I feel so empty after coming out

[sometimesbetter]

I'm trying to understand how I feel. When I came out a month ago, it felt great. Up to the point of coming out, I felt really anxious (for the obvious reason). After coming out, I felt great, even though my parents didn't take it well. They said they still accept and love me, but they think if I think hard enough, I'll be cured. I didn't care about that comment. A week ago, I just started feeling really depressed for no apparent reason. That lasted a couple of days and then I started to feel empty. There are moments where I feel really great, but there are moments where I feel so frakking empty. I'm trying to understand how I feel. Maybe, I feel this way because my emptiness is trying to blanket other feelings that would cause anxiety. I just don't know. My family sees that I feel this way, and I feel so bad because they're so upset. I've tried telling them that it isn't a phase (me being gay), but they don't believe me. But I don't care that they don't believe me. Am I confusing my feelings of content (now that I don't have to hide this huge secret anymore) to feelings of emptiness? In a sense, my coming out was pretty anti-climatic. My parents didn't really care that much (in my head, I thought I'd be kicked out, etc.) I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I used to be so happy before I came out (as weird as that soinds). Anyone else felt this way before?

[Dewthulu]

I often feel exactly the same way. When I came out to my parents, it was also kind of "Really? This is what I was afraid of? This is nothing.". I think that you're just expecting more of a change than actually happened. Like, you get a big present for Christmas when you were six, and it turns out to be full of clothes. It's a bit of a disappointment. Don't worry too much about it. It will go away. Just give it time.

[thecat06]

I had this feeling too. It went away with time though. I think it is because you have been anticipating coming out for so long and now that it is over there is nothing to anticipate at the moment.

[malachite]

Maybe you were expecting more when you came out. The initial "high" you get when you come out wears off then you realise nothing has really changed, it kinda brings you back down to Earth.

[Marlowe]

I know exactly what you mean. I am struggling with the same sort of thing right now. I think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that coming out is hardly the end of the line and once you realize this you realize how much more of a struggle it will be. For me, my coming out was as boring as they come and basically nothing has changed for me. Part of it is that even after I have come out I still don't talk about it with my friends so in many ways I still feel aloof as before. They know I am gay but they don't know what this means to me. The other aspect is that coming out is only saying you are gay not living it, and that requires much more and does change your life and I think while I am relieved to no longer carry the burden of this secret, coming out has made some of the issues I will face as a gay man more clear than they were before.

[sometimesbetter]

I just don't wanna feel like this anymore. This "coming-back-to-earth" process just feels like an empty process. I know I feel content, but my mind isn't feeling content. My mind confuses it as a feeling of emptiness. Sigh. It's hard to focus on anything else because that's all I think about -_-

How were your phases with this?

[Marlowe]

Yeah, I get that it is distracting. I mean here, I am on EC rather than focusing on the work I have to do. I guess it is still on going. I came out a few months ago, and I am still dealing with this, and I feel like it will probably persist until I am comfortable living out.

This is just my two cents, but I wonder if you are possibly feeling both empty and contentedness at the same time. I only suggest this because it seems like it would make sense that you are contented in that you no longer have to hide and fear this overwhelming secret. So you are probably not spending so much time ruminating over it and as much emotional energy coping with it. On the other hand, maybe coming out has made being gay more real and you finally feel a bit melancholy now that the high has worn off.

How do you feel about being and living out? It is one thing to be elated about finally not having to hide your secret and worry about it and another to be contented about actually being gay. I describe that I came out because I needed to in order to survive, not because I was so excited to be gay, and so while I am happy that the secret is no longer eating me up, I still am coming to terms with actually being gay.

[sometimesbetter]

I don't know what I'm feeling. I just don't know. It was really bad last week, and it's starting to feel like it could get better, but there are moments where nothing feels right. I'm just gonna try to focus on other things––try to go back to my old routine. See if that makes it all better.

I can't really be living out. If I did, my parents would surely get a heart attack. I'm still in school, and that requires me to be under my parents. Sigh. I just wanna feel good again. Like life is worth something. I just wanna feel normal again.

[alex7song]

When I told my mom, I felt great afterwards, but I think it was because of the emotional turmoil. Those moments in which you tell someone, its like you feel that everything changes. Afterwards, the starkness of the normality you hopefully return to contrast this. It gave me the exact same empty feeling. It was like vunerablility.

[sometimesbetter]

Originally Posted by alex7song

When I told my mom, I felt great afterwards, but I think it was because of the emotional turmoil. Those moments in which you tell someone, its like you feel that everything changes. Afterwards, the starkness of the normality you hopefully return to contrast this. It gave me the exact same empty feeling. It was like vunerablility.

How was it like dealing with it? Because sometimes, I just don't know how to breathe. Sigh.

[DhammaGamer]

You just need a boyfriend ... really

Now that your out, you can "do all the things you couldn't before". Which is? Dating guys and not getting in trouble for it. So you came out, and it's like "so, yea, I'm gay ..." ..... and? Not many people really care especially when there is no change whatsoever in you or how you act or the people you hang out with or the way you present yourself. You're still just you. Just cuz you came out doesn't mean you suddenly have everything you ever dreamed of. But now you can start looking for the things you dream of.

