Do you think they know?? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

kylegf2011 · 18th Jan 2012, 04:10 PM

It all started a month ago, when I went to a Britney Spears concert with my parents, my mom saw gay people, she asked me if I was (in a disgusted tone) and I denied it. Then some weeks later my dad asked me if I was having problems, like if I was doing drugs, or if I had turned gay, because my mom was worried. I denied it again and my dad told my mom "see I told you there was nothing to worry about"

Then the other day it came up again. My sister is seeing this guy, but he always talks about me, I guess he wants me to like him so that I will give my approval or something lol. But he always talks about me. So my dad said jokingly "I hope he is really after her and not you" I just laughed a little, but then my mom looked at me worried and asked if I was gay? I just said no but kind of laughing (I was very nervouse), and she started freaking out, and my dad asked again if I was, and I said I wasnt!!

The next day we were having breakfast, and my dad asked......AGAIN!!! he told me to look into his eyes and tell him I wasnt. And I did, but they´ve asked so many times already, they dont seem to "believe me". Do you think they know and are just pushing me to tell them?

18th Jan 2012, 04:24 PM

um, they have asked you 50 million times and they are hinting about it. they know and the way you described, it sounds like they know and dont like it.

but they are also not saying "good i hope not becuase i dont want you to be a (insert deragtory slur word). so maybe you can come out to them if you want to. they already seem to know but do not want you to be. since you have to live with them really think hard on how they will take the news before coming out.

Hidinginalabama · 18th Jan 2012, 04:29 PM

Well to me it sounds like they could know but as many times as you have denied it they should have stopped asking by now. The thing is that you are gay and that you know this. I have learned from myself that when you start accepting yourself and coming out to people that its harder to hide it from others most importantly the ones that know you very well. You can keep dening it to your family. But know that they could keep asking you and when you do finally come out to them that they may not belive you because of all the times you have denied it. So just keep that in mind. I hope things work out for you like you want.

18th Jan 2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hidinginalabama

Well to me it sounds like they could know but as many times as you have denied it they should have stopped asking by now. The thing is that you are gay and that you know this. I have learned from myself that when you start accepting yourself and coming out to people that its harder to hide it from others most importantly the ones that know you very well. You can keep dening it to your family. But know that they could keep asking you and when you do finally come out to them that they may not belive you because of all the times you have denied it. So just keep that in mind. I hope things work out for you like you want.

to me it sounds like they know he is lying and they are hoping against hope that he is not gay. plus he is probably giving them little clues and such like "nervously laughing" when parents asked him as a way to let them know without letting them know. mom sounds very worried about this and dad sounds like he isn't that concerned and was clueless before mom started talking to him about it. something is going on that tipped mom off and now that she knows she wont let it go until he comes clean or stops whatever behavior that makes her think her son may be gay. possibly there has not been a girlfriend around in years and the mom is getting worried? i do not know. all i know is that if he wants to come out, it sounds as though they are not saying "son, are you gay, if you are that's ok, but we just want to know." it sounds like somethign more negative becuase she says they keep saying: "you're not gay are you? " that indicates their preference for him not to be gay.

sanguine · 18th Jan 2012, 04:46 PM

i dont think it would be a surprise if you told them now, i think they already know

ukeye · 18th Jan 2012, 05:23 PM

Sounds to me like they know - why would they repeat ask.. why is it a constant topic for discussion.

Next time they ask, throw it back 'If I were, would it matter?' - at least you'll guise their opinion on the subject then and open up for discussion and coming out. They are only asking in an interogative way because they are concerned imo.. I dunno if interogative is a word btw, but u get my idea

Friendly ghost · 18th Jan 2012, 06:19 PM

I can picture it all fairly well, it's humorous in a way. I don't think they seem like they would handle it too badly. I do think that they at least have some suspicions. I agree with ukeye. You don't have to give any hint that you are, but the fact that they repeatedly ask leaves plenty of openings to test the water. You can still say no but be irritated about them asking, ask them why it would matter so much. You can go any way here, you could phrase it to leave the possibility the you are open, or you could not. If you wanted to remain in the closet for a good while, thats why you would act so irritated. I recommend not trying to completely close that door.

