Snowball effect

Wow I never thought i would never do this or come so far in such a short time period... all happend in the time span of last week!
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First off, right now I am an exchange student living In Germany and i have to admit one of the main reasons why I came here was to get away from myself, but I now see that it is impossible, and I have even more time to now think and contemplate myself. Ugh.

BUT...last night I have came out to both myself and my best friend here in Germany. It had to have been the most scariest and hardest experience of my life so far.
I don't even know how to explain it, though i will try my best.

I went to spend the night at my friend Jana's house last night like every weekend, and as usual I like to ask a lot of question, seeing as I like to know about people and what they think and such. Well she pointed out how i seem to ask a lot but won't answer a lot, and this is unfair. Because she feels as if she can talk about things and get them off her chest but no not hear and help others is like getting nothing in return or like I am steeling it all away. I then told her I don't like to talk about myself because I feel selfish and why would people want to hear about me... I said though how I felt bad that I was pushing people away in my life by not telling everything and things. Which she said why is it you are like this? Me: ehh...hehe yeah. Because, but oh well good night. (Though that didn't seem to be getting me anywhere) she was like give me an example as to why you don’t want people to love you and be part of your life? Needless to say I was not ready for that and couldn’t giver her straight answer but knew she wouldn’t let it go, plus I knew I needed to finally talk. Shit. So by now it was literally 3:00 am, and i said umm well there is a reason but i don’t know how to say it, and it is hard for me to do and I am frightened and worried and don't know how to go about this but yeah... and after a half hour of me sitting on the bed uncontrollably shaking and stuttering and avoiding by saying how she will just be like omg it is stupid and who cares or what a joke and blah blah blah... eventually 15 min later i get "I" out followed by another 15 min and "AM" then at about 3:35, she said a comment on how "I am like a play and I forgot the words" and i just followed it quickly with a quite "i am gay" (I hadn’t even realized I said it allowed, but knew yet at the same time) and I right away slapped my hands over my mouth and just dove under the cover and tried to hide and die and just no be there. (I had no clue what my own reaction to this would be since I have also never said it aloud to myself) and all i hear her say is "I am so proud of you"... and i knew she was coming to give me a hug, but at that time i was so disturbed with myself and I literally pushed her away and jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. Where I sat on the ground for 3 min and just thought fuck. And i came back in saying "well looks like I am unable to pee right now, ugh." and I then just sat there and stared and didn’t know what to do, i couldn’t cry, i couldn’t think i was in total shock. She eventually said "i don’t know if you want me to talk or not, but I just want to tell you that it doesn’t matter and I am happy to have you as a friend, and know that this must be terribly hard for you to have done, and although it was a complete shock for me also, it make since and it works. " all I could say was "yeah, sorry" even though she said not to be sorry for it and i should be happy

She then told me "well I have a story I think you need to hear", and she told me how her host mom had told her about an affair she was having on her husband with a woman and how "although she was in love with her, she also loved her man and kids" and her crazy host mom told her this because she thought that one day I would come to Jana and tell her, I too was either Bi or Gay and that I would need support. I just don't even know what to say, at this point still. Though it is fresh in my mind I think it always will be and although it was disgustingly hard to do and I don't see how now or anytime soon I see myself doing this again I know it was right and I now have someone I can talk with and feel safe.
Mostly because I am hating the stress and the constant depression and all other thing involved with keeping part of myself hidden. It's defiantly not fun. I hate me, I hate trying to be something I am not, though at the same time I cannot see myself as being out but I know I have taken a step in the "right" direction.

...needless to say it is hard for me to come to terms with myself
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I also wrote a letter to my parents:

Dear Mom and Dad,
I am writing you this letter at 2:00 am because I am having yet another sleepless, hunger less night; One of many this last week.
The reason for this is because I have something I need to tell you both. Something I am sure you have known for a while, it’s also something that hurts my soul to think about and have to tell you. But Mom and Dad…I am gay.

I know deep down you are probably very upset right now and also very hurt, as am I. But this is something that has been plaguing my mind for a very long time now and I no longer want to be depressed about it, there are man times these past few years when I have deeply considered suicide because I didn’t want to come to terms with this. And I have had a true hatred for myself. But I think it is important to include you in all aspects of my life. And I don’t want you to feel betrayed in any way for not ever knowing. I love you and although right now you may feel otherwise about me I just want to let you know this has nothing to do with how you have raised me as a person. This is no ones fault, if anything you have helped to show me how everyone should be treated equally and fairly and be loved no matter what. You have also instilled basic values in my life that I know I will use and believe in till I die.

I also want you to know nothing will change in the way I am as a person. I am still and always will be your loving caring boy. Just because of this, it doesn’t change me. And yes I know life will be hard, but it’s nothing I haven’t already dealt with or know how to handle. Plus hopefully you will be there for me.

For the longest time I have planned on never telling anyone and eventually just hoping it would go away, but I now realize it isn’t a choice and I will have to live with this my whole life, not that this is a bad thing either, it is just different. I really hope you don’t hate me, for there is enough of that in the world, and I need as much support as possible.

I have come to a point in my life, especially with being away and on my own that I have had to deal with and realize a lot about myself and life. For the longest time I have been hoping to come on exchange not only to learn a new language and way of life, but also to get away from me. I thought by doing this I could put it behind me but I now realize I have had more time to think than ever before.
And I am sorry I have had to write this in a letter and not tell you in person but I am both afraid of my own reaction and my health, for having to wait any longer. I know you both probably have many questions and I am prepared to answer them. I also understand if it takes you along time to call and talk to me, for this is a very hard and personal subject.

This letter is disgustingly hard for me to write since I feel terrible about having to do it. Not because I don’t want you to know, but because I am afraid, trembling in fact. I have so many worries rushing though my brain right now about everything but mostly is the little hope I have that you will accept me and love me still and know I, no matter what, will still love you both as much as ever before.

I am so sorry for having to do this and I hope you don’t feel burdened by it, but I feel it necessary so as to not have to talk with you and feel although I am lying or hiding some terrible thing. Even though it is an everyday thing not to be ashamed of. I want you, and everyone, to always be apart of my life and I hate having to do this though it is for the better in the long run.

Well I have plenty more to write but I don’t want this to be any more overwhelming then it probably already is. So I will end this and let you talk it over and such. I just want you to know this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. And that I will love you forever no matter what.

Much love.
Your son,
Michael

 

thank you! yeah my parents havent called so I dont know if they have gotten it yet...and I am nervous, sepecially since my dad is coming here in 2 weeks for work and we are gonna meet up! but our family is close so hopefully it wont be bad, and belive me I never would have thought I would tell my parents, origionally I would have rather have said I commited a serious crime than anything, lol. which is stupid but I belive now it is for the best, I just guess I too am still in shock.

 

Thank you it means alot! i hope they respond to it well, we soon shall find out! eeek, lol. It defiantly wasn't easy to write that, but hey i was able to finally sleep afterwards, hehe.
thanks again.
mike