I feel like a hypocrite

[hawkeye]

Its funny how deep thoughts just come out from nowhere when you're mowing the lawn, but today something completely new presented itself. well, its probably not a completely new idea, but it at least struck me this time. I was thinking about how people feel they have to act straight so their friends dont realize they actualy like guys (underlying note, i believe I'm bi, but questioning between that or more gay). anyways, it occured to me that acting normal has become a part of my life. Everything seems like a lie all of a sudden. I barely ever get enough sleep, and i always feel a little depressed, mostly from being shut up emotionaly and socialy. so, when i leave my house, I throw this act that i have loads of energy, and that i'm in the perfect mood. The worst part is that i do the same thing in front of everybody, including my own family. This was probably one of the key points in deciding to talk to my mom about it, but i must have gotten so absorbed in other things that i forgot about it. But anyways, no i face a bit of a moral decision. If i cant sleep well, and I am depressed (i am seeing a counsler), how could i not be a hypocrite by acting happy and energetic all the time, and still have a somewhat normal (energetic) image at school.

Heck, this seems like a bit of a situation that I just have to fend myself out of by trying to rest more and feel better about myself. so, now that i have that figured out, do many of you guys feel the same when you're around other people, like you put on a show to seem like you are just another healthy, energetic person?

Oh geeze, i think i just figuered one of my problems, i just finished a quart(actualy a litre, but its close to a quart) of pepsi, and its 11:30. Maybe a little less soda and candy at night from now on.

I used to pretend, before last March - that was my turning point. I spent 5 months coming out, and then I didn't feel so depressed and tired. Sometimes I still put on a show - if I'm tired I'll try to be energetic. But it isn't true, and generally I act how I feel. I dunno if I really answeed your question, but o well.

PS - I love ->

[joeyconnick]

Yeah, that much Pepsi or Coke that late at night can really fuck you up.

With respect to the whole faking/pretending thing, I think a lot of people do that by default, not just gay people, especially given that there is such a positive reaction to people who are happy happy joy joy peppy and energetic. *sigh*

It's usually better to be honest about what you're feeling, although of course it's wise to temper that depending on your situation.

One of the things I've always striven for is to have my personality be as consistent as possible between the groups of people I interact with. If you've ever noticed, lots of people act quite dramatically differently depending on which people they're with and I always thought that was not a good thing and something that should be minimised. Obviously you don't want to be exactly the same around your parents as you are around your friends but to me it's always good to be the same person in as many different situations as possible, and to have your "outer" personality match your "inner" one. I guess that would mean I believe in the harmonisation of the ego with the superego or something appropriately psychobabble-ish.

One of the biggest compliments I've ever received was when someone expressed their admiration that I "sound" like I write; that is, that how I express myself in words is very close to how I express myself when speaking. Seems that a lot of people can't do that.

But yes, back to you (*grin*), everyone suffers some kind of disconnect between how they feel privately and how they act outwardly. The trick is to find a balance that works for you. That will likely help ease your depression because you won't go around feeling like you're hiding something or lying. I think for most people the feeling that they're not being authentic is pretty troubling. Although there are whole classes of what I call the "plastic people" who seem to live to be fake and seem to prefer it that way. But they're freaks, so who cares?

[goratrix]

Yeah... like: I'm depressed because I love this guy and he doesn't love me back, and on top of that it could never happen. But oh yeah! I have to spend about three hours a day in his company, most of them listening about his latenst conquest or him amking sexual comments... So the next time you ask how are you? you should consider the possible answers I might give you, now go away before I even start on how my parents rised me or I will drown you in my tears.

You can't even imagine how many times I thought of saying that to my friends... Still, I always put this act of a quiet and focused guy...

[hawkeye]

Aww, goratrix, we understand.
As for the soda, i am trying to make it a point to stop having sweets at night, but during the day it practicly defines me. I have this terrible metabolism(yea, its pretty bad) where i cant go for more than a few (about 3) hours without eating. So i keep my energy up with plenty of sweets, usualy skittles. in fact, i have a skittles dispenser in my locker. Ok, i know its getting a bit sad, but i love skittles, and i'm still 6'5" and only 165 pounds, so i dont nessesarily need to worry about weight problems.

[nisomer]

I used to pretend all the time, and in some ways, still do. The difference is, that before I accepted myself as being gay, I would try to act like I was straight. Now after I have accepted myself, I don't try to act straight, I just try to be act like myself. But it is hard to do that when you are trying to hide your sexuality, so many times my when "gayish" thoughts come out, I turn it into sarcasm so that I am not suspected, and it has been working. At least that's what I think....

oh and btw, I LOVE SKITTLES!!

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by hawkeye

Aww, goratrix, we understand.
As for the soda, i am trying to make it a point to stop having sweets at night, but during the day it practicly defines me. I have this terrible metabolism(yea, its pretty bad) where i cant go for more than a few (about 3) hours without eating. So i keep my energy up with plenty of sweets, usualy skittles. in fact, i have a skittles dispenser in my locker. Ok, i know its getting a bit sad, but i love skittles, and i'm still 6'5" and only 165 pounds, so i dont nessesarily need to worry about weight problems.

Okay first... you're 6'5"? AHHHHHH! That is like... very, very tall. Do you hurt yourself walking into doorframes?

Secondly, with respect to candy and junk: in 10 years when your metabolism goes from teenager to adult, you might find your Skittles habit has a lot more serious impact. It is true that when we're younger we can get away with eating a lot more junk and not really have to suffer any ill effects, but when we're younger is when our eating habits develop so the moral of the story is: eat healthy as much as you can. Imagine how good your eyesight would be if you swapped carrots for Skittles! (Of course, your skin might go orange but hey, you'd always have something to talk about with people. *grin*)

[hawkeye]

yea, i am pretty tall. I've been known to dust the celings of basements. and i do duck naturaly when i go through doors. it kinda stinks

and on the note of metabolism, i am very lucky with my metabolism in the first place because me and my dad are the only ones in my family that arent overweight (we have the same extremely fast metabolism), so i am careful to watch myself and everything. Its an extra snack, not my meal, I still eat good foods. And I will be keeping an eye on my metabolism, but considering my dad has the same and he's 50 now, i think i have a good chance of lasting a while.

[joeyconnick]

"Dust the ceilings of basements?" That's hilarious!

Metabolism: that's good to know. Isn't it nice when genetics work in our favour?

[hawkeye]

yea, the dusting the celing thing isn't even a joke, pretty often I'll come up from a friends basement and my hair is dusty. I guess i have the good and partialy bad from genetics, good metabolism, and height. On the origional subject, I have been trying to not act energetic when I'm not too much, but not to the point that it's like a call for help. I dunno, its weird trying to get myself to stop acting without making it look like a call for help.

[goratrix]

Hey... if you want people to notice you are not ok, then you have to show it. Perhaps being obvious is not a good idea, but it's not a good idea to make an effort to hide it either. So... just do what you feel, and you should be fine.

People don't care, people don't look. People don't want to know, so unless you find someone that wants to (there is always an exception), you have to show that you are not ok.

Depending on the person I just say: look, I'm not in a very good mood, so don't bother me or we'll end badly... and they usually just stay away.

[hawkeye]

thanks for the advise, i guess this thread cant really go much farther, but everything kinda helped me think everything through.