My Boyfriend Is Scared Of Coming Out

[TMP32891]

I have a dilemma, my boyfriend & I have been together for 4 months, and he wants to come out to his family, but he's scared to come out as he's scared that everyone will ditch him to my understanding. I don't like being hidden from his family and friends, and he knows it, and I would like some advice to help encourage him that coming out isn't that frightening.

[Gravity]

The trouble is, everyone has different experiences with coming out. For some, the truth is, it can be frightening. Some thoughts though:

1) Make sure you're not pushing him to come out - or, the flip side, letting him put it off too long. More importantly, make sure *he* doesn't feel pressured to come out or feel overly comforted in the closet.

2) There are a lot of ways he could come out. Some people write a letter or an email. You can tell them in person, by yourself or with someone (you, perhaps, though I don't know the situation and whether or not that would be a good idea). Generally the idea is to tell someone in a private, one-on-one kind of atmosphere so if they feel uncomfortable they can leave, or don't get the impression of being cornered, and so forth. He could also try coming out to one family member at a time, to help gauge reactions (some people start with siblings, some with parents, some with others, it all depends on the family).

3) What kind of support network does he have, should his family take it badly? At this point there's you, presumably, but you two have a very specific connection and it won't be healthy for him to lean on you and only you should it come to that. What friends does he have whom he can talk to about this? Is he a member of, or does he at least go to, any community centers, or any organizations at a college or university? (fyi, if neither of you are students, they often don't mind if non-students join, especially if there aren't many alternatives where you live). This could make a big difference - the less people have to gamble the entire situation on the reaction of their family, the better.

Good luck though! I hope it goes well for him, and for both of you.

[sanguine]

i think if he is financially stable he should go for it, that's my opinion.

Coming out may not be scarey, but that's an experience you realise "after" the deed is done, many still say it's a horrible experience.

i think the best you can do is tell him your own experience, encourage him, and try not to put him into a situation where he feels he has to choose between you and his family

[JohnnyBoy]

My boyfriend and I were dating about 5 months before I came out to my family. Although they still don't know I've had a boyfriend for about 8 months, he knows its another step that will happen and it frustrates him sometimes I know his family but he's hidden from me.

[Mlpguy88]

As someone who is in the closet I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to come out, sometimes the fear is overwhelming and it just seems better to stay hidden. I have the feeling that you really care about your boyfriend, so please don't pressure him because he is already stressed enough. My best advice is to just be there for him and give him all the support you can and given enough time he will come out.

[TMP32891]

I'm not pushing him into coming out, just recommending it. He is not financially stable as he's a broke college student which makes things difficult for us, and my family doesn't even like that we're together as the think he wants my money which is absolutely false. He is a great guy, and I care about him, and don't want to see him hurt.

[J Snow]

My bf really pressured me to come out, and when I did it went really terrible and he felt bad about it. Its been over a year and my parents still so much as asked my bf's name... I'm not saying he shouldn't come out, but I think its his decision because it really is a big one.