The Problem with Coming Out to My Best Friend

[pompa]

Hey Everyone,

I'm a 25 year old male and have finally fully accepted my sexuality. I've known that I have gay tendencies for a long time, and have even acted on them on numerous occasions. I guess I figured some day they would go away, but they haven't and here I sit.

My conundrum is as follows: I'm ready to begin the coming out process and start living a happy, complete life for once. This would include coming out to my best friend, who I happened to have boyhood sexual encounters with.

We began "fooling" around in 7th grade and it progressed into intercourse and other sexual acts by 10th grade. We hid this relationship from everyone, though my parents did have their suspicions. None of our peers suspected anything, we were just normal "jocks" to them; We even had girlfriends (which is kind of silly in hindsight).

The problem is that in 10th grade I moved out of state and didn't come back until I was about 20 years old. This put an abrupt and final stop to our hidden relationship. When I got back he had a long-term girlfriend and so did I. We continue to be excellent friends to this day, but nothing has ever been said about our encounters since I left state.

I feel that if I come out to him it may make him uncomfortable because of things that happened in the past. Who knows, he could also be gay and hiding it like me. All I know is that I am very nervous about approaching him on this issue. Any advice would be of great help and I truly appreciate your guys' time.

[phospholipase]

If your best friend went so far as to experiment back during boyhood, I think that there's a favorable chance that he's also gay. How does he feel about homosexuality in general? If he's definitely an ally (or a closet gay), then I think telling him the truth/your deep feelings may be a good thing.

I don't think he has a right to feel uncomfortable since he engaged in the acts himself.

[pompa]

Thank you Phospholipase, that is an excellent perspective. I never thought of this issue in those terms. I guess I'm under an immense amount of emotional stress right now and probably over-thinking some things. In my head I'm always imagining worse case scenarios.

As for him, he is very tolerant and accepting of gay people. Even to the point of verbally defending us when there are people gay bashing.

[Ianthe]

So, you had a relationship with him for three years, and now you don't know if you can tell him you're gay?

He knows you're queer. He knows, because he had sex with you. More than once. As parts of an erotic (romantic?) relationship that went on for years, and only stopped because you moved.

It's far from unheard of for straight boys to fool around when they are young, but they rarely progress to intercourse, and it's not generally part of an ongoing, exclusive interaction that lasts for years. I don't think either of you is straight. (Your friend could be bisexual, though.)

You could "come out" to him by saying something like this: "Hey, so I wanted to give you a heads up, I'm planning on coming out soon. I don't want you to worry that I'll tell anyone about you, or about us when we were younger--I would never do anything to hurt you or betray your trust. So, I just wanted you to know in advance that I was coming out, so that you wouldn't feel like you might be exposed or something if you heard about it from someone else."

[hml8]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

You could "come out" to him by saying something like this: "Hey, so I wanted to give you a heads up, I'm planning on coming out soon. I don't want you to worry that I'll tell anyone about you, or about us when we were younger--I would never do anything to hurt you or betray your trust. So, I just wanted you to know in advance that I was coming out, so that you wouldn't feel like you might be exposed or something if you heard about it from someone else."

This sounds good at first, but if you haven't spoken about it since it may be problematic and still awkward (unless you're both rather intoxicated). You could say that you're planning on coming out and ask him how you think you should go about it?

[pompa]

Thank you for the advice Ianthe and hml8. I think I'll probably just be honest with him. If he wants to make it awkward, that is his decision. I don't see any need to speak to him about the past either.

Again, thank you for taking the time to help me sort this out.

[BudderMC]

Originally Posted by pompa

I think I'll probably just be honest with him. If he wants to make it awkward, that is his decision. I don't see any need to speak to him about the past either.

You're right, there really isn't any need to talk about what's already over and done with; technically, the two events are separate. You weren't 'gay' (or at least didn't know you were) way back when, so it wasn't intentional under that reason.

Though, it is veeeeery easy to see where the lines of the two separate events blur.

Because of that, I'd be prepared to talk about it if he wants to bring it up. It still doesn't have to be awkward, but that certainly isn't something you forget about over time (in fact, quite possibly one of those things you think about often), so it would be reasonable to have that be part of his initial reactions.

But yes, being honest and forthright is probably your best way to go. Clear all the air, and any misconceptions surrounding your previous events (if any come up).