Would you consider me as m2f transsexual?

[Metal]

Lately i've been trying to figure out if i'd be considered m2f trans because most people who say they are consider themselves as being in the wrong body, where I do not but wish I was...


For the past 12-13 years i've been wanting to be female (mentally+physically) while being unpleased with being male, but I don't consider myself as a girl in a guys body. I'm not hating or depressed that i'm male but i'm not satisfied with it and I feel completely bummed out for not being female. I'm male (mentally+physically) and I wish I was female (mentally+physically).


Ever since I was a middle school kid when it all started I have been putting stuff underneith my clothes in private to mimic breasts and sometimes pregnancy trying to make it all feel as real as possible with water balloons and such where I would back it up with a strong imagination.


Once i've gotten into my twenties I started looking into the whole HRT thing but never looked very far into it because half way isn't the full thing and wouldnt be worth it with all the cons (social/sterile/passability), but more recently during the last year and a half or so... i've been getting more willing to go for it as its the closest thing to what I wanna be and its the only way to get the desired mental/emotional changes that I desire as I hate being half vulcan when it comes to my emotions and such (nerd-talk) and I just absolutely love feeling girly on the inside (hard to do). I'm also starting to go bald on the front so if I am ever going to go through with it it should be within a year or else it may be too late.


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Extra Information:
- If I see myself in the mirror with balloon boobs under my shirt or if someone mistakens me for a girl online (happened once for this)... I get an uncontrollable joyful feeling that just pass's right through me and i'l have goosebumps all over me by the end of it. I love this feeling and I get a sense of "this is how it should be" from it aswell
- After a little research it seems I have a case of Physiologic+Anatomic Autogynephilia aswell but thats only when I pleasure myself. Its only part of the reason why i've been wanting to be female as its more than that.

History:
- I believe that it started when I was in grade 6 when my mother was pregnant with my brother.
- There have been many times where I wore water ballon breasts under my shirt around my family or in public/outside, depending on where it was I would completely hide it under a jacket outside or a blanket indoors. I have done it at work a couple times as a nightshift security guard and I have even once wore a bra under a sweater at school.
- At least once a week (sometimes many nights in a row) i'l go to bed with the above stuff all set up under my clothes. It makes me comfortable wearing that stuff but its not done every night because its hard to hide it if somoene walks in on me when i'm sleeping.
- A few years ago I was introduced to online hypnosis recordings, I used catgirl and pregnancy based ones to help guide my imagination to experience what I want. My results were poor overall but there were a couple times when I was convinced I was a catgirl (mentally+physically) in my bed for a few minutes and those were some of the most amazing moments of my life. I haven't really touched the stuff in half a year because i've been waiting on a hypnotist to make a custom file and her voice made everyone elses work turn to crap.

[MommaFrog]

I'm not really sure. I think it would probably be a good idea to talk to a therapist that specializes in gender identity.

[Hot Pink]

If you're asking for my opinion, it sounds awfully like you're probably trans--or at the very least genderqueer.

[Alexandria]

I float somewhere between genders as well. If someone were to be able to press a button or cast a spell where I was suddenly female, and as far as everyone was concerned I was always female (like the webcomic Misfile - an excellent comic) then I know I would be happy and never look back.

But to transition, especially now, especially with the immense difficulties involved? I'm not so sure itd be realistic or feasible for me.

So yea. I think I know where you come from.

[DhammaGamer]

That's how I feel exactly. And I'm starting transition. Sometimes I feel like, "my hair is shit, I'm super tall, I need so much work and its going to be so difficult and so painful for so long, I should just give up and learn to like being a boy and just realize that it's never going to happen the way I really want it to." And then ... I think about ways to kill myself. I don't want to be a boy anymore. I can't look in the mirror without feeling a small part of me dying on the inside. It hurts allllll the time.

So, I just keep going. I stay in the moment and focus on one thing at a time. I use finasteride and minoxidil on my hairline and crown. I am starting laser hair removal on my face this saturday. I have been seeing a therapist for about 6 months and she is working on putting together my recomendation for HRT now. I hope to begin hormone therapy in the next 2-3 months.

