Pretty Certain I'm Transsexual...

1. This is scary to everyone. It scares me too. I'm definitely going via androgynous if I'm ever to make any changes to my body. Taking it slow and finding the point where I'm comfortable.

2. I can't speak for others, but I don't hate my genitals. I'm just indifferent to them. They're not very useful to me other than a convenient way to pee in dirty public toilets. I would like them changed into something I can use and be comfortable with. I think that is much higher up my list than actually being a woman. I'd be happy to just be androgynous. But again, that's me.

3. I know what I am, I'm a tomboy girl in a male body. What I want to be is more about what I am sure I don't want to be. I don't like being a man. All I get from that is that I want to be less masculine that's all. Not that I've ever been very masculine. Neither do I want to be an overly feminine guy. I just want to present as what I am, somewhere between genders. I don't want to risk having to pretend anything. That's just stressful and it is what bothers me the most now.

So that's my take on your three points. I cannot say what's the right answers for you though

 

Hiya =)

Just thought I'd quickly chip in. As you're not alone in the: wanting to feel like a woman (a man for me) but not being able to say that you are one already. I know I haven't exactly phrased it well - but just saying that you're not alone.

Plus I'm terrified of the thought of transitioning - as I want to be able to pass and even be seen as attractive - but since I have no clue of how I'll look it's troubling.

So I'm not very good for the insight - but I might be able to help with some reassurance of that you're not alone.

Hope it kinda helped. xxx

 

Yay!

I love how threads that I'm actually interested in reading are popping up all the time now

Don't worry I'll comment properly once I've read it XD

 

A big congrats to you for finding yourself! This thread among others has also told me how much I actually am not transgender and am just someone trying to find their way. For me, it was like straight but curious, except with gender.

Anyways, this thread is about you, not me. I'm happy you're finally figuring out who it is you want to be, and I hope all comes together for you.

 

I wanted to start by congratulating you on discovering who you are. I know i haven't been here long but I can tell your journey of seld-discovery has been a long and difficult one. I sincerely hope that everything works out for you going forward and hope you'll keep us posted!

Which brings me to another thing I wanted to say: Your descriptions and thoughts/feelings that you have provided really helped me simply by being something I've never seen or knew existed before: people that are similar and with similar childhoods. I wanted to thank you for your very detailed posts, they have helped me more than your could ever know! Thank you

 

Right.

Here's my 2 cents worth.....well more like 2 dollars.

I'm heading off to do more fencing today. (Fences not swords XD)

No: 3 - The "Internal Feeling"

You know how I 'feel' (pun not intended) about this.
The main thing that's holding me back from declaring myself trans - is that at the moment I mostly don't feel like anything inside. I don't FEEL male or female. My mind, me emotions....the core part of me, feels like neither. It has moments where it feels female, and moments where it feels more masculine, but for the most part it rests in-between.

The odd thing is that I had felt for the past two weeks that this sense of "inner genderless" was new. That it cropped up because of all time I was spending considering the notion of being trans.....but now I'm really not sure. Something in your post made me think...and I'm beginning to realise that I've always been this genderless inside.....it's probably the reason I was open to questioning my external gender.......I mean if I thought of myself exclusively as a male - and had a masculine frame of mind, then I would never seriously consider being female.....

So perhaps....it's not my internal genderless-ness that's holding me back.....perhaps there's something else......

Thanks Snow I think you've caused me to have a minor epiphany here



As you stated Michelle - one thing I DO have, is a desire to be psychically a girl. But in addition - I would also say I identify with girls better than I do guys....I dunno if this is the same for you....but maybe you should ask yourself which side you relate to better....which side you get along better with.....


As for the genitals thing, I'm sure I've stated my opinion on this - but I'll restate it here.
I don't like my genitals. At any time that dislike can range from mild discomfort, to full blown hate that makes me want to cut the damn thing off......But I think this really is a very personal...changeable an aspect of gender. I know for me I've always envisioned myself as female in sexual encounters....and I have just plain physical discomfort with having a penis. For you....genitals might just not be as big a thing......that's perfectly understandable, and in no way makes you less trans than anyone else. Do remember that there are no RULES about transitioning....as Veronica stated. It's best to ease slowly into it, and find the point at which you feel most comfortable....and this ties into another point I'd like to make:


Trans people throughout the ages have been classed as a separate 'third' gender. In fact I believe there was a Greek god.....anyway, don't quote me on that. Society has been dealing with transsexualism for hundreds of years now. In fact there's a separate caste for them in India, that's been around since Prince Siddhartha's time. They're called the Hijra, and if you think that modern SRS is pretty horrifying, you should google what they go through. They don't even get the luxury of HRT.

