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update

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Mike, Mar 16, 2005.

  1. Mike

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    I go this e-mail Sunday night...I dont know how to feel about it exactly. hmmmm, ugh.
    ____
    Hi Honey,
    We got your letter Friday night. It's now Saturday Night, Jess is at Laurens and I can finally write you. I know how difficult that was for you to tell us.You must know that we don't want this for you. It won't be easy. I have tried to make everything in your life as easy as I could and I won't be able to make this one easy for you, as much as I wish I could. But we can't let you worry about how we feel, we want you to know that we love you immensely and we will always be by your side. But you will have to be patient with us as we are not prepared to share this with anyone at this time. We have to let time prepare us.
    Dad is looking forward to seeing and talking with you on Saturday. Always keep in your heart how much we love you.
    LOVE,
    Mom and Dad XOXOXOXO
     
    #1 Mike, Mar 16, 2005
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2005
  2. Paul_UK

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    Hi Mike,

    I think that's a really good response. You have to remember that this has come as a total shock to them, and they probably have all sorts of thoughts going round in their heads right now.

    I'll comment on a couple of phrases which I think may be worrying you:

    You must know that we don't want this for you. It won't be easy.

    Every good parent wants the best for their offspring, and indeed your mum says that they have tried to do this for you. The best for you, as they see it, is for you to follow the conventional line...... to be straight. They feel that your life is taking a more difficult road (which indeed it is, but not as bad as they may fear), and although they don't want this I think they are accepting it. She acknowledges that she will not be able to make this as easy for you as she would like. That is an understatement, as it is likely to be you making it easier for them at the moment. I think she just doesn't know what to do for the best, but she has said that they will always be by your side and support you.

    we are not prepared to share this with anyone at this time. We have to let time prepare us.

    That's fair enough. They have to be comfortable with the situation themselves before they will feel able to share the news with other family members. And when they do it will be gradual, starting with those they think will have the least problems with it. Very much as you are doing with the people you are coming out to.

    I think things are going to be OK with your parents - but it will take some time. It may have its ups and downs, but I am sure they will be fine. Just be patient. Remember that you had time to prepare for this moment, whereas for them it's completely unexpected and sudden.

    The meeting this weekend could be a bit uncomfortable. They may not know whether to discuss it or ignore it, and if they decide to discuss it you may well get some awkward questions such as "what caused it" and "is there a cure". They may well feel that it is their fault. You will need to assure them that it isn't, and that you were born that way. And since they created you, they may still feel that it's their fault. Use the analogy of it being like some people are born left-handed - it just happens. If they pursue this line too much you need to try to get them to look to the present and future (where they can have a positive impact) rather than looking at the past (which nobody can change).

    Please let us know how things go over the next few weeks and months. We are thinking of you.

    Paul.


    PS - I tidied up those * characters that crept into your message, and deleted your follow-up mentioning them.
     
  3. Mike

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    wow thank you so much for that, it really helped alot, I am glad you wrote that now I dont feel so bad and i can interpret those sayings better in a way, for a while I was thinking I should never have told them, which i still someitmes htink, but you are right.
    thanks again! and alos thankd for fixing the psot problem :wink:
    Mike
     
  4. TriBi

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    Mike,

    For what it's worth, I think Paul is spot on (hey - age and maturity DO give you some advantages!!).

    Be prepared for things to be a bit awkward at first - hey, your folks have to get used to the idea, and do a fair amount of adjusting, - but I'd say all the signs are pretty damn positive.

    Well done so far - and good luck with what is to come...tho' it DOES look good.
     
    #4 TriBi, Mar 17, 2005
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2005
  5. Paul_UK

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    Part of the reason why I picked up on this one is because your coming-out method and the type of response you received is very similar to my own situation.

    I was about 27 at the time, and lived some distance from the rest of the family. I actually came out to my sister and her (now ex) husband first, over a drink at a quiet pub. They were not that susprised, and indeed were half-expecting this since I had not had any regular girlfriends over the previous 11 years.

    I then wrote to my parents a few weeks later, sent by a next-day delivery to arrive on a Saturday. At the time I didn't have a phone at home, so phoned them from work on the Monday morning. My mum's attitude was very similar to your mums reply (although not quite as positive), but dad was less comfortable with the situation. He took the approach of not mentioning it at all, which made things difficult for mum who wanted to talk to someone about it. Fortunately my sister was happy to help mum through the questions and confusion.

    This actually meant that I got less of the awkward questions than might have been the case otherwise - and that I think you may get this weekend.

    Dad also came round gradually. Meeting my partner helped as they get on reasonably well. I think dad finally accepted the situation when my sister and her husband divorced - the fact that I was still with my partner convinced him that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all.

    Back to your meeting with mum and dad this weekend. Another thing that is likely to come up (especially if you are still in your teens) is the suggestion that this is "just a phase", and that you should wait a few years to be sure. You need to be ready for this one - don't accept their suggestion, and explain that you have felt this way for several years and know that this is how you are.

    The HIV/AIDS issue may also be raised, and they may well be completely ignorant of the facts. This is a tricky area because you really do not want your parents to be thinking too much about what you might be doing in bed with another guy, but you do want them to know that there are simple precautions to minimise the risk and that you will be taking them.

    Take a look at the "booklets" here http://www.fflag.org.uk/resources.htm which might help you to prepare for some of the questions you may get tis weekend.
     
  6. Aaron

    Aaron Guest

    Good Job, Mike.

    I've read both posts on this, and I think you are in a good palce right now. It will be hard, and be prepared for things to be VERY awkward when you see your parents again, but at least they have the right mind set - they love you, and they will be beside you. That is all you can ask for. As long as they have that love for you, they will continue to support you. And from the sounds of, that love isn't going anywhere.

    Congrats!

    Aaron