I get scared becasue I wonder, "will my hair be filled in enough by the time the hormones start showing? Will I look any different? Will the changes be faster or slower than I am anticipating? What will my family think? What will my work think? What will my teachers think? Will boys be attracted to me? Will I pass?" And then ... I think about ways to kill myself.

So I return to the moment. I keep focused on one thing at a time. I don't try to change the things I can't, or the things that can't be changed yet. I focus on the things I can do right now to both look and feel more feminine.

This is not an easy thing to deal with and it will not go away. I first wanted this when I was 9 or 10 years old. I'm 24 almost 25. It's still here. I still want to be a girl. I was in a 4 year relationship with a girl and played my part to the best of my ability. I was the "man" of the relationship. I was enthusiastic about settling down andstarting a family and being "dad". I had said goodbye to rediculous dreams of being a woman because such a thing is impossible.

I knew absolutely nothing about transition or what it was. I didn't know there were others who felt the way I do. When I broke up with my girlfriend it was because I am attracted to men and didn't know why or in what context or if living with her would be right for the both of us. It wasn't until shortly after we broke up that I started doing research on transexualism and the possibilities of transition. And now it's like an answer is there. I a path I can take to become the person I want to be. I may have been robbed of many younger years because of fate or karma or whatever, but now I have the chance to make the changes I deep down truly want to make.

I think that if you feel deep down that you are not supposed to be a man, and you feel a very great desire to become and spend your life as a woman, then yes you are transsexual and you should speak with a therapist.

There are definitely people who fall somewhere on the middle of the gender spectrum (and some of these people take hormones as well). You shouldn't think so much about the whole "I'm a woman in a man's body" thing either. That's mostly a media portrayal of the condition to help cis-gendered people understand what being transsexual means. In reality there is no such thing as "i am a man" or "I am a woman" beyond personal identification and discernment based on masculine and feminine cues.

If you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I wish," then there are options available.

[Hexagon]

DhammaGamer has said it all, really, but I'll just add this: while most (I think anyway) transpeople feel dysphoric about their bodies (more than just 'I'd rather be a girl' or 'I wish I was a girl', that doesn't mean that those who don't feel dysphoria don't have the same rights to transition as anyone else. If you feel like it is the right thing for you (and it seems like you do) then yes, I'd consider you mtf.

[Metal]

I'm kinda getting a sense of delight when people say I may be m2f.

[J Snow]

Wow, I may not have myself all figured out yet, but some of this stuff resonated so closely with me, I'm kind of surprised in fact.

Lately i've been trying to figure out if i'd be considered m2f trans because most people who say they are consider themselves as being in the wrong body, where I do not but wish I was...

I'm male (mentally+physically) and I wish I was female (mentally+physically).

These are both thoughts I've hard pretty strongly. My thinking is, how do you know the difference between being mentally male or female. If you like being thought of as a female, how are you not mentally female? I think there is an untrue stereotype that EVERY trans person has felt trapped and tortured in their body their whole life, and from my experience that doesn't represent the entire population. For perhaps even the majority, there's a lot more confusion then that. Its something I'm personally dealing with myself.

Ever since I was a middle school kid when it all started I have been putting stuff underneith my clothes in private to mimic breasts and sometimes pregnancy trying to make it all feel as real as possible with water balloons and such where I would back it up with a strong imagination.

Back when they still fit me I would stuff my mother's bra in privacy. I never attempted to fake pregnancy, but I did have a dream where I was pregnant, and it was perhaps my favorite dream I've ever had. Well, it might be a tie with the one as a kid when I was a pokemon master =P

Once i've gotten into my twenties I started looking into the whole HRT thing but never looked very far into it because half way isn't the full thing and wouldnt be worth it with all the cons (social/sterile/passability),

This pretty well represents my thoughts.