Anyway - I guess my point is this:

Now that you've identified you may be trans - it might be a good idea to step back from things a bit, and ask yourself what's so good with the commonly accepted system of two distinct genders. The Gender Binary is a social issue, in a similar way to racism or religious seccularism. Society needs to get it into it's thick head, that stereotypes about gender are just not constructive. They've evolved over time, simply as a way of keeping society together - but in this day and age of multicultural society - they just hinder diversity.

What I'm saying is - now that you feel like you may be of the opposite gender - perhaps take a second to question the whole system of gender. A lot of trans people fall into the trap of always viewing transition as the path to becoming a 'real' man or woman. And by real they mean - perfectly stereotypical. Guys often want to be become 'hot' - 'sexy' girls that get to go to wear pretty dresses and makeup, and girls often want to become 'rough' - 'handsome' men that get to rescue people and be knights in shining armour. These arn't genders. These are stereotypes of genders, extreme one's at that. Not all girls are pink-loving airheads, and not all guys are car-loving musclemen, but often Trans people seem to forget this a little. It's not their fault. Society makes it clear that the ground between genders is a barren desert of hate, but I think a lot of Trans people would do well to throw away the old Gender Binary that says you must be a 'guy' or a 'girl' and instead focus on expressing who they feel they are inside, whether that person is different to their current physical characteristics or not. If you have a tendancy to act in a more 'girl-like' fashion, then sure, go ahead, do what feels natural. But don't start assuming that you have to wear skirts and makeup because that's what "girls" do. I mean...didn't you start by flaunting the 'male' mould? Why wouldn't you also question the female one?

I know It's probably not exactly what you want to hear...and I may not have made it in a particualrly clear manner.....but I guess what I'm saying is that Transgendered people to me at least.....kind of fall into the middle ground between the gender stereotypes....

and instead of searching for ways to be 'real' men or 'real' women - they should just act - dress - and present themselves as they feel comfortable, regardless of how confusing society might find that.

I know for me personally at least....I've never really displayed any of the stereotypical traits of a 'guy'. I don't like sports. I like reading. I like socialising. I'm good at reading people's feelings. I don't lust after women like my male friends. I just have a different way of thinking of things.....

My point is - all my life I've been ignoring the male 'standard' to some degree. Now that I'm beginning to feel that the female mould might fit me better....I'm not going to go and start focing myself to like dresses, or flowers, or anything else considered to be the 'female' standard. I'm not going to change who I am inside. I don't know what that inner person is....it could be a he or she....but I'm not going to force them into a role...just let the come out and express themselves properly.




See I feel like Veronica. Kinda. I'm still not sure what I am on the inside.....but I do know that if I was to pick an ideal look for myself, I'd be more of a tomboyish girl, than a feminine one. Or a guy....no matter how feminine. Looking like a guy now is just uncomfortable for me...Like Veronica said.....all I get from being a guy - is a want to be less masculine. I don't want to be a girly guy - I kinda already am.


All of that aside Michelle....I think you've made progress...your ideas seem much more clear and coherent now. (perhaps I helped? ^ ^) Regardless....what I think you need to do now is get in touch with StarofMiyu....or another trans person who views themself as a feminine girl....just talk to them....bounce idea's off them - and hopefully get a better idea of where you sit.


I'm in similar circumstances to you.....in the sense that I'm really not sure what I am inside....and I feel confused as to what to do next....but I think.....the best thing to do.....would be find ways to find yourself.....Whether that person is a girl, a guy, or something in between.....then you can start worrying about how you want to change your appearance.

I know you've said that you want to be accepted as a girl more than anything else....and perhaps that really is the most important thing for you......just don't feel that you have to like fairies to do it. Just act yourself, and find your own nook in society.

 

Just remember there is no gender binary. It's not about boy or girl, male or female. It's about you. You don't have to be anything you aren't.

 

^ Haehehehahah Veronica

Don't you just hate it when your working on your post at the same time as someone else? XD

 

11 11 11 ... you are far too good at explaining things lol =)

But everyone here is right, just be yourself no matter what the rest of 'society' thinks ^_^

 

I like your post, Michelle, and it makes me happy to see that you are working through evrything at your own pace. I'm doing the same. There are times when I read confessions of other trans people and feel like, maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm just crazy or ocd or something. I feel like my own feelings and experiences often times differ from some of the more extreme cases I've read about.