Chouchou · 18th Jan 2012, 07:02 PM

I know exactly how you feel. My mom's asked me that question many times--since long before I even gave this subject much thought myself--and I've always denied it outright or indirectly. She probably doesn't quite believe me, though. I suspect your parents are in a similar state of mind; after all, like everyone's said, they wouldn't have asked you point blank so many times if they hadn't had their suspicions, even after all the times you've said no. Parents have a knack for knowing these things.

Doctor Faustus · 18th Jan 2012, 07:14 PM

From what you've written, it sounds like they know or are suspicious at the very least and can't figure out a way of asking without seeming offensive and/or insensitive.

Having said that, since you're not technically a minor anymore, it's not really their business to be poking around your personal stuff. Next time something like that happens, say firmly but calmly, "Dad, I don't think it's the right time to be discussing my private life because I'm finding it uncomfortable."

You have to come out in your own time and on your own terms - that is, as and when you're ready. Write a letter or tell in person: whatever works for you.

Hope this helps.

Best,

Dr. F.

BroadwayDreamer · 18th Jan 2012, 07:32 PM

I would just tell them. My parents are hinting about it with me, and I plan to tell them the next time the ask, which, knowing them, will be tomorrow.

**Chip** · 18th Jan 2012, 10:28 PM

They know. I don't think there's even the slightest doubt.

If you've read my other posts about the 5 stages of loss... (in this case the loss of their perception of you as "straight"), there's some of that going on now. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

Now... my sense is they are sort of between denial and anger. By showing their disgust and disapproval, they are unconsciously trying to push away the inevitable... basically, at some level they know it's true but they unconsciously hope that by rejecting it vehemently, they'll make it go away.

I'd say tell them. They've asked you a half dozen times, they know what's up, you really have nothing to lose... unless they're total religious quacks who would send you off to a "reparative therapy" camp. If you don't think that's likely, then I'd say tell them.

Be prepared for them to be angry/upset/disappointed... but they're already showing those signs anyway, so you don't have much to lose.

In any case, whether you decide to tell them or not, please keep us informed about what's going on

19th Jan 2012, 01:38 AM

how aabout this.....
"is there a reason why you keep asking me this?"
"what makes you think i am gay?"
"you have brought this up recently alot, do you think im gay, if so why?"
" if i were gay, would you disown me"

Ace17 · 20th Jan 2012, 06:53 PM

My guess is that they probably know....

p.s. I <3 Brittany Spears!

RedState · 20th Jan 2012, 10:11 PM

Honestly, I think all parents know..or suspect at least.

It's kinda like when I used to sneak and smoke cigarettes in high school. I always thought I was being so sly in hiding it from them....but hell they always knew what I was up to.

I have long thought that my mom and dad somewhat suspect I might be gay...although I doubt they would ever say anything (of course it does help that I live a few hours away from them)

You need to come to terms with the fact they know...they would not have asked you if they didn't. But you also need to understand that there is nothing wrong with denying to them at this point...no need to beat yourself up over that. We all have to deal and "come out" so to speak on our own terms and when we feel comfortable and when we feel the timing is right.

Besides, you are a guy that went to a Britney Spears concert...that's a pretty big red flag for anyone...if they didn't know before that they sure as hell know now #obvious

stuwee · 20th Jan 2012, 10:49 PM

Many years ago when I was your age, I thought if my folks had the nerve to ask if I was I would tell them yes, they did and I did. Well it took them awhile to come around but they did they love me and are my parents, if they didn't they were just egg and sperm donors and I'd move on with my life without them, sad fact of life. I bet yours will be fine!

And you may even joke about it later...like the post before said, your Mom will be like "You took me to see Britnay Spears dude??? WTH did you think I would think??"