I get an uncontrollable joyful feeling that just pass's right through me and i'l have goosebumps all over me by the end of it. I love this feeling and I get a sense of "this is how it should be" from it aswell

Yes, this is the feeling I get as well. Or at least it was. One concern of mine I've had is that I felt it a lot when I started getting called by Michelle and her on here, and as I kind of got used to it, I don't really feel it anymore. Perhaps because playing around online just doesn't seem to do it for me anymore... Regardless, I know the feeling you describe, and its amazing. To me its more pleasurable than orgasm (at least the typical overrated male orgasm). It just feels so euphoric.

I believe that it started when I was in grade 6 when my mother was pregnant with my brother.

Same exact time it started for me.

- A few years ago I was introduced to online hypnosis recordings

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!

I have never really known anyone else to share my affinity for gender transformation hypnosis. I kind of go through spells. I will get obsessed with it and start listening to it every night, then get kind of jaded with the quality, or fact that it really doesn't work well with me and stop listening to it for a few months.

I will say this. I'm not far into it yet, but I've been in therapy as a result of my gender confusion. I highly recommend it. I have an avoidant personality, which is kind of clashing with the fact that I'm going to be 22 in two months, and I feel my time to be passable is running out. I feel really confused about what I want to do with the rest of my life =/

Sorry if I made this post more about me then about you, but I don't want to give you specific advice while I'm dealing with everything myself. I do hope it helped to hear someone relate. The advice I will give is as follows, don't ignore these feelings. Find someone you can open up to, preferably a professional counselor or psychologist, but if that's not possible at least a trusting friend.

And of course, if you ever want to talk in more detail, you can message me any time =)

[Metal]

Originally Posted by J Snow

And of course, if you ever want to talk in more detail, you can message me any time =)

Going by your post we're like 90% alike.

I'l give ya a message when I become a full member.

[Kcaz12345]

Hmm are you attracted to men

[Zontar]

Sounds more like you *want* to be a girl or trans more than you actually *are*.

I'm not sure what to say about that, but perhaps it's to your advantage to try and experiment with the opposite gender presentation and see where it goes.

I don't mean to press, but...is there a sexual component to all of this?

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Zontar

Sounds more like you *want* to be a girl or trans more than you actually *are*.

I'm not sure what to say about that, but perhaps it's to your advantage to try and experiment with the opposite gender presentation and see where it goes.

I don't mean to press, but...is there a sexual component to all of this?

By sexual component I assume you are asking for Metal's sexual orientation, which is fine, but I want to point out I don't think that whatever that may be affects hir's likelihood of being trans. I just want to make that clear. I believe something akin to 1/3 of transgirls are lesbian from what I've heard.

Now, I know this is aimed at Metal obviously, and I'm not trying to answer for hir, (btw, using gender neutral pronouns but if you have a preference please let me know) but I really feel like I related so well with hir that I'm going to out on a limb and attempt to address your first statement, because it is a genuine fear I have had to address in myself, because I have (and still do really) felt the lack of already feeling like a girl on the inside while I am clearly male on the outside.

I think a desire to be female, in a sense means you are to some extent female on the inside though. I don't think its fair to say Metal wants to be trans but isn't. I think its only fair to say that ze isn't prepared to give a definite answer. I just want to make it clear to hir that I think its kind of jumping to conclusions to say that ze doesn't seem trans.

I do have a related question for you, Metal. Its somewhat of a curiosity since we seem to have a lot of things about our gender in common. I would assume in a perfect world you would want to just be a biological female, but lets assume that's impossible. Let's also leave transition out for now because that's obviously something you (and I) are trying to figure out already. So just if you had to choose one of two options below, what would you choose. They are both assuming you will be the male sex your entire life.

1. You remain as you are. You remain confused about whether you are trans, and maintain the same desire to be female at the same level and consistency you feel it now.
2. You rid yourself of your gender confusion, and just be happy as a biological male.

I for one would choose number 1. There certainly isn't a right or wrong answer, and as I said I'm just curious. For some reason, even if it meant being happier, #2 is really unappealing to me. Even though the challenges of being trans scare the hell out of me, I don't want to "accept" being a guy. Perhaps because it would change a fundamental part of who I feel I am on the inside.