But when it comes down to it, none of it changes the fact that I still wish I had been born a girl. I hate being a man. I hate having a penis. I hate how tall I am, and how big my hands and feet are. I hated the stress of sex with my ex-girlfriend because I can't stand being the "man" when I'm intimate with someone. When I think about the fact that I will never have a female youth, or experience a female puberty and adolescence, or have a period, or carry a child it makes me want to kill myself. When I dwell on those things it makes me hate my life, and it makes me feel like I am being punished for something.

I'm so jealous of other women. I'm jealous of the way they look and sound. I'm jealous of their freedom and beauty. I'm jealous that they get to experience all the things in life that I would die for, and many women don't even know how lucky they are. I'm jealous of everything that makes them a woman.

I'm terrified of transition. I'm scared of how my family and friends will respond. I'm scared of how it will affect my education and career. I'm scared of surgery. I'm scared of the cost and the time involved. I'm scared that after transition I won't be able to enjoy sex anymore. I'm scared I won't find someone who loves me for me.

And when I think about the things I'm jealous or scared about, I want to kill myself. I think about hanging myself allt he time, or downing a bunch of pills, or jumping off a building. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.

There are things that make it bearable though:

1) I am a strong, intelligent, confident, attractive, wise, and motivated young woman. There is nothing that I can't handle as long as I remain focused and kind.

2) I have my faith. The Buddha declares that there is no self in either one's sex or one's gender. There is no reason for me to cling to either in order to define who and what "I" am.

3) There are others like me. They may not have had the exact same experiences as me or the same feelings I have about my sex and gender, but they came to the same discovery as me. It is reassuring knowing that I am not alone in this.

4) Gender Dysphoria is a birth defect, a mental disorder, an affliction, a source of suffering. And, it can be treated and even cured. Knowing that there are options for recovery was the biggest thing in me discussing transition with my therapist and is what motivates me now to keep going.

5) I CAN'T WAIT TO BE A WOMAN!!! I can't wait to be called by my female name, and referred to as "her," and to look in the mirror after taking a shower and to see a woman's face and a woman's body, and to brush my hair, and wear makeup in public, and to have sex with men as a woman, and simply live my life the way it was meant to be lived.


In regards to the claims of people hating their genitals to the point of cutting them off, I have never been part of that crowd. There were times where I actually enjoyed sex with my girlfriend for what it was, but it was never fulfilling and often times very stressful. As I get more involved in my transition, I am more frutrated about my penis than anything else. I just hate having it there. It's gross and cumbersome and just plain gets in the way. I still masterbate though. It's uncomfortable most of the time because my fantasies completely revolve around me being a girl with a guy being penetrated and whatnot. And the orgasm is always kind of a let-down. But like I told my ex, I have to make do with what I got now and when I finally get my upgrade it will be that much better.

Like I said in another thread, "Don't cut it off, they need it in order to make your vagina!"

It's good that you are being honest with yourself without selling yourself short on your dreams and desires for life.

At a trans support group I was at last night, a 33-yr-old transwoman who is getting srs next febuary told me, "It's way better being a woman than being dead. Stay strong, and it will get better."

 

Hi! I can certainly relate to some of the things you've said, while other things, like hating my penis (the word I used wth my therapist was loathe actually) is definitely how I feel.

Contrary to popular opinion in society at large, not all transwomen have the goal of full transition. Quite a few actually choose to keep their male genitalia, yet live as female, so there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or incorrect anout transitioning without taking that final step of vaginoplasty/labioplasty. Have keeping your penis doesnt make you any less female either. It really is up to you how much you want to transition. Some women have an orichectomy (removal of the testicles) & then stop there. So when you plan your transition, keep that in mind. Many women have done this & still live full time as female, so you certainly will be no means be alone if you choose this path! Every girl's transition is different & unique! I know that, for me, Im a gay woman with the wrong genitals, and the only way I can ever have sex & not feel wrong is to have my bottom surgery, but that's my journey that taking! (*hug*) Dont feel bad about wanting to do it differently at all! So just go be your big girly self like I have finally started & it will help you a bit with how you want to plan everything!

 

^ Thanks for that post Dhamma...


I loved it *sob*

 

@Dhamma,
It would seem you echo a lot of my concerns and feelings about eventually transitioning. Suicide was something I considered much more when I was younger but could never really go through with it (came close twice). Since then those thoughts have mostly subsided until days that I go out and see women and think about all that I don't have. The biggest absence in my life and thing that made me want to end it all was feeling alone and lost.

You, Snow, Veronica, kiersten, and 11 11 11 (just the few that I will mention here, everyone has been awesome!!!) have really helped me realize that there are others out there that have similar feelings, doubts, and questions and that I am actually not as alone as I had thought. This gives me hope that I can make it through.

