Friends and Acceptance

[toremi]

So I am trying to work through like a list of fears about coming out. When I think about the possibility of coming out many different things pop to mind; some more important and some less important than others.

My biggest fear is... dun dun dun.

How my friends will react.

I know that may seem weird but I have always viewed friends as my extended family and actually in general tend to share more with them. It's not that I don't love my family but I just never had much in common with any of them (and it wasn't sexuality related either, I just literally don't have anything in common with them. They are small town people -- and I ran away to Toronto as soon as I was able)

Anyway my specific fear relates to my male friends.

Oddly enough I wouldn't forsee myself making an all new, all gay set of friends if I were to come out. I am PLENTY happy with the friends I have now. They have all done tonnes for me since moving to this city and I love each and every one of them.

Now I am bisexual and my concern is; my male friends are going to be uncomfortable with this revelation.

Why?

Well like most "bros" we have shared a lot. Platonic guy love. I know you may be wondering if I ever felt anything more towards them and the simple answer is; no. I have always been someone to differentiate between friends and lovers and keep them very separate. So there is no issue with that but it got me to thinking. As most guys will do once they get comfortable with their friends we have shared a lot. I mean it is not uncommon for my buddies to share a bed with me when we are traveling or out after a night downtown crashing. I have also seen some of them naked -- ie when we were traveling and camping and sharing washrooms and such.

Now I feel like that will cause an awkwardness. It never did for me, see since I can differentiate between friends and lovers I never checked them out in a sexual way. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't notice which ones had which attributes but aside form taking note, it would be no different seeing a chick naked and taking not to her attributes. But won't they feel uncomfortable. I am trying to put myself in their shoes. Like they felt comfortable in front of me believing I was entirely straight, maybe had they known THEY wouldn't have been comfortable -- which is completely fine! But because I wasn't up front, they may have done something in the past that would make them feel uncomfortable.

I am just wondering if this has been the case with any of you guys? Did you have these types of good friendships and how did they fare? Honestly I couldn't live without a couple of these guys -- I wouldn't actually be here in this city with the life I have without a select few of them.

And just to clarify not one of them are homophobic. We have gay friends within our more distant circle but just never shared the way we have.

Does this make sense? I rambled...

[punkrockerinc]

I know just what your talking about, just before the time i came out I was the same way with my best friend. Nothing really changed between us, I mean just after I came out it took him maybe a few months before he started doing the same stuff as before. That was kind of his first reaction and all I had to do was assure him that I have no sexual attraction to him, we are friends, no more, no less. We never stopped hanging out and there was no awkward moments between us, but after a few months we were back to hanging out in our undies, etc. obviously the final decision is yours, but that was what happened between me and my bro-friend. If they are your friends and if they have question just answer there should be any problems. I'm not sure if it will help but there ya go

[toremi]

Thanks for your input!

I just wanted to hear others experiences -- because like you said; my friends are my friends, no more no less. Even living as a straight man I have girlfriends I've known my whole life from back home (one my longest standing friends from the time I was 4) who have no issues getting changed in front of me either. She is like family too me, but less awkward family so it has never been a problem. I just feel no odd feelings in these situations which would be less than comfortable for some people.

I mean it doesn't have to go back to that -- I don't need to be able to strip down together to be friends -- I just worry they will have anxieties about how our relationship has been in the past. I wouldn't expect there to be no reaction, I just hope they won't feel what I think they will feel which is betrayal.

Cause I guess in a sense, I have betrayed them and for the good of myself so it is even worse.

[punkrockerinc]

I hid it for years, and honestly it wasnt till i got to a real dark place that i felt that it didnt matter how it effected people i needed ot get that burden off my shoulders. For your sanity I hope you dont get to that dark place.

[shfh]

Originally Posted by punkrockerinc

I hid it for years, and honestly it wasnt till i got to a real dark place that i felt that it didnt matter how it effected people i needed ot get that burden off my shoulders. For your sanity I hope you dont get to that dark place.

That sounded exactly the same as me. My thoughts ended up going in circles inside my head. There were good and bad times for a long time, but eventually only the bad thoughts remained. I felt like I really had to let it out or implode.
I don’t know how your friends are, but I have only came out to one close friend. It is good to be able to talk and explain it to someone, at least until I decide to let other people know. I heard from a lot of people here at EC, you don’t have to tell everyone all at once. And, it might be good to have an ally to help explain things to your other friends when you’re ready.
Good luck!

[silverhalo]

Hey I had this fear before I came out, except i am a girl, I was really worried my friends would think I fancied them or that I was checking them out, but I didnt need to worry they are all totally cool, I think if they are true friends then chances are nothing will change.