[Metal]

Originally Posted by J Snow

1. You remain as you are. You remain confused about whether you are trans, and maintain the same desire to be female at the same level and consistency you feel it now.
2. You rid yourself of your gender confusion, and just be happy as a biological male.

I enjoy all of my experiences and thoughts/desires about being female and i'm not in any kind of depression that would makes me want to get rid of it all, I would most likely choose the #1 choice was on front of me.

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Metal

I enjoy all of my experiences and thoughts/desires about being female and i'm not in any kind of depression that would makes me want to get rid of it all, I would most likely choose the #1 choice was on front of me.

Yes, I suppose I do enjoy them too. Its more the thinking about what they might mean that bothers me. Such as coming out (a 2nd time -___-), the health risks, and being totally not passable.

[Metal]

Originally Posted by J Snow

Its more the thinking about what they might mean that bothers me.

What do you mean about that?

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Metal

What do you mean about that?

Well its like I said below it. Mostly the social anxieties of transition and the fear of not looking like a real woman if I do it.

[Metal]

I forgot to mention a few things...

1) If i'm looking at a girl i'm usually imagining myself as her more than i'm attracted to her, with a touch of envy that I cannot be like her.
2) I feel simply happy if I imagine myself as female.
3) I would loved to be called "she/her/ect" but I wouldnt want to be called any of that unless I looked the part.
4) Been thinking every night since joining Empty Closets... I think I wouldnt mind much if a transition wasn't passable.

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Metal

I forgot to mention a few things...

1) If i'm looking at a girl i'm usually imagining myself as her more than i'm attracted to her, with a touch of envy that I cannot be like her.
2) I feel simply happy if I imagine myself as female.
3) I would loved to be called "she/her/ect" but I wouldnt want to be called any of that unless I looked the part.
4) Been thinking every night since joining Empty Closets... I think I wouldnt mind much if a transition wasn't passable.

Again, I relate very closely to everything except probably #4. Passing is important to me to the point where I don't think I would ever transition if I couldn't pass.

#1 I especially relate to. Part of the reason I think it took me until I was 20 to come out as gay was because of the genuine attraction I do feel for girls. Its only that when I look at a cute girl, I'm not thinking about being with them, I'm thinking about how I'd do anything to BE THEM. I start getting really jealous and it can definitely make me sad.

#3 is something I've tried here by allowing people to refer to me by a female and call me Michelle. It felt really good at first, but the positive feelings from it have kind of faded because I feel like its a lie. I'm not really a girl (at least on the outside, I don't really know what I am on the inside) and I usually don't feel a strong identification with it.

I think if you have the opportunity you should try to talk this out in counseling with a professional. Its what I've been doing. I just bumped a thread of mine with how my therapy is currently going. Maybe it would help you to read how its influencing me?

Pretty Certain I'm Transsexual...

Again, I wish I could just label you as this or that (I know it what I wish someone would do for me) but all I can do is let you know there's someone out there who feels very similarly.

[Zontar]

Originally Posted by J Snow

#1 I especially relate to. Part of the reason I think it took me until I was 20 to come out as gay was because of the genuine attraction I do feel for girls. Its only that when I look at a cute girl, I'm not thinking about being with them, I'm thinking about how I'd do anything to BE THEM. I start getting really jealous and it can definitely make me sad.

I get this, although the core of mine is considerably more....fetishistic? than yours would be. When I look at "straight" erotic art (i.e. involving beautiful women) I often find myself fantasizing about myself exhibiting that feminine beauty, instead of the usual straight guy fantasy of "cumming all over her tits" and such. Often, this fantasy is much more appealing than wanting to be with her sexually.

In fact, the very first thing I remember masturbating to was a fantasy of me all "dolled up" by other girls, dressed all pretty and looking feminine and such. Think it weird all you want, it's just always been there for me. I stop short of using the term "autogynephilia" as it was coined by a nutball who looked too much into simple fetishes (sorry Blanchard, just because I have an odd fantasy doesn't mean I'm gender dysphoric)...but the literal etymology of that would apply to me. It's a debilitating contribution to my persistent sexual confusion.