Your post here, Dhamma, was lovely and I wanted to extend my sincerest thank you and an offer to talk whenever you need someone to talk to. Same with anyone and everyone that needs someone. Admittedly I can't offer too much experience but I will do whatever I can to help!

Oh, and Kiersten I had a question: Have you always consistantly felt as though bottom surgery was a necessity? Most of the time I feel like I NEED to do it to feel happy in my body (I don't like having a penis, it feel wrong) but on rare occasions I'm not sure if it is something I really WANT to do, that is a GIANT step.

 

First up, Congratulations it figuring yourself out. (!)(!)

Just reading the thread some great posts, I don’t have all that much to add except my take and experience on the points that you raised.

And in no particular order

2. I’m exactly the same way; I don’t hate my penis it just serves as more of a reminder of what I’m not.

3. My desire to be a girl comes and goes; sometimes it’s quite intense other times nonexistent and its confusing the absolute crap out of me.

1. I’m equally terrified of transitioning, I’m worried that I could never pass as female (that whole height thing), I’m worried about rejection from friends & family and I’m worried that if I transition that one day I’ll wake up and declare the whole thing a massive mistake. Because I’m still confused as to whether I’m trans and that’s mainly because the thought of me as a women is extremely arousing and I’m unsure whether I’ve just got some odd sexual fetish going on.

Oh wow that's familiar, i really did enjoy that episode of fairly odd parents

Ive been dwelling on my childhood trying to remember if there were any signs from my younger years. A Few moments stood out. (as posted in another thread)

In Grade Two (I was 8 years old) we went to a place in the city called Como house, it was basically a perfectly preserved house from the 18th century where they would teach you about how people lived in those days. There they told us that young boys at the time (6 and under from memory) wore girls cloths until they were older and I remember thinking at the time about how great it would be to have lived back then.

When I was a little older I remember that there was a medical documentary about a woman (mtf) who underwent sex reassignment surgery, at the time I was really really wanted to watch it.

And not to mention all the times where I would happily play with Barbie’s and the like at friends houses, which was of course until their parents walked in and I got all defensive and pretended to be disgusted. (I was/still am really self conscious). I would also do that when we went shopping i would pretend to be disgusted of even walking through the girls toy isle, but deep down i really wanted to go in.

Oh crap I'm rambling, this is your thread. sorry.

 

I have a question. I've been going through some rough times with my gender identity. Contrary to what some have said, I do like having a penis. Also, thinking that I might be transgender makes me want to be more masculine. I... tried on girl's clothes, but it didn't blow anything wide open for me, I mean I think I might be attractive as a girl, but I feel comfortable in most clothes I wear, so I didn't feel anything. I like looking like a guy, and I have some major body issues, because I've always wanted the perfect body. I think I'm overthinking the whole thing as usual, but I've been OCD about it lately, and it's scaring me because I've never thought that I'd like to be a girl, I've always just been another guy who's kind of feminine on the inside. I think I could have an androgynous mind, and I don't want to be transgender, and I don't think I am.

My question is: Why do I feel this way? I'm not happy feeling like this, and I've never wished over and over to be a girl, I've never really cared about girls, I've never been jealous of girls, so why am I feeling like this? I just want to go with the way I was. Happy, care-free, not scared, confident, I'd miss being a guy if I was a girl.

 

Why does it bother you so much, Mr. Pushover?

It's obvious you like being a boy and as far as I can tell from this post and others, you are definitely not transsexual. I don't even think you could fall under the transgender umbrella at all since you make it pretty clear that you like being a boy, that you feel like a boy, that you don't want to be a girl or feel that you are somewhere outside the traditional gender binary.

Maybe you like feeling adrogynous because its just a popular style among younger gay men, especially bottoms. Androgyny has been a common form of queer expression for ... well forever I think lol Being truly androgynous, however, I think is a little more rare.

You should just be happy with who you are, and if you feel like being femme then be femme. It doesn't mean you are TS.

 

I've seen a few people echo the same sentiment, so I'll start wth that...

A few of you have said that you're not necessarily hating being a guy or that it's very confusing & things along those lines. This is why therapy is such a crucial part of the tranitioning process. Your therapist can help you determine the best way of coming to terms with how you feel & even if transitioning to become female (or male, in cases of FTM) is the best & proper treatment for the way you feel. I strongly recommend that anyone who considers themselves to be transgender to speak with a therapist as the first step towards anything. I thank God for finding my therapist, as she really does know her way around gender issues & has helped others transition before. Many people like me feel like it's a matter of 'transition or die' is the only way to go, while others are just really uncomfortable with the gender they have & it's confusing. Therapy is the best way to go. The Harry Benjamin Standards Of Care are the guidelines that any reponsibile therapist will follow. If you are considering transitioning, then asking your therapist about things like their credientials is crucial to deciding on who you want. I have a thread somewhere else here on the site with questions that you shoud definitely ask when trying to find your therapist, as the last thing you want is to have to teach your therapist about transgender issues so that they can help you.

