Relationship with an older man

[Jski]

I'm 21, male, and I'm having some problems.

Last winter I decided to come out to my family and some other friends that I respect and trust. (My family completely fine with it and are having no problems) I decided one night to tell one of my neighbors that I have known my whole life. He is a very nice man and is well loved in our town. (He is 53) He was also fine with me being gay and so I kept coming back to talk to him because I felt like he was kind of my personal therapist. This went on for about a month when I noticed that I was developing feelings for him. They became stronger and stronger until I eventually told him how I felt. I told him that I have always been interested in old men as far back as fifth grade. He was also fine with this and told me that he wanted to help me overcome my issues. He did everything he could to try and make me happy but I couldn't get over the fact that I had feelings for him and he had nothing for me. I kept coming home from college to see him on the weekends until I decided that I needed to stop because I was just hurting myself. So for the past year I have been trying to recover from what I guess I would call my first crush.

Well, on New Year’s night I was at my local bar when I saw him there, which I was fine with at this point because I knew I could handle my feelings. But then he came over to talk to me a few of my friends I was with. He ended up telling me that he was gay (he is bisexual) and that he has been having feelings for me since last winter when I kept coming over to his house. This made me very sick to my stomach, I'm assuming because I was never expecting that to come from him and it just kind of flipped my world over. Anyways, he asked me if I wanted to go to his house and talk about it, which I did, even though I knew he was a little drunk. At his house we told me everything; how he felt about me, how the past year has been really hard for him too, how he was afraid that if my dad found out that he, my dad, might kill him, how he was afraid this might jeopardize his job. He asked me, "If this were to happen, can you keep it a secret?" (He didn't want other people to know that he was gay) I was scared at the time so I said no. He hugged me and embraced me and kissed me on the cheeks and told me that he loved me. At the time I was still so overwhelmed that I felt numb. I wanted to give back to him the same feelings that I had had a year ago but I couldn't. He kept asking me, "What do you want?" I figured that because he was a little drunk that he was kind of wanting a little more from me that night. I asked him to take me to a friend’s house so I could sleep and he did.

A few days later I went back to his house so we could talk. He explained that he told me he was gay to let me know that he did understand what I was going through last winter and he thought that it would help me. But it honestly has made things complicated again. Since it had been a few days for me to gather my thoughts, I had realized that on New Year’s he was a different person, because of the alcohol, than who he was now. He told me that he was going to retire in a year or so and move out to California and that that wouldn't work out for me because I would still be in school or just graduating. He said that if he was 30 years younger that he would do this relationship in a heartbeat. He says he still loves me and would want to be with me but because we are in different stages of our lives, he said that he doesn't want to create a problem with a relationship with an age gap this big. But he did say he still wants to be friends and that he will always love me.

I'm just struggling now because I want to be with him. I regret not giving my love back to him on New Year’s because I feel like that could have made a huge difference on how he would look at this relationship. I’m only interested in older men and if being in a relationship with someone who is in a different stage in their life is bad, then I don't know what to do. I feel like I will have to wait 20-30 years before I can try to meet someone the same age as me, and I don't want to do that. I talked to my mom about this and she said that she is okay with me dating him but she is just scared about him passing away when I'm only 40's - 50's and how that would hurt me. But what if I dated someone my own age and in 20 years they die from cancer? I feel that if he loves me and I love him back, that it just makes sense to be together. I don't know of anyone who is in the same boat as me so it's hard to talk to others about it. I want to know if this relationship works, if it's a bad thing for me or a good thing. I have tried reading information about this online but it's hard to find. The only thing that I have found is that the people who are in younger/older relationships are doing fine because it works for them. If there is anyone out that that can help me, please reply.