18th Jan 2012, 04:10 PM	#1
kylegf2011 Well Known Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: 2 friends Age: 20 Posts: 129 Join Date: Jun 2011	Do you think they know?? It all started a month ago, when I went to a Britney Spears concert with my parents, my mom saw gay people, she asked me if I was (in a disgusted tone) and I denied it. Then some weeks later my dad asked me if I was having problems, like if I was doing drugs, or if I had turned gay, because my mom was worried. I denied it again and my dad told my mom "see I told you there was nothing to worry about" Then the other day it came up again. My sister is seeing this guy, but he always talks about me, I guess he wants me to like him so that I will give my approval or something lol. But he always talks about me. So my dad said jokingly "I hope he is really after her and not you" I just laughed a little, but then my mom looked at me worried and asked if I was gay? I just said no but kind of laughing (I was very nervouse), and she started freaking out, and my dad asked again if I was, and I said I wasnt!! The next day we were having breakfast, and my dad asked......AGAIN!!! he told me to look into his eyes and tell him I wasnt. And I did, but they´ve asked so many times already, they dont seem to "believe me". Do you think they know and are just pushing me to tell them?

18th Jan 2012, 04:24 PM	#2
insidehappy Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Do you think they know?? um, they have asked you 50 million times and they are hinting about it. they know and the way you described, it sounds like they know and dont like it. but they are also not saying "good i hope not becuase i dont want you to be a (insert deragtory slur word). so maybe you can come out to them if you want to. they already seem to know but do not want you to be. since you have to live with them really think hard on how they will take the news before coming out. Last edited by insidehappy; 18th Jan 2012 at 04:31 PM..

18th Jan 2012, 04:29 PM	#3
Hidinginalabama EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Say no to the boobs. Say hell yes to men. Out Status: Almost every one other than work Location: alabama Age: 22 Posts: 954 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? Well to me it sounds like they could know but as many times as you have denied it they should have stopped asking by now. The thing is that you are gay and that you know this. I have learned from myself that when you start accepting yourself and coming out to people that its harder to hide it from others most importantly the ones that know you very well. You can keep dening it to your family. But know that they could keep asking you and when you do finally come out to them that they may not belive you because of all the times you have denied it. So just keep that in mind. I hope things work out for you like you want. __________________ "If men could only know each other, they would neither idolise nor hate." - Elbert Hubbard.

18th Jan 2012, 04:46 PM	#5
sanguine a cow Full Member Gender: cow Orientation: cows Out Status: i dont care Location: Sydney Australia Age: 18 Posts: 449 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? i dont think it would be a surprise if you told them now, i think they already know __________________ The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision. Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes

18th Jan 2012, 05:23 PM	#6
ukeye Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Mostly everyone Location: Queensland, Australia Age: 25 Posts: 192 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? Sounds to me like they know - why would they repeat ask.. why is it a constant topic for discussion. Next time they ask, throw it back 'If I were, would it matter?' - at least you'll guise their opinion on the subject then and open up for discussion and coming out. They are only asking in an interogative way because they are concerned imo.. I dunno if interogative is a word btw, but u get my idea __________________ "The truth is rarely pure and never simple" - Oscar Wilde

18th Jan 2012, 06:19 PM	#7
Friendly ghost Always the Observer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Family and friends, and I try to be to everyone. Location: Ohio Age: 22 Posts: 180 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? I can picture it all fairly well, it's humorous in a way. I don't think they seem like they would handle it too badly. I do think that they at least have some suspicions. I agree with ukeye. You don't have to give any hint that you are, but the fact that they repeatedly ask leaves plenty of openings to test the water. You can still say no but be irritated about them asking, ask them why it would matter so much. You can go any way here, you could phrase it to leave the possibility the you are open, or you could not. If you wanted to remain in the closet for a good while, thats why you would act so irritated. I recommend not trying to completely close that door. __________________ People are strange when you're a stranger.

18th Jan 2012, 07:02 PM	#8
Chouchou Warrior Goddess Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Homosexual (asexual?) and mostly homoromantic Out Status: To some friends, but not to family Location: Wisconsin, USA Age: 26 Posts: 1,109 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? I know exactly how you feel. My mom's asked me that question many times--since long before I even gave this subject much thought myself--and I've always denied it outright or indirectly. She probably doesn't quite believe me, though. I suspect your parents are in a similar state of mind; after all, like everyone's said, they wouldn't have asked you point blank so many times if they hadn't had their suspicions, even after all the times you've said no. Parents have a knack for knowing these things. __________________ "The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human and, therefore, brothers." -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

18th Jan 2012, 07:14 PM	#9
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,610 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Do you think they know?? From what you've written, it sounds like they know or are suspicious at the very least and can't figure out a way of asking without seeming offensive and/or insensitive. Having said that, since you're not technically a minor anymore, it's not really their business to be poking around your personal stuff. Next time something like that happens, say firmly but calmly, "Dad, I don't think it's the right time to be discussing my private life because I'm finding it uncomfortable." You have to come out in your own time and on your own terms - that is, as and when you're ready. Write a letter or tell in person: whatever works for you. Hope this helps. Best, Dr. F. __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.