As for me, I have always really felt the the 'thing' between my legs is such a mistake, so I know that bottom surgery is right for me. At the risk of giving TMI, I have spent my entire life tucking my penis behind my legs & trying to hide it because I jut feel it shouldnt be there at all. As strange as this sounds, this is actually a very common thing for girls like me to have done or to do during their whole lives. I dont consider the surgery to be Sex Reassignment Surgery, since Im not reassigning my gender, I call my eventual surgery Gender Confirmation Surgery, since I AM female & having the surgery, for me, is just confirming what I already am. And yep, for me, surgery is the whole way I'll be happy, since as Ive mentioned before, I'm a lesbian & I cannot handle having sex the way I am, too the point where I have stopped altogether. But again, not every woman feels the need to have her penis removed, which is why transitioning doesnt mean having to transition all the way.

For those who have mentioned that they arent sure if they even need to transition & sometimes simply feel as if they are both genders or sometimes they feel male & sometimes female you may not necessarily be transgender, you could also be two-spirited. So you dont have to feel like you have to transition to feel normal either. Again, a therapist is the best way to sort out & work thru how you feel, as well as decide if transitioning is the appropriate & proper course of treatment.

On a side note, while the DSM-IV-TR currently classifies being trans as a mental disorder, most therapist do not consider it a mental disorder, which is one reason why in the next revision of the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual-Fourth Edition-Text Revision), transgender & issues related to it will be declassified as a mental disorder. The field is at the point already where people have said that we are not suffering from a mental disorder & the DSM will soon reflect that as well. I mention this just in case any of you, in the course of doing research for your own transitions, come across any info that leads you to believe otherwise. Dont let anyone make you think you are crazy for feeling the way you do, because you're not any more than I am. At one time, being homosexuall was also classified as a mental disorder but they updated the DSM to show that this was not the case, so dont let anyone tell you or make you feel like you're crazy - you are absolutely not! Again, I hope I've been a bit helpful! (*hug*) to all!

 

I don't know why. I feel comfortable being a boy, I just feel like everything I do can be translated into a girl form. I don't cringe at myself in the mirror. I was never, before my brother came out, even serious about wanting to be a girl. All of the sudden I feel like since my brother came out, that there is a chance I might be a girl on the inside, but every time I try to understand what it is to be a woman, I just get even more scared that I might be. I don't feel happy, or comfortable, just scared. Scared that all the things I've done in life might be twisted around. I don't know if I feel like a boy. Sometimes I just think I'm a gay guy on the inside, and it feels right, and everything gets calm, and I'm content. But whenever the thought that I might be a girl on the inside, I get scared again and uncomfortable thinking that there might be a girl inside my skin. It's been suggested that I see a therapist to be happy with myself as I am, because every time someone tells me that they honestly don't think I'm trans at all, I still feel like a lie. It always brings me back to when I found out I liked boys, and how all the time I was scared, and I forced it down my throat that I was not gay and could not be gay, and I kept getting scared because I knew I was. Now it's the opposite, I keep cramming down ideas of transgender-ism down my throat, and saying that "you might be" and "what if I was" and "would i like having breasts" and I get scared, scared because I'm confused. Scared because I've never felt like this before. Scared because I've always been confident about my gender until recently. All these pieces of me don't seem to match because I can't seem to find the girl in me. Every time I look back on the past, all that makes sense is that I'm gay. I've done suggestive things, but I've only been interested in guys, didn't like the idea of girls, didn't enjoy being feminine in any way. Why am I this OCD about it? I don't want to change. I don't want to experience change, and no matter what I feel like I'm gonna be confused, which is why androgyny is kind of comfortable. It tells me there's no real gender inside, but a male on the outside. I want to be masculine, I also want to not be feminine, I want to not think I'm a girl on the inside, because I'm not happy anymore. I want to be happy with who I am, and I feel like nothing I ever figure out about myself will fix that. I feel like I'll never be happy because first: I was always obsessing over having the perfect body because no gay guys will like a flabby body. Now I feel indifferent about my body as if I was never interested in having a good body. I don't want boobs. I don't want a vagina. I want to be me, but it seems so hard. I want to be happy with who I am right now.

Sorry for the wall of no break text