to people, learning about them, and getting to know them a bit before having sex. After we do all that, then we can mess around. I also make it clear that I like cuddling and hanging out after we have sex. If a guy can't do that, then I'm not interested. Some people don't like my approach and that is fine, but each person has to find what they want out of the experience, and then demand it. So, OP, Lets see what you can do. This was a problem of mine. The way that i worked it out is that I need to be VERY forward with my partner. This will take either you being comfortable with demanding time or someone you can trust to help you out. What I did for a couple of hook ups was to take things VERY slowly. I told them that I wanted to try something new and that if they were up for being weird with me. For example, I had one guy that came over and after talking we got naked and just laid next to each other for a while and we kept talking. It was super awkward and super weird, but it allowed me to stop associating nudity to sex, which then allowed my mind to stop freaking out about "BUT THIS MUST BE PERFECT, AND SEXY, AND OMG ARE YOU DOING IT RIGHT, AND IS THIS FUN ENOUGH?" type of thing. So yeah, just keep playing with it and find what works for you.
