Gay, moving on, dealing with the ex-gf

[Friendly ghost]

I already feel like I am about to post nonsense. I really thought I was coming to terms with being gay, it just fit. I am trying to stick to that, it really does feel right. But I hurt, god do I hurt. I came out to a girl who I had been with for 5 years. We were very close and very similar. We fit each other very well. I love her. The sex was fine until the last couple years, then it became apparent we were both submissive.

I hurt for her. Its really bothering me, if I am gay why do I want so badly to be with her? I miss her. What have I done? It seemed right but now I can't stop crying. She's not talking to me because she is trying to avoid pain. I do not like uncertainty. At all. I don't know if I truly want to be with her, or if I am just used to it, and miss having her to be with. I don't think I should try to rekindle our relationship again, after all this, right? So what do I do?

[sanguine]

is it maybe because you are fixated in the idea of a heterosexual relationship? you know, the husband wife and children scenario? or is it because you feel like you ruined a perfect relationship because your gay?

i think you already have the answers, thats apparent because your not jumping in desperation to get back together with her, go talk to her, then have some time and separation if that doesn't work

[Friendly ghost]

I know that I would like those things, but I don't think thats what it is. Because I am ok with two husbands. I think a lot of the confusion is coming from not even realizing that I was gay until after we dated for a few years. When I did, not long after I came out then went back in the closet, got back together, and then did it again last month.

I cannot take that pain again, I will not. So that is why I am so reluctant to talk to her, I am afraid of making the same mistake and my emotions leading me astray. That and I don't think she wants to talk to me. I think we need the seperation, without communication. But thats to move on, now I am questioning if I want to, and how I even would.

I hate feeling so cliche. I definitely have the answers, it's the problem of distinguishing them, and believing them.

[Frustrated]

Friendly Ghost, I am sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. My own experience has taught me that I have these reactions after a breakup not because I really want to be in the relationship with that person, but because I do not want to be alone. I came from a home broken 4 times so I'm very sensitive to the concept of family and desperately crave to be loved. I had such a hard time with my last breakup because I was desperately trying to hang on to the dream of a "normal" life. That's what got me into this marriage, another desperate attempt to be "normal". Just isn't working, though. Anyway, I know you will feel better later but be kind to yourself now.

[AloneOutHere]

I have the same-ish problem. i broke up with my girlfriend over the summer because i couldn't go on lying to her. I still feel for her but I don't have the balls to tell her why i broke up with her. I still feel terrible because she kept asking me why and i couldn't tell her... so what i'm tryin' to say is.. you're not alone. But, since you are out to her, she can at least understand. But you have to realize, if you feel so much pain after knowing about it for so long and being able to cope with it, just try to imagine the pain she feels after being punched in the face with it. just try to be understanding and give her time.

here for ya

[Doctor Faustus]

I'm with AloneOutHere on this one. Give her a bit of space for now I think, but there will come a time when you can have a heart-to-heart (in letters or in person) with her and be completely candid with each other. The important thing is to maintain your status as companions: say that you truly want to be her friend from the bottom of your heart, because you enjoy her company and don't want to regret the good times you shared. Be benevolent and wish her well.

Hope this helps.

[Friendly ghost]

Thanks everyone, it's nice to at least know some of it makes sense. I too have a desperate need to feel loved. Or at least accepted or liked. Ridiculously. I think that is what a lot of this is stemming from. I miss snuggling and holding each other. I love her dearly, and will always do anything for her, she really is an amazing person. But I know we can't work. I will continue to give her space I guess. It might not be so hard if I had known for a long time, but I didn't even realize I could be gay until I was 20. Or at least acknowledged the possibility. I am very empathitic, too much really, and I know she is hurting more then I.

It's hard not thinking about her, though the sexual was lacking, we were both very androgynous and it had worked. I'm sorry for making an emotional mess all over this thread, I don't usually. I just want her to be happy, please be happy.

[stilllovelyafte]

Friendly, I really relate to everything you are going through. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm in the same boat. I miss her terribly as well. We actually went for a few months without really talking, and we ended up both hating it. As imperfect as our situation is, we both need each other in our lives. While it's strange to talk, and we're figuring out "what we are", we've opted to stay in contact.

On my end, if I had to parse why I am so broken up about losing her and the relationship - need to be loved, loneliness, support, shared memories/jokes. I guess just the general ease of having someone at your side that looks at you with love and kindness and "gets you" (at least moreso than anyone else on the planet does).

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Friendly ghost

I too have a desperate need to feel loved. Or at least accepted or liked. Ridiculously.

That's a pretty common problem among a lot of people in general, but gay people (particularly those just coming out) seem to have it even more than straight people.

And it can lead to some really unhealthy behaviors, like grabbing on to the first relationship that comes in your direction, and holding on for dear life, long after you know it won't work... or being really clingy... or jumping from one relationship to another.

Ultimately, for most people, this comes from a difficulty in loving yourself, and a constant desire for affirmation of your worth from others. So it takes time to learn to love yourself and feel confident and secure in who you are. A therapist is a great way to explore and work with that. I'd also suggest taking a look at these two videos that deal with issues of shame by an amazing woman, Brene Brown, who takes a very delicate issue and makes it fun and funny... and also powerful.

+ YouTube Video

+ YouTube Video