Sexual Disorientation

[Chimera]

Hey there,

My name here is Chimera, and at 26 years old I have no idea what I am.

First off I am so thankful EC exists! I have spent the last few weeks pouring over these posts, and for the first time in years I don’t feel so alone. I am in the midst of an identity crisis regarding my gender identity and sexual orientation. A lot of what I write might be biased since I’m highlighting my life events through the “questioning” lens, but you get the picture.

Starting off with the cliché, “I have always felt different” bit, I am very much a tomboy. Thankfully, my parents were happy to let me play with toy trucks and dinosaurs, and I had a close-knit group of girl friends to grow up with. We were very similar and inseparable… until puberty hit. They began obsessing over guys, toying with make-up, and talking about sex. This was a foreign language to me, and I didn’t feel feminine at all. Was I a late bloomer? It didn’t matter; I ended up chronically sick, became depressed, and was deeply involved in a conservative church. Sadly, I resented my friends for their “sins”, and began isolating myself out of fear. I also went through a phase where I HATED men. I loved my friends so much I wanted to destroy their boyfriends for any pain they caused. Thankfully, some good guys showed up and I slowly realized that we’re all the same, but I still didn’t develop any attraction for men. Many people began assuming I was gay, but I wasn’t attracted to women either! I felt like a dead stone in a magnetized world.

Fast forward past some really shitty years and lets get to current events. I am FINALLY treated for idiopathic hypersomnia, finding peace in agnosticism, and sucking the marrow out of life. In a way, I am discovering the world and myself for the first time. While my childhood friends got married and popped out kids, I went traveling and discovering new hobbies. I still lacked experience with relationships and intimacy, but it didn’t matter because I was/am asexual. (I’ve experimented with masturbation, but my sex drive is so low it’s pointless.) During this time I also began making new friends, including men. I loved hanging out as one of the bros, but inevitably it gets awkward because I am a female. A few of these men took an interest in me, and I was tempted to date them because I loved their company, but I couldn’t live a lie and they deserved someone who could reciprocate their feelings. What on earth is this attraction thing!? Have I not met the right guy? Am I still recovering from the past? I’m lonely, and I’m tired of losing friends, so maybe I should just push myself into the dating scene and see what happens. Soooo… I’m a female looking for a male right? Right??

A soft whisper I had learned to ignore begin to yell, and the answer hits me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want a man; I want to BE a man. But why? Where are these thoughts coming from? Isn’t gender just a label society gives us? After a lot of research and introspection, I conclude that I am a male-leaning androgen, but I am not transsexual. Still, I try hard to fantasize myself entering a heterosexual relationship, but I can’t stop imagining myself playing the male role… the male taking care of his girlfriend. I don’t find women physically attractive, but I am horrified to find these fantasies turn me on. WTF is that about!? Is this a “late puberty” phase? Are women’s sexual orientations really that flexible? Have I lost my mind? Am I… gay!?

Still with me? Good, because I am so lost, conflicted, and confused right now! I keep changing my mind every few hours and it’s driving me insane! I’m still curious to try dating, but I have no idea what I am or what I want. Isn’t this supposed to be second nature? I’m afraid my current gray-asexual orientation, genderqueerness, and lack of experience will frighten everyone off. Should I attend some LGBT events and see how I fit in? I understand these are just labels, but I am desperate for answers and don’t want to risk hurting somebody for the sake of curiosity.

Wow that turned into a novel, but thank you so much for taking the time to read. Just by writing this out, I feel so much better already. Take care!

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC, im glad you have found EC it is a really great place to find support whilst you figure yourself out.

I shall just start by saying I joined EC just over 3 years ago when I was 26 and I had just started to question my sexuality. I had grown up always assuming I was straight, I had never questioned it and had never knowingly suppressed attraction to females. I was really shy growing up and so the thought of relationships and stuff was a little scary anyway, I always thought I would grow into having crushes on guys, on a couple of occasions I thought I had a crush but I have since discovered that they werent crushes they were just guys I really liked spending time with and I confused that as a crush because I didnt know how it was supposed to feel.
For a long time I just kind of gave up on the thought of meeting someone, and then when I was probably about 25 I was watching a tv program and the storyline involved 2 girls and I just started thinking to myself hmmm I think im enjoying this more than the average person, and thus I started questioning my sexuality. I had always been gay friendly and had spent time with gay people but the thought of actually being gay was kind of scary. I guess my biggest question and fear was 'how could I not have known'and 'surely people are going to think im ridiculous'. I joined EC and in time I have worked through everything and now im out to pretty much everyone and have a girlfriend.

Sorry I seemed to have hijacked your thread with my story but I just want you to know that whilst my story isnt 100% the same, you are definitely not alone and im sure EC will help you as it did me.

[Chimera]

Hey Silverhalo No problem highjacking the thread, and thank you for sharing your story! You really hit the nail on the head for me when you said...

Originally Posted by silverhalo

I had always been gay friendly and had spent time with gay people but the thought of actually being gay was kind of scary. I guess my biggest question and fear was 'how could I not have known'...

That's something I'm really wrestling with right now. If I am gay wouldn't I have noticed this earlier? Wouldn't I have developed a crush on one of my girl friends a long time ago? I feel like a hypocrite, vocally demanding equal human rights for LGBT folk and then suddenly finding myself freaking out that I might be one! This will take time, I'm sure. I'm glad you found solace here

[adam88]

I know how you feel, I started pretty much the same journey at 25/26.

As to freaking out about "possibly being one"... yeah, I know how that is too. Around Oct. Nov. '09 I was freaking out until I finally burst and came out to all my close friends.

And now I have a lovely boyfriend. It just took time... don't be afraid to take as much as you need, it's worth it in the end.

[silverhalo]

I havent really crushed on any of my friends, I think because you are not looking for it it comes out in different ways like wanting to be best friends with another girl, or just really admiring them.

[Chouchou]

I too began the long questioning/coming out process in the at age 25, after having had many crushes since childhood (like the OP, I've felt "different" since an early age) that should have at least brought up some doubts or questions in my mind. In fact, my mom questioned me long before I questioned myself. It wasn't really denial, because the thought of being gay never crossed my mind; I just assumed that I would find a boyfriend eventually, like (what I presumed to be) everyone else, including my two closest friends. So yeah, I definitely know the feeling of incredulity at not knowing earlier, when the "signs" were present.

[Chimera]

Thank you Adam88 and Chouchou. It's really nice to see other young adults who didn't experience the teenage questioning stage. It's weird though, I don't find women or men sexually attractive at all, even though I love admiring the human form, so that's probably one reason why. Right now I'm just strangely attracted to the idea of being a male with a girlfriend, so I'm trying to accept these feelings for what they are and let nature take its coarse without pushing or fighting it. It is so distracting though, lol!

---------- Post added 17th Jan 2012 at 03:02 PM ----------

Oh, and I have never crushed on anybody beyond, "Wow, you are such an awesome person. Lets hang out and be friends!" Although, it was only recently that I thought about who I'd want to date so that could be part of the reason. I guess I should go out, make some friends, and see what happens!

Oy, just got in another debate with my friends over gender roles *headdesk* Maybe I should come out soon before I get too defensive.