So I sort of met someone...

[thevedman]

He's really a really great guy who I've got to know recently and I'm pretty sure he likes me... to be honest I hadn't really thought about the idea of us becoming an item, it just hadn't crossed my mind and then we've spent more time together recently and that there might be something there. I guess I haven't figured out whether this is something I should go for or not.

The thing is my last relationship ended really badly for all sorts of reasons, and I am really nervous about ending up in another relationship in case it goes as wrong as the last one did. At times I feel really excited about the prospect of being with someone, but then I'm worried that I'll screw it up, or that it won't work out... am I just being overly cautious? I guess I feel a bit worried about the fact that I'm worrying about it, if that makes any sense? I mean, is it just one of those things where I should just be 100% I want to be in a relationship with this person? Or can it be, I like this person, I don't know where it might lead but it might develop into something?

Help?!

[sanguine]

just remember not to put yourself out there, it tends to look more like desperation and that isn't a good look.

i also think you worry too much, you putting too much emphasis on a problem that might not even be there, like giving gas to an open flame, stop thinking about it, and move on.

[Gravity]

Originally Posted by thevedman

He's really a really great guy who I've got to know recently and I'm pretty sure he likes me... to be honest I hadn't really thought about the idea of us becoming an item, it just hadn't crossed my mind and then we've spent more time together recently and that there might be something there. I guess I haven't figured out whether this is something I should go for or not.

The thing is my last relationship ended really badly for all sorts of reasons, and I am really nervous about ending up in another relationship in case it goes as wrong as the last one did. At times I feel really excited about the prospect of being with someone, but then I'm worried that I'll screw it up, or that it won't work out... am I just being overly cautious? I guess I feel a bit worried about the fact that I'm worrying about it, if that makes any sense? I mean, is it just one of those things where I should just be 100% I want to be in a relationship with this person? Or can it be, I like this person, I don't know where it might lead but it might develop into something?

Help?!

I hear you. I had a rough experience breaking up with an ex as well - very painful, and very prolonged - and for a long time I backed away from potential relationships that started to develop because I just wasn't ready for it.

After a while, I realized that I was actually interested in a guy I'd brushed off (politely, but even so) a few months before, so I thought I'd see if we could get back in touch. We did...and I found out he was booty-calling a gymnast in Mexico City. I was, needless to say, bummed, and a little disillusioned - I hadn't thought he would do something like that. But I resolved that I wouldn't back away for no reason the next time someone came along, and I didn't, and now I'm seeing a great guy (who, to my knowledge, has never flown to Mexico City for sex, lol).

I think starting to date after a hard break-up is a little like coming out. You have to get comfortable again with putting yourself out there, allowing someone to be close with you, and it can be scary. I would say that, just as with coming out, don't push yourself before you're genuinely ready - but don't hold back out of fear of expanding your comfort zone, either. You'll know when you're ready.

[thevedman]

Originally Posted by Gravity

I hear you. I had a rough experience breaking up with an ex as well - very painful, and very prolonged - and for a long time I backed away from potential relationships that started to develop because I just wasn't ready for it.

After a while, I realized that I was actually interested in a guy I'd brushed off (politely, but even so) a few months before, so I thought I'd see if we could get back in touch. We did...and I found out he was booty-calling a gymnast in Mexico City. I was, needless to say, bummed, and a little disillusioned - I hadn't thought he would do something like that. But I resolved that I wouldn't back away for no reason the next time someone came along, and I didn't, and now I'm seeing a great guy (who, to my knowledge, has never flown to Mexico City for sex, lol).

I think starting to date after a hard break-up is a little like coming out. You have to get comfortable again with putting yourself out there, allowing someone to be close with you, and it can be scary. I would say that, just as with coming out, don't push yourself before you're genuinely ready - but don't hold back out of fear of expanding your comfort zone, either. You'll know when you're ready.

Cheers man, that was really helpful. Great to hear that things have worked out for you

Do you think when/if things might happen I should just tell him that last time around things ended badly and that I want to take things slow?

[Gravity]

Originally Posted by thevedman

Do you think when/if things might happen I should just tell him that last time around things ended badly and that I want to take things slow?

Absolutely - there's nothing wrong (and a lot right) with being clear about where you're at and where you're coming from. That's all part of the, for lack of a better term, screening process - if he's willing to meet you halfway there, then great. If not, well.

The only thing I would caution you about is, don't feel compelled to give too much detail on what, exactly, happened. People rarely want to hear about their new interest's ex, and what their new interest's investment with their ex is, etc. A good rule of thumb is don't tell them anything you wouldn't want to hear about their ex. That's not to say you should hide things from him - but keep it on a "need-to-know" basis. If you feel like you need to share a lot/too much, that might be a sign for you about how ready you are to be involved with someone else.

I am wishing you lots of luck. Keep posting!

[thevedman]

Originally Posted by Gravity

Absolutely - there's nothing wrong (and a lot right) with being clear about where you're at and where you're coming from. That's all part of the, for lack of a better term, screening process - if he's willing to meet you halfway there, then great. If not, well.

The only thing I would caution you about is, don't feel compelled to give too much detail on what, exactly, happened. People rarely want to hear about their new interest's ex, and what their new interest's investment with their ex is, etc. A good rule of thumb is don't tell them anything you wouldn't want to hear about their ex. That's not to say you should hide things from him - but keep it on a "need-to-know" basis. If you feel like you need to share a lot/too much, that might be a sign for you about how ready you are to be involved with someone else.

I am wishing you lots of luck. Keep posting!

Thanks man, I really appreciate your advice, particularly about talking about my ex; I haven't talked about it that much with him but I have mentioned it, and I can see actually now that I shouldn't talk about it too much! Afterall I'm more interested/excited about what might happen with this new person, and I don't want to dwell on what happened before. Thanks again