Thank you

[Kcaz12345]

ooh this is a tuffy i have had the same problem with a age gap but not one that big. im only 14 and it is sometimes hard for me to find bfs. well having a age gap that big is never a good thing there are always problems when there are and i know you dont wanna hear that because you love the guy and he means alot to you but yea idk what to tell you other than try to find someone else that is a little more close to your age and just be friends with your lover as much as it hurts to love some one and not be able to be with them it will be hard im so very very sorry

[HazMattic_Force]

Welcome to ec first off, honestly if you want to date someone older then go for it I honestly believe age is just a number. BUT be cautious about different places in life as mentioned you still are going to college and he is about to retire so you may hace a lot of different perspectives and even different attitudes from experience or lack of such as newet things he may not know of or older things you may not know of also some older people may have mischievous motives but not all do so tread lightly but have fun and enjoy yourself.
Know you already talked to him about everything, did you explain you were overwhelmed and possibly ( I don't know if so or not ) drunk? Try asking him about a trail relationship just like one month what happens happens. Aswell be safe in all your endeavours and best of luck on your decisions

[Tracker57]

Buddy!!!!! You're not getting into a relationship because of something that might happen YEARS from now????? How do you know that you won't go first? Living your life with the fear of death for yourself or others means that you are not really LIVING. You are dying a slow death and you are viewing HIM as already slowly dying. Please LIVE!

[Chip]

The age difference between a 21 year old and a 53 year old is pretty significant. Putting aside the illness factors you mention, there's the small issue of being in *completely* different places in life; the 53 year old is starting to think about retirement, while the 21 year old is starting to think about starting a career.

It would be virtually impossible for the relationship to be balanced and healthy; in the early years, the older person would likely be a "caretaker" type for the younger one, as income, life experience, goals, interest, and just about everything else will likely be very disproportionate and different. In later years, the younger person would likely become caretaker for the older one.

And for every story you read about a relationship with a large age difference working, there are probably a hundred where it does not... simply because of the incompatibilities, differences in life experience, and values. Believe me, I have talked to an awful lot of people who have been in them and they sometimes work fine for a while but eventually (usually sooner than later) the problems crop up. And there are execptions, but those are exceptions, not the common outcome.

So no, age is not just a number.

Another issue I feel the need to address is the nature of this relationship. This is someone you've known your whole life. You are looking up to him as a mentor and parental figure and source of advice. This is not what one should be seeking in a healthy relationship; it's an inherently imbalanced one. If you find yourself only interested in older men, then likely there's something you are seeking out (perhaps a closeness you never got from your father? That's a common cause of this sort of feeling) that you are mistaking for the normal healthy romantic interactions between two adults in similar places in their lives. So to answer the question about how to address the feelings... it might be really beneficial to at least explore those feelings in a few sessions with a therapist. You might come to some very different understandings that could cause you to see things in a different way. If not, and if after discussion with a therapist, you are still certain that you're attracted to older men then... have at it... but I do think it would be a wise idea for your own emotional and psychological well being to at least look into this before going down this path.

[Revan]

I can't really give advice, but I must say I'm shocked your mother is fine with you dating him. Most parents would not be fine with their 21 year old son dating someone 30 years older than him. So I will say I commend your mom for being so open. That's all I have to say.

[Sunsetting]

Originally Posted by Chip

The age difference between a 21 year old and a 53 year old is pretty significant. Putting aside the illness factors you mention, there's the small issue of being in *completely* different places in life; the 53 year old is starting to think about retirement, while the 21 year old is starting to think about starting a career.

It would be virtually impossible for the relationship to be balanced and healthy; in the early years, the older person would likely be a "caretaker" type for the younger one, as income, life experience, goals, interest, and just about everything else will likely be very disproportionate and different. In later years, the younger person would likely become caretaker for the older one.

And for every story you read about a relationship with a large age difference working, there are probably a hundred where it does not... simply because of the incompatibilities, differences in life experience, and values. Believe me, I have talked to an awful lot of people who have been in them and they sometimes work fine for a while but eventually (usually sooner than later) the problems crop up. And there are execptions, but those are exceptions, not the common outcome.