18th Jan 2012, 07:32 PM	#10
BroadwayDreamer Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lip Stick Lesbian Out Status: All but family Location: Lousianna Posts: 70 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Do you think they know?? I would just tell them. My parents are hinting about it with me, and I plan to tell them the next time the ask, which, knowing them, will be tomorrow. __________________ "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." -Santana Lopez

18th Jan 2012, 10:28 PM	#11
Chip EC Advisor EC Admin Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northern CA Posts: 5,583 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Do you think they know?? They know. I don't think there's even the slightest doubt. If you've read my other posts about the 5 stages of loss... (in this case the loss of their perception of you as "straight"), there's some of that going on now. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Now... my sense is they are sort of between denial and anger. By showing their disgust and disapproval, they are unconsciously trying to push away the inevitable... basically, at some level they know it's true but they unconsciously hope that by rejecting it vehemently, they'll make it go away. I'd say tell them. They've asked you a half dozen times, they know what's up, you really have nothing to lose... unless they're total religious quacks who would send you off to a "reparative therapy" camp. If you don't think that's likely, then I'd say tell them. Be prepared for them to be angry/upset/disappointed... but they're already showing those signs anyway, so you don't have much to lose. In any case, whether you decide to tell them or not, please keep us informed about what's going on

19th Jan 2012, 01:38 AM	#12
insidehappy Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Do you think they know?? how aabout this..... "is there a reason why you keep asking me this?" "what makes you think i am gay?" "you have brought this up recently alot, do you think im gay, if so why?" " if i were gay, would you disown me"

20th Jan 2012, 06:53 PM	#13
Ace17 Sometimes Ignorance is NOT bliss. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian ♀♀ Out Status: Ask me about it. Location: New York State. Age: 17 Posts: 766 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Do you think they know?? My guess is that they probably know.... p.s. I <3 Brittany Spears! __________________ "Love is like the air we breathe. It may not always be seen, but it is always felt, used and needed." "Love knows no race, gender, or age. Love only knows the heart that is within."

20th Jan 2012, 10:11 PM	#14
RedState The Grendel to Everyone's Beowulf Full Member Gender: Male Out Status: 2 Location: The Southeastern Conference Age: 30 Posts: 1,448 Join Date: Aug 2008	Re: Do you think they know?? Honestly, I think all parents know..or suspect at least. It's kinda like when I used to sneak and smoke cigarettes in high school. I always thought I was being so sly in hiding it from them....but hell they always knew what I was up to. I have long thought that my mom and dad somewhat suspect I might be gay...although I doubt they would ever say anything (of course it does help that I live a few hours away from them) You need to come to terms with the fact they know...they would not have asked you if they didn't. But you also need to understand that there is nothing wrong with denying to them at this point...no need to beat yourself up over that. We all have to deal and "come out" so to speak on our own terms and when we feel comfortable and when we feel the timing is right. Besides, you are a guy that went to a Britney Spears concert...that's a pretty big red flag for anyone...if they didn't know before that they sure as hell know now #obvious __________________

20th Jan 2012, 10:49 PM	#15
stuwee Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Deep in the Sonoran desert, Arizona Age: 49 Posts: 89 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Do you think they know?? Many years ago when I was your age, I thought if my folks had the nerve to ask if I was I would tell them yes, they did and I did. Well it took them awhile to come around but they did they love me and are my parents, if they didn't they were just egg and sperm donors and I'd move on with my life without them, sad fact of life. I bet yours will be fine! And you may even joke about it later...like the post before said, your Mom will be like "You took me to see Britnay Spears dude??? WTH did you think I would think??" __________________ I thought I had something to say but, then I forgot what the hell it was...