So get out there! Wake up and share your love with the world.

[sometimesbetter]

I don't wanna be with anyone though lol. I just came out because I didn't wanna lie anymore. Sigh. I just feel a mix of emotions. I just don't feel like myself and it scares me. I know I need some time, but this process is really taking a toll on me.

[DhammaGamer]

What is it the Beatles say?

Let it Be

[sometimesbetter]

Easy to say lol. Hard to focus on anything when you let it be . I wish there was a "cure" for this shitty feeling.

[DhammaGamer]

To be honest, the cure you are looking for is called Buddhism.

I know everyone has their own beliefs, but .... really .... Buddhism.

If you want to know the real cause of why you are unhappy, deep down, the actual cause of it and how it can be cured, study what the Buddha taught.

Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dhamma in Motion

[sanguine]

Originally Posted by malachite

Maybe you were expecting more when you came out. The initial "high" you get when you come out wears off then you realise nothing has really changed, it kinda brings you back down to Earth.

agreed, and i think it is better this way, being gay doesn't make you more special than you already are before coming out, just continue with your life really, because you didn't really except your parents to through a party for you now did you, i guess like everyone else you move on with life and your aspirations, because at the end of the day your prone to failure's just like everyone else.

[Gravity]

Just a thought, but, as you described yourself as happy before you came out, you may be feeling this way because this large obstacle - being in the closet - that used to be omnipresent for you and probably directed a lot of your life, and consumed much of your effort, is now gone. I imagine it's like suddenly becoming wealthy and quitting your job, then finding you don't like sitting around the house all day. Or going through a really hard degree program in college and then graduating and finding that you miss the work.

What else is going on in your life right now? Is there anything you want? Not, as in, a new piece of furniture or a video game, but something you want to be doing with your life? Even if it seems huge and completely unattainable.

[ukeye]

^^ I think Gravity's advice is the most spot on..

When I came out I went through this, and I think it is normal for any life event. 9 times out of 10 we think the worst about things.. we think coming out is this massive hurdle which casuses mass anxiety, and then when it happens we realise.. oh, coming out is just me announcing how I feel and me being honest with people and starting to accept this part of myself.

You are still very young, and I am too.. I know before I came out, I had the same thoughts that it was going to be the end if people knew my secret. Two years down the track, and I realise that life goes on and most anxieties are healed and smoothed over with time. The study anology Gravity gave is really helpful.. if you spend a lot of time pondering over something to the point that it obsesses you, and this behaviour ceases.. its only natural that you are going to grieve for a period of time.

Now you can focus on other areas of your life with clarity.. its not about finding a boyfriend or suddenly becoming obsessed with madonna and wearing pink for most.. its just another obstacle that gets knocked down and allows us to be a bit more comfortable with ourselves. You have years ahead to have a multitude of experiences so to let it be and let time take its natural course is the best you can do. You're doing great

[sometimesbetter]

Thank you, guys. I do feel a lot better now. I think I just need some time to come back to earth, so to speak, and enjoy things with a more lighter perspective. I was reading another post yesterday, which was describing the excitement of keeping such a huge secret and the aftermath of it coming out without much surprise. I've pretty much opened a big "wound", which needs a bit of time to "heal". So, once again, thank you, guys!

[WhatLiesAhead]

Originally Posted by Marlowe

I know exactly what you mean. I am struggling with the same sort of thing right now. I think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that coming out is hardly the end of the line and once you realize this you realize how much more of a struggle it will be. For me, my coming out was as boring as they come and basically nothing has changed for me. Part of it is that even after I have come out I still don't talk about it with my friends so in many ways I still feel aloof as before. They know I am gay but they don't know what this means to me. The other aspect is that coming out is only saying you are gay not living it, and that requires much more and does change your life and I think while I am relieved to no longer carry the burden of this secret, coming out has made some of the issues I will face as a gay man more clear than they were before.

Couldn't agree more. 10+ years of pent of pressure all of a sudden getting released in a few extraordinarily anxious moments. Quite an amazing rush and sense of liberation at first. I started telling people about a month or so ago. Still working my way through some close friends but I already sense that initial high wearing off. Like Marlowe basically said, you very quickly realize that coming out is, in the grand scheme of things, a minor step. It's really about deciding what to do with this new sense of freedom. I'm still working on that myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn’t scared $hitless when I think about taking that next step forward, maybe even more scared than I was all those years about coming out (well, maybe not more scared than that). However, the more I think things through, the more I realize that I have to at least try to push myself down that road. If the only thing I get out of coming out is the ability to stop having to nod in agreement when my friends comment on hot girls, great. But now that I'm starting to work my way out, I am finding myself thinking more and more about that not being enough. Slowly but steadily I seem to be warming up to not just telling people I'm gay, but living it.

BTW – funny how that works with friends, eh? Same exact situation here. The friends I’ve told so far (all straight males) have been very accepting. But then after a short discussion on the topic, right back to normal like nothing changed. ISN’T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED? I thought so, but for the first time in my life, I’d actually like to be able to discuss with these guys my feelings and concerns; something I’ve never really done with anyone before. It just seems weird to force the issue after the initial conversation.