So no, age is not just a number.

Another issue I feel the need to address is the nature of this relationship. This is someone you've known your whole life. You are looking up to him as a mentor and parental figure and source of advice. This is not what one should be seeking in a healthy relationship; it's an inherently imbalanced one. If you find yourself only interested in older men, then likely there's something you are seeking out (perhaps a closeness you never got from your father? That's a common cause of this sort of feeling) that you are mistaking for the normal healthy romantic interactions between two adults in similar places in their lives. So to answer the question about how to address the feelings... it might be really beneficial to at least explore those feelings in a few sessions with a therapist. You might come to some very different understandings that could cause you to see things in a different way. If not, and if after discussion with a therapist, you are still certain that you're attracted to older men then... have at it... but I do think it would be a wise idea for your own emotional and psychological well being to at least look into this before going down this path.

Yep, Chip said it in a big nutshell. (ok, medium sized)

[Gravity]

I'm going to strike a balance between Chip and HazMattic and say that while age isn't just a number, it doesn't have to mean everything and it isn't always bad.

Yes, it will bring complications into the relationship. Being at different points in your life means different perspectives and different needs. But what relationship doesn't come with complications?

On the other hand, different perspectives can be good. I know people that only date those with different political persuasions, that get along well with people of different religions, and yes, people who like to date older (or younger) people than themselves. More important than age, I think, is whether or not this person is a positive influence in your life and bringing positive things (emotions, outlooks, challenges, benefits, etc.) into your life. While it may be harder for someone of a different age to do that, if they can, and you're into it, then why not?

What bothers me more than the age difference is how he's handled the situation. You spent a lot of time talking to him at his house, coming home to visit him, and he said nothing about his sexuality, just listened and let you feel safe. Then after not seeing you for ages, he approaches you in a bar, drunk, comes out to you, and takes you back to his house. Call me cynical, but nobody takes someone back to their house from a bar, after hitting on them, for virtuous purposes. Maybe he thought he was being genuine, but there are just too many revelations and advances there to make me, at least, comfortable.

Now, this is just my take on things, and I don't know him, or, for that matter, you. But it seems to me like you two had your time together, you had your first crush (which is exciting, btw!), but it ran its course and now it's in the past. It would be nice to revitalize that, but it would take more than a quick conversation over beers for that to happen. Deal with him however you want - keep in touch or not, etc - but don't feel bad about not going further over New Year's. In my mind you made exactly the right call.

[Jski]

[/COLOR]

Originally Posted by Gravity

What bothers me more than the age difference is how he's handled the situation. You spent a lot of time talking to him at his house, coming home to visit him, and he said nothing about his sexuality, just listened and let you feel safe. Then after not seeing you for ages, he approaches you in a bar, drunk, comes out to you, and takes you back to his house. Call me cynical, but nobody takes someone back to their house from a bar, after hitting on them, for virtuous purposes. Maybe he thought he was being genuine, but there are just too many revelations and advances there to make me, at least, comfortable.

The thing is that he is an amazing man. The reason why he didn't tell me his sexuality was because he was as scared as I was. He just didn't know how people would react. He's is nice and caring and only wants the best for me. I just talked with him tonight he apologized to me about what he did that night and he feels bad. I come home from college almost every weekend anyways so that was never a big deal. He has told me more times than I can count that he just wants the best for me and he wants to see me happy. He said tonight that he wants me to find someone who can provide the love that he can't. He isn't bad in any way. We have both decided that this can't happen and it is better if we just stay friends.

So I basically figured everything out tonight but thank you guys for helping me out. Thanks soo much.

[Chip]

It sounds like both of you made the right choice. And good on him for realizing that it isn't practical or appropriate to try to make a relationship work with the factors in play here.

You might actually suggest that he join EC if he's still dealing with coming out issues. We've had a recent influx of older members and so we're developing a pretty strong community in the 35 to 60 age bracket. He might find it really helpful